Okay, so this blog is looking a little bit better but I know it can still use a bit of sprucing up.

My mind and heart have been going crazy lately. The different emotions I have been feeling have been leaving me in a weird mood. Exactly four weeks ago a little baby girl was born. Exactly four weeks ago Kyle and I were sitting in a hotel room, like we had been for days, waiting on pins and needles. Exactly four weeks ago later in the night we knew the birthmom had absolutely no intention of signing and made the long drive home.

Kyle and I are still without our baby. March is coming to an end and we are right back to where we are so used to being - without a child. Tomorrow is my darling husband's birthday and I would love more than anything to tell him that the agency called with an immediate situation. I've tried not to let the frustration and discouragement get the best of me but it's not been an easy task. Just when I feel that the frustration and discouragment have gotten me so down that I'm just numb, my heart starts fluttering whenever the phone rings. I pray for good news daily and I pray that God's will is done. I pray for Him to be glorified. I know once we meet the baby God intended for us it will all make sense and all of the frustration and discouragement will instantly disappear...it's just hard to understand that right now. Every day I try to be optimistic and think that this is just another day for us to finish another home project (okay, so we've finished all of our home projects for now) or that it's another day to sleep through the night. Okay, so I haven't been sleeping through the night and I've been getting to bed between midnight and 1 a.m. For those of you who really know me you know this is not like me at all. I'm usually in bed asleep between 9:30-10:00 pm. I just can't do it. When I do fall asleep it's as if my dreams make fun of me. I always have some kind of dream where we get "the call" and then once we get down there for placement it doesn't happen.

Okay, that's enough writing for one night. God is good and life is tough but God is still good!

I am in the process of changing the background, etc. on this blog. Please bare with me...I really don't understand what I'm doing and I find it very challenging to learn how to change templates, backgrounds, everything.

So I looked into how to deactivate this blog but then read that once you deactivate, you can only access it for three months until it disappears for good. I don't think I want this blog to disappear for good. From time to time I go back and read all of the posts and I just am always amazed at how far I've come and how much I have changed. I didn't realize deactivation meant deletion.

I'm still trying to decide if I can hold back from writing about any matches, etc. I really think at this point I can. In fact, I know I can. While I wish I could tell everyone of any matches once they happen, I know for my own sake and sanity I cannot. Over the past week or so I've learned to how to be very vague with people (for the most part at least). It's not that I'm lying to anyone...for those who really know me know that I can't lie worth a flip. I always smile really big and start laughing so that is why I am "too honest" (or so I'm told). No, I'm not brutally honest...I'm not mean at all when I'm being honest. I've just been told by family members that I am too honest. Anyway, being vague is challenging. Unfortunately I think I'm getting better and better at it, though I still don't like it.

For now I will keep this blog and post when I feel like posting. I'm not really sure what I will talk about but for now I will not deactivate this blog...I'm not ready for it to go away forever.

Is there such thing as a jinx? No, but it sure feels like it.

Our second failed adoption. That's right...FAILED.

I'll spare the details. I can tell you this...I am praying to the good Lord that he helps me to not feel anger. I pray that this baby girl radically changes the life of that pretty, young birthmom.

I know God still has a plan for us and has a reason that we have had two failed adoptions. I know that we are meant to adopt. I do admit in my own brief pity party yesterday the thought popped into my mind that maybe we aren't meant to be parents at all. Maybe we were just meant to be the loving aunt and uncle. I know Satan put that thought in my mind because I know good and well God has been preparing us to be parents and I know that we will be amazing parents.

Though I hate it, I am going to deactivate my blog. It's been a great outlet but I just feel like everytime I write about it something goes wrong. And as long as I have this blog I am going to write about any matches, etc. because I get so excited about it.

God is good and life is tough but God is still good. Forever He is faithful.