Happy Thanksgiving.

Today is Thanksgiving day and while I am extremely grateful and thankful for all of the blessings God has given me, I am very sad today. I cannot stop crying. I thought for sure by now Kyle and I would be celebrating a little blessing of our own, but that is not the case. I am having a hard time understanding why I am not yet pregnant.

I feel so selfish and greedy being sad this Thanksgiving. I really am thankful for a sweet husband, a wonderful family (both my family and my in-laws!), a great house and neighborhood, a job, and so forth. I just want to have a baby so badly. I want a little baby of our own to nurture and love and take care of. I know I will make a good mother and Kyle will make a great daddy. I just simply do not understand. I know it is all about God's timing. I just keep thinking that God blessed me for a short time this past summer with a pregnancy so why can I not get pregnant again? It seems like God was telling me that it was the right time.

So it's been over 4 months since I lost our baby and the random break downs have not stopped. Lately I get really sad knowing that by now we would have known whether we were having a boy or a girl. We had a few names picked out that we loved and what is strange to me is that if/when I do get pregnant again, I will not ever want to use those names. It just doesn't seem right and for some reason those names are no longer layed on my heart, especially the one we really liked for a little girl.

Sometimes I wonder if taking all of this medication month after month is just going to be a waste of time. I know that if there is a good outcome from all of this medication then no, it's not a waste of time. But I cannot even begin to tell you how disappointed I am going to be if this medication does not work. I know that ultimately I need to rely on God and not the medication. That is why I am not getting my hopes set too high on the medication.

I should mention that I love Christmas music. I love it so much that I could listen to it no matter the season. Lately, whenever I am in a store, it makes me a little sad because I pictured me singing Christmas music to our growing baby inside of me this Christmas.

It's really eerie, but lately I keep picturing Kyle and I with a little blonde hair blue eyed baby boy. I've been having dreams at night about this same little baby boy. It's really weird yet for some reason it gives me a small glimmer of hope.

This blog entry is very scattered today, but that is how my mind is right now.