The other day I didn't get a chance to finish writing my thoughts on adoption. I think adoption is a wonderful thing. My eldest brother is adopted as is his wife. My cousin has adopted two children. I know a few others who have adopted and I know plenty of people who have been adopted. I am all for adoption. I have really been thinking about adoption lately since the words, "What if..." run through my mind daily with trying to get pregnant ("What if I can't get pregnant again?").

Though my husband is definitely not opposed to adopting a child, he says that we are too young to think about that right now. I do see his point to an extent but I really don't think you can label this as "too young".

Adoption can be a very expensive process. I know a couple of people who have been fortunate enough to do private adoptions which if I understand right are less expensive (I do a lot of reading). There is no way that we could afford to go through an agency that charges $20,000-$40,000 to adopt a child. That part is very heartbreaking...knowing that if I cannot get pregnant then I may not be able to afford to adopt a child. I know that private adoptions are rare but that is definitely how I would want to do it. I guess I am getting ahead of myself, though.

So yesterday I went in to have a sonogram. They had to perform a sonogram on me before the doctor would up my dosage of clomid to make sure I don't have any ovarian cysts. Thankfully everything came back clear and today the nurse called in a prescription of Clomid for me. They increased the dosage from 50 mg to 100 mg. I asked if there was any way if they could please increase it to 150 mg but she said there is no way they could increase it that much for this dosage. My body has to get used to this 100 mg dosage before increasing it to 150 mg. I am praying that this is our month and that they will not have to increase it. I pray that January is the month that the Lord blesses us (again) with a baby...a baby who will stay with us this time.

Though I am extremely blessed with an amazing husband, an outstanding family (both sides of the family), a great job, fantastic friends, a wonderful house, etc...I still feel as if 2009 has been a year of sadness and disappointment for us (with the exception of my niece being born...she really fills my heart with joy). I call 2009 the year of sadness. I am ready for 2010 and I hope that this is our year...our year to share our love with a precious gift from God.

Goodbye 2009...welcome 2010.

Well, the magic of Disney did not work this past cycle. That just shows me even more to rely on God.

I talked to the nurse yesterday about increasing my dosage of Clomid. I told her that I've done my research and I know I only have 3 more rounds of Clomid until the rounds just stop. I asked her to increase it from 50 mg to 150 and let her know that I feel desperate. Yes, I actually used the word desperate. She said that my doctor is out of town until Thursday but to call her today and she will try her best to get in touch with him so he can hopefully give her the go ahead to increase the dosage.

I've been thinking a lot lately about adoption. I know this is kind of rushing things since we've "only" been trying to have a child for 2 years and since I am "only" 25 years old. I put the word "only" in quotation marks because I know this is how some people view my situation but honestly, everyone is different. I turn 25 years old next week and while I know that Kyle and I are still very young, 2 years is a long time for us to be trying to have a child in my opinion. I know I've "only" had one miscarriage and "only" had one pregnancy, but still. No one else but me has to go through this feeling of self doubt like it is my fault that I cannot get pregnant and it is my fault that I lost our baby (no one has ever told me that anything is my fault...that is just how I feel sometimes). I keep wondering well what if I had found out sooner that I was pregnant in the summer...could I have prevented a miscarriage? I know the answer is no since I miscarried pretty early on. I know there was something wrong with my baby from the beginning because of the beta levels and the progesterone levels. I keep thinking well what if I did not participate in the Peachtree Road a couple of days after I found out I was pregnant? I know that has nothing to do with it, either.

My due date month is coming up in 2 months - March (not exactly sure of the due date but I know it's March). I can't believe that right now I should be 7 months pregnant. I know I need to stop thinking like that but I cannot help it. Kyle and I are going to try to go to California in March. I know that is not the best time weather-wise to go...but honestly, I just want something to take my mind off of everything that month.

Our Disney Christmas Vacation 2009 was wonderful! It was such a great time of being with my family. I am also glad that my mother-in-law went! She's a lot of fun to be around and so sweet.

I got a new job. I am still with the same company but I will be moving departments. While I am so sad to leave my coworkers/friends and while I will miss doing what I do, I am looking forward to this new position. I think it's time for a change and this change is coming at the perfect time. This new position requires 0% traveling which is like music to my ears. When travel season starts up (during the fall), I find myself to be very stressed. I think this is going to take a lot of the stress off of me and I am looking forward to finally enjoying fall next year. Don't get me wrong...I absolutely love my job and love what I do. It's just time for a change. I think having less stress travel-wise will be good for me. I've been thinking that maybe all of this medication has not been working because of the stress.

I've had my ups and my downs this week. Weekly I find out of someone else who is pregnant. Today I burst into tears while talking to my friend. I do not cry in front of others (except Kyle) so this was a pretty embarrassing ordeal for me.

Tomorrow we leave for a nice family vacation. I am really looking forward to it and the hopeful in me is kind of optimistic because we are going to Disney World...the most magical place on earth.

