By His Grace

So it's been over 4 months since I lost our baby and the random break downs have not stopped. Lately I get really sad knowing that by now we would have known whether we were having a boy or a girl. We had a few names picked out that we loved and what is strange to me is that if/when I do get pregnant again, I will not ever want to use those names. It just doesn't seem right and for some reason those names are no longer layed on my heart, especially the one we really liked for a little girl.

Sometimes I wonder if taking all of this medication month after month is just going to be a waste of time. I know that if there is a good outcome from all of this medication then no, it's not a waste of time. But I cannot even begin to tell you how disappointed I am going to be if this medication does not work. I know that ultimately I need to rely on God and not the medication. That is why I am not getting my hopes set too high on the medication.

I should mention that I love Christmas music. I love it so much that I could listen to it no matter the season. Lately, whenever I am in a store, it makes me a little sad because I pictured me singing Christmas music to our growing baby inside of me this Christmas.

It's really eerie, but lately I keep picturing Kyle and I with a little blonde hair blue eyed baby boy. I've been having dreams at night about this same little baby boy. It's really weird yet for some reason it gives me a small glimmer of hope.

This blog entry is very scattered today, but that is how my mind is right now.