"Do I regret telling people?" is a question I always ponder on. In a way, no. I am not ashamed of what happened nor am I humiliated anymore. It's a fact of life. I lost our baby. I LOST OUR BABY. I just don't like the sympathetic looks and awkward silences that I feel it sometimes brings about. At the same time (and contradicting what I just said), I also feel mad sometimes when I feel like people refuse to acknowledge what happened. It's like everyone's scared to talk about it. I've actually had only one friend ask me how I am doing since losing the baby, and that happened today. It was almost refreshing that he asked me about it.
Many people in the past 2.5 (almost 3) months have told Kyle and sometimes myself that it is completely normal to lose the first baby. Even the second, third, fourth, fifth, and so on. I know they are trying to be encouraging, but I do not want to hear about someone who has had 7 miscarriages. To be that is not uplifting nor encouraging. It also scares me even more! I also get furious whenever I see women either out in public or on Facebook who complain about their morning sickness, pregnancy related cramps, weight gain, etc. I would give anything to have all of that morning sickness, cramps, weight gain, etc. related to a pregnancy. It always feels like a slap on my face whenever someone complains about that kind of stuff. Am I selfish for feeling like this? Maybe. Honestly I'm not really sure. I do know that if God ever gives me the awesome blessing of carrying my child again, that I will welcome any morning sickness, etc. that might come my way.
Last night at the ball park while I was watching Kyle's softball game, a lady showed up who I hadn't seen in 6 months. When I met her for the first time 6 months ago at his basketball game, she asked me when I was due. At that point I was not yet pregnant, just over weight I guess. She later said she didn't feel so bad about that awkward question because she overheard my conversation with someone else about how I would love to have a child sooner than later.
Well, last night she asked if I remembered her and I politely said I did. She then asked, "So how is the baby making going?" I'm a little surprised at my reaction, but I just calmly stated, "Well, since I last saw you I got pregnant but then lost the baby this summer." I wasn't as angry as I thought I would have been. I was in awe that someone would be that rude to ask me such a personal question. She then stated that she too lost a "little peanut" between her 2 oldest children (she has 3 gorgeous little girls). At the end of the game when I was leaving, she told me she was praying for me. I did appreciate the kind words, I think I was just in shock of her manner.
I'm so glad I have such a gracious God. It is by His Grace that I can wake up each morning and know that everything will be alright. He has given me an amazing husband, a wonderful home, a supportive family, great friends...I know one day in His time again He will give me a baby. It's easier for me to say that statement rather than hear someone tell me that. I know people are just trying to be encouraging, but sometimes I wish they would not say things like that since they don't know what it's like.
I know these posts are all over the place...that's pretty much how my thoughts are these days.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I've started this journal to get my thoughts and words out about losing my baby this summer.
Kyle and I have been wanting to be parents for a while now. I knew from the time I was a little girl that I loved babies and kids. I love to watch them learn and grow, and I love to give unconditional love to them.
Long story short, I found out on Wednesday, July 1 of this year that Kyle and I were going to be parents! It was such a pleasant surprise that I didn't think would be that easy. I actually found out at a doctor's visit which did not even relate to pregnancy. When I got home that evening and told Kyle, we rejoiced and were so ecstatic. I kept telling him that it all seemed like a dream and too good to be true.
A couple of days later the doctor's office called me for a series of what would be many blood tests in the next few weeks to come. They found out that my progesterone levels were low and that my betas and other pregnancy hormones were extremely low. Some medication and a ton of blood work later...the doctor's office called to tell me I needed more lab work. I told her I just had it the day before and I wanted to know my results. She said she was not able to tell me since she was "just the receptionist" (those were her words) and that I needed to come in immediately -as in that day- for more lab work. I thought this was odd. I went in with a sinking feeling in my stomach. Once I got there I found out that they didn't really want to do lab work on me. They took me back to do an ultra sound, and even then they didn't tell me why they were doing it. Their excuse was, "Oh, just the normal ultra sound." The doctor sat me down in a tiny conference room and told me the horrifying news -that she believed I was in the process of miscarrying based on my blood work. She did go on to say how she was "puzzled" and "confused" because the ultra sound showed a growing baby (I saw the growing fetal pole with my own eyes), which totally contradicted the blood work. She then went on to say that the purpose of the appointment that day was to tell me that I would miscarry and she wanted to suggest for me to have a d&c. She never even explained what a d&c was, but I had a pretty good idea of what exactly that entailed. I told her no way, that even if I was miscarrying, I would not have a d&c on the chance that the little baby inside of me was going to survive.
The day after that, I went to that office and gathered all of my paperwork to go to a different practice to get a second opinion. The second opinion was the same, except this time the kind doctor explained every single thing to me (blood work results from the other doctor's office, d&c, etc...). I still told him I just could not to a d&c. He understood and told me he hoped my hotel was near a hospital (Kyle and I had scheduled a vacation to NYC) since we were leaving in 2 days to go on vacation.
Kyle and I went to NYC and amazingly (it was definitely God's doing), our hotel that we booked on priceline.com was only 2 blocks away from St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital! We actually discovered the hospital when we were walking around after we got there. I am usually a super fast walker, but this trip I was very, very slow. I was in so much physical pain when we arrived in NYC and had already begun the miscarriage. Despite everything, we walked to Times Sqaure that evening with the purpose of getting my mind off of everything that was happening. Kyle even bought us tickets to ride on the Toys R Us ferris wheel. It was such a sweet gesture. We ended our first night in NYC with dinner and dessert at Serendipity 3, my favorite restaurant in NYC. After a walk back we went straight to bed.
