Faithful Adoption Consultants

Every day I feel so blessed that we decided to go with an adoption consultant to help us with our adoption journey. Our adoption consultant, Courtney, is such an amazing woman with an amazing family and she has an amazing story to tell. Even though I'm a bona fide client of the agency that Courtney matched us with, Courtney still calls and keeps in touch with me weekly. She is still willing to go to bat for us and she still insists on getting answers from the agency when I seem to have a little trouble sometimes or if I'm too shy to ask the agency. If any of ya'll are considering adoption, I highly recommend just at least checking out Faithful Adoption Consultants. The adoption process is hard and while we have amazing family and friends who have stood by our side and continue to do so, we would not want to go through this adoption process without Courtney. She truly understands all of the emotions that go with the adoption process and she understands the adoption language. Best of all, she truly believes in the power of prayer and is always quick to let me know that she has been praying for us. In fact, whenever I get off the phone with her or text her, I feel like so much more than just her client -I feel like her friend.

Third time's the charm?

Here we go again. We've been matched (again). We've been matched exactly eight weeks to the day that our second match fell through.

I am really happy but I am honestly so scared and so very, very nervous. The baby is not due until early fall and that is a very long time for our birthmom to change her mind. That's a long time for the birthmom to feel the baby kick and move and for her to decide to parent. That's a long time for her to fall in love with the baby and decide to try parenting. I'm just plain 'ol paranoid now. While I want to be so excited (and don't get me wrong - I am), I am majorly guarding my heart. I feel so guarded right now and I actually don't like being this guarded.

The reason I am posting about the match on here is because I had a conversation with our wonderful consultant (who I will be writing a post about later! She has been so fantastic these past few months) earlier this week and she asked if we would consider telling people about this match. I said no at first because not only is it so humiliating for people to see our heartbreak (I don't like for people to see me sad) when something does not work out but I also feel an obligation to protect our family members who get so excited with us only to feel so much pain and sorrow when the matches fail. Courtney brought up a really great point...it really is about the power of prayer and the body of Christ uniting together to pray for each other. So...Kyle and I had a long talk the other night and we are both in agreement to tell people. We really could use all the prayer we can get. Our birthmom could use a ton of prayer. And of course, our unborn son or daughter can use a lot of prayer (I almost hesitate to refer to the baby as "ours" because of the whole being guarded issue).

I've known about this potential match for almost two weeks (it will be two weeks tomorrow). I knew we were presented along with other families. The agency's adoptive parent coordinator has been out sick so that is why we did not hear a word. This whole time I've been praying that God would only allow her to choose us if this is the baby He intends for us to raise. I prayed that if this was not our baby, He would not have her choose us. So...I am going to have to be positive about this situation and take it as God has answered my prayer and that this really is our forever child.

I am going to try to become un-guarded because this baby and birthmom deserve someone who is going to be so excited and thrilled and someone who is going to love them so much. I would never want to look at my child and tell them that I was miserably because of paranoia leading up to their birth. I want our birthmom to know that we love her and the baby and we have been praying for them daily.

I don't like asking for things but I am asking all of you to pray for our birthmom and our baby. Prayers are so greatly appreciated.

I am also praying that these next 19.5 weeks are full of excitement instead of paranoia.

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord."

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:31

Just a little bit jaded.

Reading about families who have just been matched with a baby who is already born or who were matched last week and the baby was born this week is simply discouraging. I know that makes me sound bratty but I promise I am not trying to be that way. It's so discouraging to know that I've had two failed adoptions since the beginning of the year and I still don't have a baby and yet all of these other people are getting matched with babies left and right and meeting their babies soon after they get matched (then I remind myself that I don't know their situations so that is not fair for me to get upset). In my heart I am so happy for them but right now to be honest it's hard to read all of that. I always think, "When is it going to be my turn?" I know I need to stop thinking so selfishly. I know this is all part of our Master's mighty plan for us and when I remind myself of that it is indeed comforting.

It used to be so encouraging to see that but I think I've been a little jaded by the failed matches. The adoptive parent coordinator has not emailed me back and I want to call her at the agency so badly just to say hey and do a verbal check-in but Kyle told me not to in the case I might annoy her or tick the agency off. Even though I know the coordinator understands because she adopted both of her daughters and went through struggles to adopt them, I don't want to get on her nerves. I just want our baby. I just want to be told that we have been matched and we can come pick up our baby. I just want to be reassured (thankfully, I know I have reassurance in Jesus Christ and His plan for us but I think you know what I mean). I just want to share the love I have for Kyle with a baby and I know Kyle wants the same. I just want to hold our son or daughter and look into their eyes for the first time.

