This past weekend was pretty good. Every single time I started to get sad or start sulking or start asking the question, "WHY?!" I kept thanking God for a different blessing in my life. Everytime I started to think about the ups followed by the downs of our adoption journey I quickly started thankging God for the beautiful life and blessings he has given to me.
I'm so worn down right now but I'm trying to keep a great attitude about everything. Everytime I do start to ask the question, "WHY?!" I feel guilty and then the thought, "Why not?!" pops into my head. Why not me? Why not us? I keep having to remind myself (sometimes while biting my lip and gritting my teeth) that God does not give us anything that we cannot handle - which, is kind of ironic because I am very sensitive and am the person in my family who worries non-stop about everyone.
I was playing out the scenarios that we've been through in my head and we've covered almost all of the adoption-cliche bases now so I thanked God that I was able to chuckle about that (I do find it humorous and I always say if I don't laugh at something I will cry so it's better to be able to laugh!).
Kyle and I are hoping the 5th time is the charm and we are just hoping the 5th time comes quickly. It's interesting/funny because a couple of days ago marked exactly nine months that we've been working with our agency (and really, that's too long to work with this agency since they are small but I firmly believe that the situations that we have been in have in no way been the agency's fault). The only one I kind of shake my head on them at is the 3rd situation in which we matched five months early. Honestly, that should not have happened. I am so against agencies matching families that early because that is a long, long time for anything to happen. I know I always say this but praise the Lord for our consultant Courtney (she does not work for the agency...I just wanted to make that clear)! She has been so wonderful to be the liason between us and the agency and she has just been super. I really cannot recommend her enough!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Case closed.
So that excitement was short lived. Even though the birthfather has criminal charges of abuse the state of F.lorida has decided to let him parent his baby boy.
All I want to do is mope around right now but I am not going to because I am going to stick with my word and still praise God.
All I want to do is mope around right now but I am not going to because I am going to stick with my word and still praise God.
Just waiting.
Lately I feel like my adoption journey has been kind of like the ending of the movie The Truman Show. You know, where Truman is paddling or sailing (I can't really remember) on a boat in the ocean trying to get away and all of the sudden what looks like the sky rips and he realizes the ocean is not really an ocean but just a television set. He came so close to escaping but his journey soon came to an abrupt end.
Okay, so I know my adoption journey is not really like that because I know it will not come to an abrupt end. It just seems that each time we get a match or a potential match or even a potential son or daughter that as soon as we can almost say we are parents something happens and a tear is made in our hearts. Or it seems like we are stuck behind a sliding glass window that is so clean and clear that you can't even tell it's glass...and right when we run up to it it knocks us back and leaves us bruised.
Some of you know by now that we were going to be presented this past Tuesday on a baby boy due mid to late September. Some of you also know by now that that precious baby boy was born a month early on Monday night. We were still presented along with two other families on Tuesday and the birthmom was going to wait to choose a family at signing. Well, some issues have come up with the birthfather and so that is the only hold up. Kyle and I were feeling pretty confident that this was our son and when we have talked to eachother about the situation this week we have used the term "our son" and saying how we just want to hop in the car and drive down to meet "our son". Yes, we are very much attached to this baby boy even though we just learned about him and his birthmom last week. We were attached to him even before we knew he was going to be born a month early. Since we learned of his early birth we have debated on names and we narrowed it down to two and then we finally narrowed it down to one (the names we both agreed on were Luke and Milo. I left the decision up to Kyle and at first he was leaning toward Milo but thankfully he decided Luke is to be our son's name). Anyways, all of these feelings and talk are really kind of dangerous of us to get this attached to this baby boy and this situation because 1) we are one of three families being presented to the birthmom and she could choose a family other than us and 2) the birthfather may very well parent this child.
So...we kind of feel like we are stuck behind a glass door where we can see what we have been waiting for but the glass is in our way and it is knocking us back.
I feel really bad for my darling husband because this is the first time he has gotten attached to a situation (not counting the baby we had to walk away from back in January). The fact that this baby is a boy is not what has made Kyle so attached. I think the fact that this situation just felt right to both of us is what has made him claim this child as his son. Even though it hurts me so much to see my husband's heart hurting, it has been a relief to finally see my husband attached to a potential match. He finally is feeling what I have been feeling all this year whenever we had a match or a potential match. He is finally feeling the same anxiety that I have been feeling all this time. Everytime his phone rings he gets into a panic and gets sick to his stomach just waiting on his phone to ring.
We, along with our family and friends, have been praying all week for this boy and for this boy to be our son if this is God's will. I sure hope we find out soon either way.
For the most part Kyle and I have remained quiet about this situation on purpose. We are really tired of being hurt and hurting our loved ones everytime we get excited about a situation only for it to not work out.
No matter what happens and what the decision is with this baby boy we are going to praise our mighty God. We will praise him when we are glad and when we are sad because we know that He has a plan for us and His plan is too awesome for us to understand or see right away sometimes.
Okay, so I know my adoption journey is not really like that because I know it will not come to an abrupt end. It just seems that each time we get a match or a potential match or even a potential son or daughter that as soon as we can almost say we are parents something happens and a tear is made in our hearts. Or it seems like we are stuck behind a sliding glass window that is so clean and clear that you can't even tell it's glass...and right when we run up to it it knocks us back and leaves us bruised.
