Oh Happy (Finalization) Day!

Forgive my last post formating - this blog site changed on me and I had no idea my paragraphs were not formatting correctly.

So, Penny will definitely not be getting an irish twin. My body was not miscarrying naturally like it did three years ago, so I had to have surgery the Friday before Mother's Day (as I was typing this the doctor who did my surgery just called to check on me...he was really worried about me since he had heard about my not so wonderful recovery...that was really nice). The day before the surgery I had them do two more ultrasounds just to make extra sure. I was 10 weeks and Penny would have had an irish twin (meaning less than a year apart - they would have been 10 months apart).

I did/am doing great emotionally (much different than my first miscarriage), but last week I had a very rough week physically.  I ended up having contractions and labor even though there was nothing there and couldn't stop sweating. Weird and ouch. I probably looked like a fool!  Yesterday I started feeling like my normal self again - no more pain! It still bums me out that it is going to be challenging for Penny to have a sibling, no matter the way that sibling(s) come(s) to our family. We are going to try to network for our next adoption, but if that doesn't work out we are wanting to look into adopting from foster care (actually, let me re-word that...whether networking works or not for us, we definitely want to adopt from foster care). This makes me very excited! So, we will start looking into that in probably a year or two. Until then, we are always open to situations that come our way through networking (our home and family will always be open!). I just love adoption.

Okay, so let's talk about the most important thing....FINALIZATION! Penny's finalization was last Thursday. Man oh man, it was seriously the best day of our lives. Meeting Penny was the best day of my life and is still right there with finalization, but considering everything we have been through in our adoption journey, her finalization just is off the charts. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings of excitement and emotions going into that day. When I stepped into that courtroom I thought my mouth was going to break from smiling so much! I was so happy I could not get that big smile off of my face. During my testimony I kept looking down at my daughter who was sleeping in our arms and I was trying not to cry (happy tears, of course). I finally couldn't hold my tears of joy inside any longer and on the last couple of questions I started bawling (thankfully you cannot really tell on the video tape that I was crying a lot). I am the type of person that, while I may be emotional, I do not cry in public. It's probably because I can be a little shy. I can only think of three times in the past year and a half of our adoption journey (including this finalization) where I have cried in front of people. I always feel like I need to be strong for others around me. But heck, it was my daughter's finalization...bring on the public tears! When the attorney asked me why we wanted to adopt Penny, I made it through except on the last sentence. My voice started cracking and then when I said, "I just love her so much." is when I started crying and then when he asked me if it was the happiest day of my life I could only shake my head because I was crying so hard. I told Kyle after we got back home that I wish when the judge granted the adoption we would have held hands, stood up, and started jumping up and down and shouting praises to God and declaring our love for Penny. I would have even loved to have jumped on the table we were sitting at and started doing a happy dance! Actually, it would have been really fun and neat if we held Penny up like Mufassa does with Simba at the beginning of The Lion Kind for all of the land to see his newborn son. That is what I felt like doing and honestly, I'm sure that nice judge would not have had a problem with it. Oh well, at least I did all of that in my head. It was such a special day. At the end when the judge granted the adoption and made us an "official" family (which, we have been an official family from the beginning, but you know what I mean), I had feelings of peace, love, joy, etc. come over me and I couldn't stop kissing Penny's sweet face. It makes me cry right now just thinking about that day and how much it meant to our little family. Penny means so much to us and is such a special little girl, I love her with all of my heart and am so blessed to me her mom.

 I wish everyone would choose to experience the awesome gift of adoption. Praise be to our God who is truly awesome in power! I can say without a doubt, even in the hard times, even when we don't know what the heck is going on our what is going to happen next...God knows and has a plan for everything.

Finalization is right around the corner!