The next morning I woke up with a horrible sensation in my lower stomach. I could only bring myself to toss and turn and cry. It was a pain I have never felt before. Kyle took a quick shower and while he was in the shower I asked him to please hurry. I told him that I needed to go to the ER as fast as possible. I was prepared to go through with a d&c to take all of this pain away, because I knew by the amount of blood I was losing that this baby was no longer with us. About 2 minutes before we walked out the door, that is when the official miscarriage happened. It was a very traumatic experience for me and if I didn't have my sweet, brave husband there with me, I would have gone crazy. I was in shock from seeing the fetus...and this time not on an ultra sound screen. It will be an image that is forever burned into my mind and memory. After that incident we walked (yes, walked) to the ER where they took care of me (the sac passed through me as soon as I got there). Since I had a natural miscarriage, all the hospital could do was run a bunch of blood work and an ultrasound. I do have to say that I am so thankful to the Lord that I had a natural miscarriage on my own. I am so glad I did not have the d&c.
The rest of the NYC trip was a good time, but also a little bitter. I tried to put on a happy face and Kyle did a great job of encouraging me. Despite our traumatic loss on that trip, I have to honestly say that that was probably the best time I've had in NYC. Kyle made it so wonderful. I am so glad that Kyle picked me to marry him! I love him so much.
Kyle and I have been wanting to be parents for a while now. I knew from the time I was a little girl that I loved babies and kids. I love to watch them learn and grow, and I love to give unconditional love to them.
Long story short, I found out on Wednesday, July 1 of this year that Kyle and I were going to be parents! It was such a pleasant surprise that I didn't think would be that easy. I actually found out at a doctor's visit which did not even relate to pregnancy. When I got home that evening and told Kyle, we rejoiced and were so ecstatic. I kept telling him that it all seemed like a dream and too good to be true.
A couple of days later the doctor's office called me for a series of what would be many blood tests in the next few weeks to come. They found out that my progesterone levels were low and that my betas and other pregnancy hormones were extremely low. Some medication and a ton of blood work later...the doctor's office called to tell me I needed more lab work. I told her I just had it the day before and I wanted to know my results. She said she was not able to tell me since she was "just the receptionist" (those were her words) and that I needed to come in immediately -as in that day- for more lab work. I thought this was odd. I went in with a sinking feeling in my stomach. Once I got there I found out that they didn't really want to do lab work on me. They took me back to do an ultra sound, and even then they didn't tell me why they were doing it. Their excuse was, "Oh, just the normal ultra sound." The doctor sat me down in a tiny conference room and told me the horrifying news -that she believed I was in the process of miscarrying based on my blood work. She did go on to say how she was "puzzled" and "confused" because the ultra sound showed a growing baby (I saw the growing fetal pole with my own eyes), which totally contradicted the blood work. She then went on to say that the purpose of the appointment that day was to tell me that I would miscarry and she wanted to suggest for me to have a d&c. She never even explained what a d&c was, but I had a pretty good idea of what exactly that entailed. I told her no way, that even if I was miscarrying, I would not have a d&c on the chance that the little baby inside of me was going to survive.
The day after that, I went to that office and gathered all of my paperwork to go to a different practice to get a second opinion. The second opinion was the same, except this time the kind doctor explained every single thing to me (blood work results from the other doctor's office, d&c, etc...). I still told him I just could not to a d&c. He understood and told me he hoped my hotel was near a hospital (Kyle and I had scheduled a vacation to NYC) since we were leaving in 2 days to go on vacation.
Kyle and I went to NYC and amazingly (it was definitely God's doing), our hotel that we booked on priceline.com was only 2 blocks away from St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital! We actually discovered the hospital when we were walking around after we got there. I am usually a super fast walker, but this trip I was very, very slow. I was in so much physical pain when we arrived in NYC and had already begun the miscarriage. Despite everything, we walked to Times Sqaure that evening with the purpose of getting my mind off of everything that was happening. Kyle even bought us tickets to ride on the Toys R Us ferris wheel. It was such a sweet gesture. We ended our first night in NYC with dinner and dessert at Serendipity 3, my favorite restaurant in NYC. After a walk back we went straight to bed.
The next morning I woke up with a horrible sensation in my lower stomach. I could only bring myself to toss and turn and cry. It was a pain I have never felt before. Kyle took a quick shower and while he was in the shower I asked him to please hurry. I told him that I needed to go to the ER as fast as possible. I was prepared to go through with a d&c to take all of this pain away, because I knew by the amount of blood I was losing that this baby was no longer with us. About 2 minutes before we walked out the door, that is when the official miscarriage happened. It was a very traumatic experience for me and if I didn't have my sweet, brave husband there with me, I would have gone crazy. I was in shock from seeing the fetus...and this time not on an ultra sound screen. It will be an image that is forever burned into my mind and memory. After that incident we walked (yes, walked) to the ER where they took care of me (the sac passed through me as soon as I got there). Since I had a natural miscarriage, all the hospital could do was run a bunch of blood work and an ultrasound. I do have to say that I am so thankful to the Lord that I had a natural miscarriage on my own. I am so glad I did not have the d&c.
The rest of the NYC trip was a good time, but also a little bitter. I tried to put on a happy face and Kyle did a great job of encouraging me. Despite our traumatic loss on that trip, I have to honestly say that that was probably the best time I've had in NYC. Kyle made it so wonderful. I am so glad that Kyle picked me to marry him! I love him so much.
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