I just couldn't help it.

Remember all that bragging I did earlier about how it's been over a week since I called the agency and almost a week since I emailed with the adoptive parent coordinator? Squash that information. I was fine this morning but this afternoon I started getting really antsy for my weekly check-in that I said I wasn't going to do. So, I just emailed the adoptive parent coordinator. I wanted so badly to call her but I decided that I will call Monday if I don't hear anything.

Oh well.

Prayers and His Beautiful Grace

It's been eight whole days since I called the agency and six whopping days since I've emailed with the adoptive parent coordinator (she emailed me first - I promise I didn't start bugging her!). Since tomorrow is Good Friday I am not going to call or email to check in with the agency to see how things are going.

Multiple times each morning, afternoon and evening I stop what I'm doing and take a few seconds to pray. I ask God for a miracle and to let us get "The Call" that we are so desperately hoping to get each and every day. I pray that His will be done in the next situation that the agency has for us and that with the birthmoms we are presented to, a birthmom will only pick us if it's the baby that God intends for us to have. I continue to pray for our birthmom and our baby even though we are not matched with one. I also pray for all of those adoptive families out there waiting to be matched or waiting for the waiting/holding period for the birthparent termination of rights.

Easter is all about celebrating new life that we have because of Jesus and His amazing love for us. Praise the Lord and thank You, Lord, for that! While Kyle and I are not celebrating a new little life that has been placed in our care and our lives, we celebrate that God has been so gracious to us and has blessed us far beyond we deserve. While the human emotion in me tends to get a little sad that I am not yet a mother, I am so happy and lifted that God cares about us so much that He sent His one and only Son to die for us and all of our sins. I am reminding myself this weekend (let's face it - I need to remind myself of this every day) that while I know I will be a good parent, I don't deserve to be a parent. None of us truly deserve anything. It is by His grace and because of His beautiful grace that He grants us the blessings for the tenderness and joys of parenthood and even love.

Once again this has been a scattered post.

TV Talk

Okay, let's talk about last night's episode of One Tree Hill (OTH). I promise this is not turning into a television show review blog...I just feel the need to write about it since it pertains to the adoption process.

I complained last week about how the episide painted a very unrealistic picture of the adoptive parent and birthmom matching process (usually adoptive parents don't get picked that easily and in that kind of setting and birthmom's just don't let themselves in to the adoptive parents house and sit on their counters while eating Toaster Strudel's out of the freezer). Last night's episode made me feel a little bit better because it showed a very realistic scenario. I know it's just a television show but I felt connected with it. I could tell right away from the look Chloe, the birthmom, was giving Brooke when she asked her to leave the room until after the birth that she was going to choose to parent. Heck, I could even tell before then. While it's just a show on television with actors who are payed serious money to play these characters with these made up lives, I could feel the pain of spending time with the birthmom, getting to know the birthmom and even loving the birthmom...and being led to believe that you are going to be the parent of their little baby girl...for them to just suddenly decide to parent. While I believe that some of the birthmoms truly don't know until the second they hold their sweet baby that they want to parent, I do believe some of them know they are going to parent the whole time and are just afraid to admit it (I promise this is not a post bashing birthmoms...I really respect birthmoms and their decisions to choose for their baby to have a better life than they could give them. I also respect if they decide that they want to parent). Seeing Brooke and Julianne just standing there realizing what was happening right before their eyes and hearts - that they were not going to be parents at that very instant as they were led to believe - really pinched my heart. That pain is still fresh for me and will be until the Lord leades us to our baby.

