Jumbled.

I know I said I will post about what happened. Even though I am so blessed to feel a huge peace in my heart, today has been a little hard. A week ago today is when we said goodbye to that sweet baby girl and I have been having flashbacks all day of our time with her. It has started to really sink in that I am not a mom anymore. I am realizing that I was only a temporary mom and even though those were the best (almost) 11 weeks of my life, reality has hit me. We are back in the waiting stage of getting "the call" and it is more painful than ever. I am absolutely trusting that God has a special baby for us. I just am really, really, really wanting to meet him or her soon. Very soon.

Anyways, I wrote all of that to say that I am still not quite at a place right now to type out exactly what happened. As the days go on I realize I don't need to type out every single detail but only the short of it (yeah, like I can make stories short...not!). I may just type out the major details and whoever wants to know more can send me a message and I will be happy to answer any questions. Every time I start to type out what happened or write a few paragraphs I end up erasing everything because it just doesn't flow together. I think I am going to have to realize that it will never exactly flow together or make complete sense. So, hopefully I will write out the story soon. Maybe this weekend or next week. Sorry to keep everyone waiting! I seriously had three paragraphs written out and then just erased them all because they were all sorts of mixed up and jumbled.

She's not here.

Part of me does not want to write about what happened because it makes it that much more final. Yet, the door that remains closed to her nursery (well, except when I am home by myself and I magically find myself sitting in the nursery holding all of the clothes that are in the hamper that need to be washed) and the video monitor that is unplugged and wrapped up are all constant reminders that we no longer have Olivia. The constant reminders every time I walk through our neighborhood and realize that I am no longer pushing a stroller with a sleeping or cooing baby girl inside of it. Every time I go to the store and find myself parking right by the buggy holders outside and then realize I no longer have my girl and her car seat to put in a buggy so I can now park as far away as I want (I could keep on going with the "every time" scenarios but I will stop for now).

Part of me feels almost obligated to write about what happened because we had so many people - friends, family, strangers - praying for us and for Olivia. Also, I don't want adoption to leave a bad taste in mouths or minds so I want to document what happened and why it happened (and really, there is no good answer as to why except lack of knowledge on Ch. 63 Adoption but most of all just poor judgement). Though some people know of two or three people this has happened to it's not really a common thing. Seriously. So please do not think all adoptions end like this or are at great risk for ending like this. Also, please do not think God has forgotten about us. He most certainly has not forgotten about us and He has been so good to us. Jesus has blessed us constantly and even though I am really sad and devastated and just plain worn out, I am thanking Him for blessing us with Olivia for that time. Being Olivia's mom for almost 11 weeks was my heart's dream and wish come true. I saw everything in brighter colors when I was her mommy and everything I layed my eyes on looked absolutely beautiful. Seeing my sweet husband with her just completely took my breath away and made me smile. Yes, He really did bless us with her and I praise Him for that. We prayed so hard for the Lord's will to be done and even though we thought His will was having me and Kyle be her parents...it obviously was not for some reason. We really and truly thought that God would not give us Olivia to have her taken from us. But, it happened. I know that it is part of His plan and just because I prayed for Olivia to stay with us forever does not mean that my prayers have gone unanswered. I know God is radically moving in our lives and preparing us for something so sweet and so great that we fully cannot comprehend it right now. Not only are we supposed to praise Jesus when we are happy but we are also supposed to praise Him when we are grieving. He doesn't owe it to us to make this journey easy - He never promised that once. He does not owe us anything. He did promise to be there every single step of the way with us and for that I am so grateful.

Alright, I had planned to type up the story tonight but I am too tired to do that right now. So, I'll try to write more tomorrow night. Thanks to everyone again for the prayers!

As many of you know we are now without our sweet Olivia. I will write about it in the upcoming days but I do want to thank everyone for their prayers. We have truly felt your prayers and encouragement during this time.