Some of you know by now that we were going to be presented this past Tuesday on a baby boy due mid to late September. Some of you also know by now that that precious baby boy was born a month early on Monday night. We were still presented along with two other families on Tuesday and the birthmom was going to wait to choose a family at signing. Well, some issues have come up with the birthfather and so that is the only hold up. Kyle and I were feeling pretty confident that this was our son and when we have talked to eachother about the situation this week we have used the term "our son" and saying how we just want to hop in the car and drive down to meet "our son". Yes, we are very much attached to this baby boy even though we just learned about him and his birthmom last week. We were attached to him even before we knew he was going to be born a month early. Since we learned of his early birth we have debated on names and we narrowed it down to two and then we finally narrowed it down to one (the names we both agreed on were Luke and Milo. I left the decision up to Kyle and at first he was leaning toward Milo but thankfully he decided Luke is to be our son's name). Anyways, all of these feelings and talk are really kind of dangerous of us to get this attached to this baby boy and this situation because 1) we are one of three families being presented to the birthmom and she could choose a family other than us and 2) the birthfather may very well parent this child.
So...we kind of feel like we are stuck behind a glass door where we can see what we have been waiting for but the glass is in our way and it is knocking us back.
I feel really bad for my darling husband because this is the first time he has gotten attached to a situation (not counting the baby we had to walk away from back in January). The fact that this baby is a boy is not what has made Kyle so attached. I think the fact that this situation just felt right to both of us is what has made him claim this child as his son. Even though it hurts me so much to see my husband's heart hurting, it has been a relief to finally see my husband attached to a potential match. He finally is feeling what I have been feeling all this year whenever we had a match or a potential match. He is finally feeling the same anxiety that I have been feeling all this time. Everytime his phone rings he gets into a panic and gets sick to his stomach just waiting on his phone to ring.
We, along with our family and friends, have been praying all week for this boy and for this boy to be our son if this is God's will. I sure hope we find out soon either way.
For the most part Kyle and I have remained quiet about this situation on purpose. We are really tired of being hurt and hurting our loved ones everytime we get excited about a situation only for it to not work out.
No matter what happens and what the decision is with this baby boy we are going to praise our mighty God. We will praise him when we are glad and when we are sad because we know that He has a plan for us and His plan is too awesome for us to understand or see right away sometimes.
Monday, August 15, 2011
My blog posts are becoming less frequent (not that they were super frequent before). I just don't have any updates and I know the lack of updates can be pretty boring to read. The most recent match that we had (you know, the birthmom we got matched to back at the end of April) that came to a halt about five weeks ago has dissolved.
I know God hears my heart constantly crying out to Him and I know He knows the desires of my heart. I am starting to not understand why the adoption process has not gone smoothly for us. Don't get me wrong - I know that the adoption process is not usually a smooth one. It just seems as if we can never catch a break. I just want us to meet our baby.
Our agency supposedly has not had any drop-in situations in the past five weeks and I pray they have one soon. My sweet consultant has been a complete rock star throughout all of this and I don't know what we would do without her.
I know God hears my heart constantly crying out to Him and I know He knows the desires of my heart. I am starting to not understand why the adoption process has not gone smoothly for us. Don't get me wrong - I know that the adoption process is not usually a smooth one. It just seems as if we can never catch a break. I just want us to meet our baby.
Our agency supposedly has not had any drop-in situations in the past five weeks and I pray they have one soon. My sweet consultant has been a complete rock star throughout all of this and I don't know what we would do without her.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Babeless.
Yesterday I was asked, "How are those babies of yours?" I thought maybe I didn't hear the question correctly so I just said, "Huh?" The question was repeated and all I could do was answer, "I don't have any babies." The person who asked the question (who I don't really know that well) got me mixed up with someone else who works on my floor. I know she didn't mean anything by asking me and it actually didn't make me angry. She then went on to talk about her son and his wife who have been married for a while and how they don't care to have children right now. They like to do their own thing and that's okay. I just smiled and told her we hope to be adopting soon. I seriously didn't get sad or upset because this nice lady meant no offense.
I can't wait until the day I can tell others how my baby/babies is/are doing. I can't wait for the day I can be included on cutesy talk about what funny thing my child(ren) did the day before or what new word they said. I can only cling on to my faith and the hope that the Lord has our child for us and that we will meet him or her sooner rather than later.
I've been in some pretty weird moods lately and Kyle has been a trooper to put up with me. Every time I start feeling down in the dumps I quickly start praying and thanking God for all of the blessings He has given us. About two months ago I finished a running program that really helped to relieve some stress and help my mind stay focused. I've tried starting that program back up but I just am not into it right now. So, I've started a new 30 day program that has cardio and strength training on top of my walking. I also have been logging all of my calories and exercise. It really helps to (kind of) take my mind off of things and makes me stop focusing on why my heart is so raw right now.
Like I always say: God is good and life is tough but God is still good!
I can't wait until the day I can tell others how my baby/babies is/are doing. I can't wait for the day I can be included on cutesy talk about what funny thing my child(ren) did the day before or what new word they said. I can only cling on to my faith and the hope that the Lord has our child for us and that we will meet him or her sooner rather than later.
I've been in some pretty weird moods lately and Kyle has been a trooper to put up with me. Every time I start feeling down in the dumps I quickly start praying and thanking God for all of the blessings He has given us. About two months ago I finished a running program that really helped to relieve some stress and help my mind stay focused. I've tried starting that program back up but I just am not into it right now. So, I've started a new 30 day program that has cardio and strength training on top of my walking. I also have been logging all of my calories and exercise. It really helps to (kind of) take my mind off of things and makes me stop focusing on why my heart is so raw right now.
Like I always say: God is good and life is tough but God is still good!
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