Having a birthmom change her mind (which, I really can respect that decision. It's a life altering decision and as much as it hurts and as much as the decision is sometimes not the best decision for the baby, it's a life altering decision and I would never want anyone to live with a deep regret for the rest of their lives.) at the last minute is, in my humble opinion, losing a child. It's as real as a death of a child. I fully and truly believe that with any and every failed match, the adoptive parents grieve the death of a child when the birthfamily decide to parent. In some cases you might have weeks or months to prepare for this child and choose a name for this child and really fall in love with this unborn child. In other cases you may only have a couple of hours or days to prepare for this child but that doesn't take away the love you are already experiencing. In the case of our second failed match we spent hours at the hospital with the birthmom and I could tell right away from when we arrived at her room in the hospital that she was going to parent. Something in my gut just told me from the way she was acting and the things she was repeatedly saying. We did not get to hold the baby girl or even see her by our own choice. We received word from her social worker that she was considering not placing the baby for adoption but yet she still wanted to see us and for us to see and hold the baby...she wanted the company. I (and the social worker) felt like this would be so cruel to do to us since her mind was already made up and so we declined to visit the birthmom and the baby girl in the hospital. Anyways, all in all I thought OTH handled the episode very well. It was well written and well directed - and even well acted ("well acted" is not really a correct phrase but you get the gist). Also, one last thought on last night's episode...I couldn't help but crack up and chuckle when Brooke and Julian entered their birthmom's hospital room and immediately started asking how she was feeling and if they could get her anything to eat. They were desperate to make her feel comfortable. The reason I chuckled was not because it was hilarious but because it brought back flashbacks of when Kyle and I did the same exact thing with both birthmoms.

Naivety

This morning I called the adoptive parent coordinator at the agency for my weekly check in. She was really nice as usual but she told me that while they've had plenty of intakes during the past week, there haven't been any for me. Bummer. She has a couple of more intakes that they just need to look over so maybe one of those will work for me. We decided that it would be best if she doesn't tell me when we are presented unless it is a questionable situation that she needs my input on. I told her that I will still check in weekly even if I don't hear from her and she said that is perfectly fine.

I told myself this morning that I wouldn't get down but I guess the pep talk to myself didn't quite work. I guess I'm down because now it's not a matter of the agency not having any intakes since they have had plenty. It's just a matter that there are not any situations for me. I'm really struggling with trying not to question God on this but I know I just can't do that.

As my favorite television show, One Tree Hill, comes to a close (only a few or so episodes left), it's starting to frustrate me a little bit (but I still love watching it). Last night on the show it featured a little bit about the couple who just got married that have strugged with infertility and just decided to adopt and got matched up with a birthmom the day they decided to adopt (yeah, not really reality). When the couple (Julian and Brooke) came home from being and out and about their birthmom had found the spare key under the doormat and let herself in and was eating Toaster Strudels from their freezer (again, not reality, I know). She then hung out at the house with Brooke all day. She left and then the last clip of Julian and Brooke showed Julian answering their phone and coming in to tell Brooke, "She went into labor." It went on how the birthmom went into labor and it was time. I started getting choked up of course because I keep imagining getting this call and yet it is not seeming to happen (and then I remember the first call in January that Kyle got when I was in the shower that it was time). This is going to sound a little crazy but right after this clip showed my house phone started ringing. No joke. The naive part of me hesitated with a heavily beating heart thinking that this was our surprise call. This was the call telling us that they found a birthmom for us who was going into labor at that very second. Maybe it wasn't so naive to believe this might be "the call" because the agency tends to call us on our house phone for some reason. The only other people that call us on our house phone are some of Kyle's family members in California (but we just heard from them last week so I knew they wouldn't be calling again this week) and sales people. I cautiously picked up the phone after a few rings stupidly expecting to hear some exciting news and of course it was just an automated sales pitch. I then settled back on the couch telling myself not to be so naive. They showed a clip of next week's One Tree Hill and it kind of leaves you guessing if the birthmom decides to parent or not. I guess I will find out next week.

Blog World

I'm afraid this phrase is getting a little too familiar to me lately but unfortunately there is not an update at all. I am going to call and check in with the agency tomorrow. A big part of me feels bad because I know I seem so pessimistic all the time and just down on an adoption happening for us and I don't need to be that way. I really need to learn a lesson from my darling husband. Kyle is such a trooper and rock. He has had a great attitude these past four grueling months and he always reminds me that the baby God intends for us is out there. I really hope I don't start to anger the agency and I don't think I will. The coordinator is an adoptive parent herself so surely she understands my need to check in with her weekly. While the drive to the area in Florida can get a little tiring, I am very much looking forward to the next time we get called to drive down there because I am trusting, hoping and praying that it's to go meet our son or daughter. Today I am feeling pretty good and numb and I don't necessarily mean numb in a horrible, pessimistic, down-in-the-dumps kind of way. I just mean that I am so used to this roller coaster of emotions that I'm not getting too worked up over it - or at least not this minute. Last night I had a moment where I was really frustrated and sad for myself but quickly dried up my tears. I started getting a little emotional while reading my Bible last night because it was about Hannah's longing for a child and her prayer to God for a child. I know God hears my cries for a child and my yearning to get wind of a situation that will work out for us. I guess I just need to sit still (and know that He is God) and just truly trust that God has a birthmom and a baby for us. I sometimes question whether or not if it's selfish for me to ask God to bring us a situation soon...sometimes I feel bad for making such a request especially when I know it's all in His timing. When I start to feel guilty about asking God to grant our request very soon (as in any second now), I remember that it's okay because God knows my heart and He already knows my request even before I talk to Him.