I've been so busy I rarely have time to watch television much less write. However, there have been a couple of exciting things that have happened and are happening so I will report those first. Last Friday was my last day working at the university where I worked for almost five years. Before that I went to school there for four years. I loved that university - I love the place, the town, the people, and I actually loved my job. I really love everything about it. That place is like no other and it has such a commnity feel to it - it truly is a family. However, I was offered a full-time job transcribing documents from home, which means being a work-from-home mom (it seems like many people don't understand that I'm actually working full-time from home). I get to see Penny whenever I want to, take lunch breaks with her, go on walks whenever we want to whether it be in the morning, afternoon, or during the evening. It's great. We went through way too much to meet our Penny and while I will miss my friends at work (I'll still see them, though!), the loving community, paid vacations and paid time off, all of the sacrifices are worth it to be with Penny. God has truly blessed us with Penny and my love for her cannot be put in to words. The second exciting happening around here is that we will be traveling back to Florida next week for one last time (well, until whenever us Disney fantatics save up for a trip to Disney! What I mean is one last time to the agency.). Next Thursday will my first time in a court room answering questions before a judge and I could not be more excited. We are finalizing Penelope's adoption next Thursday! I am so excited that I just keep envisioning it in my head. We will be video taping it and taking pictures with the judge and I just feel like I am getting ready to win millions of dollars...except this is much, much better than winning any amount of money! We have known from day one that Penny is our daughter - the first moment I saw her is such a precious memory for me. Everythning really has fallen into place ever since God led us to Penny. Going to court is just for the legal aspect of it, but I am just so excited because now when people ask me if "everthing is okay" with her adoption (referring back to the adoptions that failed), I can answer with a smile and a yes and move on. It's funny that I am so excited to get her birth certificate in the mail in a couple of months...I think non-adoptive parents sometimes take simple things like documents for granted (they don't really have to think about documents and that is okay, I'm not condemning at all). Anyway, it is going to be a glorious day and I just wish that we were finalizing in Georgia so all of our family and friends can attend this momentous occasion. I cry tears of joy every time I think about finalization and how far we have come. Something else has happened in our household that was exciting, but just wasn't meant to be. I actually found out about five or so weeks ago that I am pregnant. Yes, it was a complete shock, but definitely not a mistake. No child is a mistake and it was a shock in the best of ways. We kept our mouths shut about the pregnancy and planned to surprise everyone on Mother's Day with the exciting news. We had even planned to incorporate Penny and get her a shirt that says Big Sister and tell our families that way. I actually saw and heard the heartbeat a couple of weeks ago. Last Friday after I got off of work (my last day working at the university) I just knew something was wrong. Spending four hours at the doctor and having three ultrasounds confirmed there was no logner a heart beat. They offered me options and procedures to go ahead and get the baby out of me, but I am choosing to miscarry naturally once again. The scary part about it is that I don't know when it's going to happen...I just know more than likely it will happen within the next few weeks. I am sad about the loss of a human life and I am really sad that it is not going to be easy for Penny to have a sibling, whether through adoption or biologically. We probably won't be able to adopt again for a few years, but as we know and as we have learned - God is thankfully in control of our lives and our future and he already has everything planned out. God is good all the time!

Dancing With My Daughter

This is my last week day at home with my little Penny since I go back to work on Monday. I am so thankful for the precious eight weeks I have had at home with her and I am incredibly grateful to the people who made it possible. Seriously. So, thank you. Thank you times a million.

My baby girl sleeps through the night and is a great eater and napper (at least for now). Penny has actually been sleeping through the night since she was about three to four weeks old. Yeah, I'm blessed, I know.