To completely change the subject, I am having the internal debate again on whether or not I should "go public" with my blog. I'm a pretty quiet person until you get to know me and even then I can still be pretty quiet. I don't like for people to know my raw emotions and I get embarassed if people see that I am sad or hurting over something. At the same time I know it's helped me to read message boards and other blogs over the past two years so maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing to put this blog out there ( I am not saying I am a great writer nor am I saying that my chaotic and sporadic writings will help someone).

Video Camera Dilemma

I emailed the adoptive parent coordinator at the agency the other day. I email or call the agency once a week. I always tell myself I am going to go a week without contacting them but I just can't help myself. I don't want to be annoyingly persistent but I want to keep my name and face fresh in their minds. Thankfully, I am at the top of their list (that's what they tell me, at least) and they all know my name there pretty well. I've been told by the adoptive parent coordinator and agency director that they are all rooting for us and doing everything they can to find us a match. This is a very slow time for agencies across the country right now so I guess that makes it not so frustrating that our agency hasn't had very many intakes lately. Okay, who am I kidding? I am still frustrated. I know it's not the agency's fault. It's just so hard when there were so many situations for the past few months and now all of the sudden - nothing. Anyway, the coordinator emailed me back right away and said she would be back in the office next Monday and would look to see what cases they have.

I always pray for our birthmom and our baby. Even though we currently do not have a birthmom situation and are not matched at the moment, I always pray for them and that they are healthy and doing well and that they find us soon. I also pray for God's will to be done with the birthmom situations...so I guess I need to stop getting upset whenever we aren't matched or when a good amount of time goes by without us hearing a single word.

I unpacked our car a few weeks back and last week we finally took out of the car the base of the car seat. I just felt like the empty carseat base was a constant reminder that we are not parents.

With our last failed adoption, we debated whether or not to get one of those small video cameras (either a Flip video camera or a different tiny video camera). Kyle and I do not have smart phones by choice and so neither one of us have video capabilities on our cell phones. While I think it would be really neat to document meeting our future child, our time spent in Florida while waiting to go home, etc...we wonder about the reality of how often we would really use a video camera. Part of me wants to capture the precious moments of walking in the hospital and seeing our baby for the first time and then the sensible part of me says we will hardly use the video camera. My family did not have a video camera growing up so pictures were just fine. Kyle's family did have a video camera and he likes the fact that there are videos of him when he is little but in all actuality, how often to we watch those videos? The answer is never (or at least not yet). I don't know...anyone have any opinions on the idea of getting a video camera? Keep in mind we are very sensible when it comes to buying things and we don't like to buy things just to buy them...but we (or at least I am) are sentimental people.

Opinions?

So another potential match has come and gone. This time Kyle and I kept this potential match to ourselves. It would have been a (for the most part) great situation with a baby girl who is due this week. The birthmom thought we were the most attractive and cutest couple but she thought we were too young looking/too young (keep in mind she is 30 years old...and we are 26 and 25...whatever). I keep telling myself that no matter her reasons for not picking us, I can't fault her for making a decision that she and her mother feel is best for her.

One would think that with each rejection it would get easier but honestly it's just the opposite. As soon as I found out that she had selected another family I just broke down again. I am ashamed to admit this but I then looked at Kyle and said, "I don't believe anymore." He asked me what I didn't believe and I told him that I just don't believe we are going to ever have a situation work out for us. Now, I might have said that in a moment of self pity and somewhere deep in my heart I know that we are meant to be parents. With each failed situation or non-match my heart keeps getting rubbed down and I just am having trouble believing that it will happen to us. I always tell myself that I am not going to get excited over a potential situation but that doesn't happen. I get excited and I invest my heart into it and then bam.

Please don't get me wrong - I believe in God and I feel like my faith in Him is stronger than ever. I'm just starting to believe that maybe it won't happen.