I love our nightly routine. Penny enjoys being rocked to sleep, but not in one of our two brand new, comfortable recliners (she likes being rocked in them for naps, though). She enjoys one of us standing up with her and rocking her back and forth in our arms (or rocking her in the car seat which is a humorous site! Can we say muscles?!). About ten or fifteen minutes before I know she is about to conk out for the night I turn on a little frog music player that projects sweet little stars and plays lullabies. The first lullaby is her favorite and it reminds me of something you would hear in a ballet dance. While I used to belong to a dance company in my younger years, I cannot dance worth a flip. But at night I turn into the ultimate ballerina and I dance my daughter to sleep. I'm sure that sounds silly to some but it is a time I treasure so much. While we are ballet dancing throughout her small room, I pray over her and thank my Savior for her and her birthparents. I did not do anything to deserve being Penny's mom but I sure am grateful that the Lord sees me fit to be her mom. I usually get a little teary-eyed while dancing around with her because 1) I am in awe that the Lord chose us to be the parents of this amazing little girl and 2) I know these moments won't last forever.

I'll try to update sooner than a month's time but I am more busy than I have ever been before.

Happy.

Life with our Penny has been absolutely grand. I really can't get over how good God is and how perfectly He was working everything out even when I didn't understand what the heck was going on.

Two words right now can describe me: Happy and tired. My heart just feels right and is overwhelmed with happiness and every time I look at my daughter or think about how God was connecting us together it brings tears to my eyes. I am tired because that is just the way life with a newborn is...but I will tell you this: you will never find me complaining about being tired. It is a good, happy tired and I would not trade it for anything.

I love listening to the song Penny and Me in the car with Penny in her car seat. I can't wait for the day that she is able to sing this song along with me. While there is no amazing, spiritual meaning to this song, it is a good song - period. The meaning of the song is it is basically a love song to music - it talks about how music weaves through our lives and how important it is and it brings everyone together. It's about what great music does...and whether we realize it or not, music is special to all of us (music we danced to at our wedding, music we sang on road trips with friends, etc.). I love that. The song has always made me feel so carefree and upbeat and now it takes on a whole new meaning. I have always loved music (I can't play it worth a flip but listening to it has always been special to me). For the super music fans out there, there are several musical allusions to other famous songs/bands (not just the Beatles' Penny Lane) in the song that I really had no idea about until I researched it a bit.

We have our first post-placement visit tomorrow and we are not nervous or excited - we know what to expect and it is just a normal part of our routine now. Hopefully in a few weeks I can get some sort of idea of when finalization might take place.

I love how God has worked in our lives and what He has done. I'm thankful for a loving Savior who truly orchestrates every single little detail.

It's always PENNY and me tonight!

As many of you already know, our daughter was born 11 days ago. Her name is Penelope Carol and we call her Penny. Yes, we intentionally named our child after one of my favorite Hanson songs and are proud of it. Plus, Penny just suits her so well. We love the name.

We've known about Penny since right before Thanksgiving. Her birthparents picked us and let me just tell you - I was blessed enough to meet them at the hospital when Penny was two days old and wow, that meeting with her birthparents was every adoptive parents dream. They made me feel like her mom from the very first second I walked in the door to their room. It was such a precious time and I will never, ever forget that.

Meeting Penny was another moment I will never forget. From the second I layed eyes on her I felt like her mom. Yes, it is quite different with Penny than any other baby or situation we have encountered. I don't live in fear with her. I'm not afraid that each day is going to be my last until I have to give her back to her birthparents. I don't panic every time the phone rings wondering if it is agency/lawyer. I live in peace and joy with Penny. I love in complete happiness and contentment. Before saying bye to her birthmom, she asked me if I felt peace. She then went on to say that she hopes I feel peace knowing that no one is ever going to take Penny away from me because she is my daughter. That made my heart swell with pure joy and gratefulness when her birthmom told me that.

I will try to post a little bit about the first time meeting Penny some other time. I imagine I will get even more slack with writing. So, there you have it. We have our Penny. We thank the Lord every day for her. I understand why everything that has happened in the past 13 months has happened...and even more recently in the past 3 months. God is good and even though our journey had much heartbreak to it, that heartbreak was so worth and it and honestly that heartbreak was necessary. You see, I was almost to the point right before we learned about Olivia that I wanted to put our adoption journey on pause. I told Kyle that if we did not have a baby by our anniversary (October) then for my heart's sake I thought we needed to pause our journey for a while. I think God brought Olivia to us so I would not give up so fast. He showed me that He did indeed mean for me to be a parent but I'm pretty sure he was trying to remind me that it is in His time, not mine. Yes, taking that baby named Olivia from us was pretty drastic at the time but honestly I was able to heal from that pretty quickly. Even though it saddened me, I almost immediately felt a sense of peace. I also told my husband that I no longer had to live in fear every time the phone rang or every time the doorbell rang. Yes, I truly believe that God brought Olivia into our lives for that short time so I would keep on and not put our whole journey on pause. I believe He had us in mind to be Penny's parents all along. This situation just worked out beautifully. I love her so much and I just feel like her mom (I know I am her mom!).

Okay, enough rambling for tonight...I didn't even think about what I wrote - I just let my fingers do the typing.

So, I've decided to share my blog with everyone - and by everyone I mean all of Facebook. I know I will now have family members and friends who will probably wonder why I have never shared this blog with them before and hopefully everyone will be understanding.

I originally started this blog for just myself. It was a great outlet and very therapeutic to be able to write about my loss and struggle with infertility. Then it became a way to document our adoption journey. I have not posted all of the details about the birthmoms who have come into our lives just out of respect but I have indeed documented what I felt like was appropriate or what I felt like writing about and re-living through words.

I used to be a pretty good writer in my younger years. With this blog I started out checking all of my sentences and spelling but as the months and years have gone on I stopped caring so much about sentence structure and form and just typed whatever the heck came to mind.

I decided to share this blog with everyone with the hope to encourage others, no matter what they might be going through. I also would like to encourage other adoptive moms who may be going through a tough adoption journey of their own. I know it has helped me tremendously to read other adoption blogs. I may not be the best writer but I provide very real thoughts. Whatever you might be going through - whether it related to your journey to parenthood or something completely different - I encourage you to find a creative outlet to help yourself get your thoughts out whether it is writing, painting, drawing, singing, ballroom dancing (I know that is a little random but there is a fairly new ballroom dancing place near where I live that I think would be so cool to try out), etc.

For the most part I am a private person so sharing this blog is a big step for me and I still feel a little funny and weird sharing my blog so publicly. My writing can be very awkward, sarcastic and most of all jumbled but it's honest writing. My blog is not too fancy and I have still not put up pictures because that was not the original purpose of my blog. Maybe soon I will start adding pictures and making it cute but for now I just care about the writing.

So, here it is. Here is me. Feel free to start reading from here or from the very beginning. The only things that have really changed since my very first post almost two and a half years ago is 1) I don't have a dream or desperation to becoming pregnant and I don't care what or who my children look like and 2) I started drinking sweet tea again.

Statistically speaking.

A year ago today is when we received our very first "The Call" and frantically (without speeding, of course) drove down to Florida to go meet the first baby we thought was our daughter. We all know how the story turned out when we had to make the hardest decision we have ever, ever had to make and turn around after 4-5 days and make the trip home - babyless.

Statistically, we should already have been (permanent) parents by now (I look at statistics by using a small agency and a consultant). But, as we have seen, Kyle and I just don't seem to do things easy. Even though it can be really frustrating, I kind of like that our story is not one that is just rainbows and butterflies. I am not knocking the people who have had an easy adoption journey - I think those serve as powerful and beautiful and wonderful stories. I just kind of think it's pretty neat that one day we will be able to tell our child just how hard we fought for him/her and just how long we longed for him/her. We will be able to tell our child that God put us on a path that was definitely not our own because He had something even greater in store for us. Who knows, maybe I tell myself all of these positive things about having a super tough journey because that is what helps keep me holding my head held high. That and of course Jesus. When nothing else has been constant or consistent in our adoption journey Jesus has always been and I can see that.

So, I can't and won't fret over statistics. After all, statistics don't have anything to do with the power of the Cross or God's timing. I hope I will be able to share some good news in a week or so.