I am also very frustrated right now. I've been on Clomid for the past 3 months (I just finished my 3rd round of Clomid) and this last time I called the nurse and asked her to up my prescription to at least 100 mg. It was not my normal nurse because she was on vacation. This new nurse who I have not dealt with before asked a different doctor (my doctor was also out on vacation) and the doctor said no, keep it at 50 mg for now. Well, I am beginning to really get upset because I've done my research on Clomid and a woman can only take 6 rounds of Clomid...and if they have not gotten pregnant by the 3rd round then it looks really doubtful. I also read that the highest amount a doctor can prescribe is up to 200 mg. I think if this cycle didn't work then I am going to call my regular nurse/doctor and beg them to put me to at least 150 mg. It's almost a feeling of desperation. I am tired of feeling disappointed month after month. My miscarriage has been haunting me like crazy. I keep thinking of how happy Kyle and I were to find out that we were going to be parents. Then I keep thinking of both of us just sobbing when I came home to tell him that I was probably going to lose the baby. The image in my mind of me tossing and turning on the bed in the hotel room in New York not knowing that it was only a matter of minutes before I would birth our very, very early unborn child. The image of the fetus will forever stick in my head. I know that ultimately it's up to God and not medicine on me being fertile and being with child.

I am one who believes that there are way too many paranoid people in this world. I used to make fun of women who took all of the extra, wacky precautions because they were pregnant (not eating deli meat, hot dogs, soft serve ice cream, etc.). Well, I know that if/when I get pregnant again, I am going to be right there in the statistical numbers of paranoid maniacs trying to do anything I can to make sure I have a healthy baby. This sounds morbid and while I would never, ever wish upon my worst enemy that they lose a baby, I think people would have a better and deeper appreciation if they had to go through losing their baby.

Alright, this has been another scattered post.

Thanksgiving was a good day. I told myself I would have a good day and I did indeed. It was so nice to spend the day with all of my family.

My younger sister and I decided to do some Black Friday shopping early in the morning the day after Thanksgiving. Normally I am against Black Friday shopping but they had some deals that were too good to pass up. We left the house at exactly 1:30 a.m. and headed to Toys R Us. While we were waiting in line for 45 minutes outside in the cold (they only let about 20 people in every 10 minutes), I saw something spectacular:

I saw my first shooting star.

Now, I know this might not seem like a big deal to the average person, but in all of my (almost) 25 years, this was the first time I had ever witnessed a shooting star. It was so bright and pretty and it looked like a firework. I am not supersticious and I've been asked my multiple people if I made a wish but honestly I did not make a wish out loud since I have a constant wish in my heart. I am going to take this as a good sign for this month.

I sit and wonder from time to time how all of the people I know (or so it seems) keep getting pregnant. It really seems like it's so easy for everyone but me. I know that I will make a great mom and that Kyle will make a great dad. We are going to be great parents, I just know it. I guess the question that keeps sounding in my head and that I ask Kyle almost daily is, "WHY?".

Happy Thanksgiving.

Today is Thanksgiving day and while I am extremely grateful and thankful for all of the blessings God has given me, I am very sad today. I cannot stop crying. I thought for sure by now Kyle and I would be celebrating a little blessing of our own, but that is not the case. I am having a hard time understanding why I am not yet pregnant.

I feel so selfish and greedy being sad this Thanksgiving. I really am thankful for a sweet husband, a wonderful family (both my family and my in-laws!), a great house and neighborhood, a job, and so forth. I just want to have a baby so badly. I want a little baby of our own to nurture and love and take care of. I know I will make a good mother and Kyle will make a great daddy. I just simply do not understand. I know it is all about God's timing. I just keep thinking that God blessed me for a short time this past summer with a pregnancy so why can I not get pregnant again? It seems like God was telling me that it was the right time.

So it's been over 4 months since I lost our baby and the random break downs have not stopped. Lately I get really sad knowing that by now we would have known whether we were having a boy or a girl. We had a few names picked out that we loved and what is strange to me is that if/when I do get pregnant again, I will not ever want to use those names. It just doesn't seem right and for some reason those names are no longer layed on my heart, especially the one we really liked for a little girl.

Sometimes I wonder if taking all of this medication month after month is just going to be a waste of time. I know that if there is a good outcome from all of this medication then no, it's not a waste of time. But I cannot even begin to tell you how disappointed I am going to be if this medication does not work. I know that ultimately I need to rely on God and not the medication. That is why I am not getting my hopes set too high on the medication.

I should mention that I love Christmas music. I love it so much that I could listen to it no matter the season. Lately, whenever I am in a store, it makes me a little sad because I pictured me singing Christmas music to our growing baby inside of me this Christmas.

It's really eerie, but lately I keep picturing Kyle and I with a little blonde hair blue eyed baby boy. I've been having dreams at night about this same little baby boy. It's really weird yet for some reason it gives me a small glimmer of hope.

This blog entry is very scattered today, but that is how my mind is right now.

"Do I regret telling people?" is a question I always ponder on. In a way, no. I am not ashamed of what happened nor am I humiliated anymore. It's a fact of life. I lost our baby. I LOST OUR BABY. I just don't like the sympathetic looks and awkward silences that I feel it sometimes brings about. At the same time (and contradicting what I just said), I also feel mad sometimes when I feel like people refuse to acknowledge what happened. It's like everyone's scared to talk about it. I've actually had only one friend ask me how I am doing since losing the baby, and that happened today. It was almost refreshing that he asked me about it.

Many people in the past 2.5 (almost 3) months have told Kyle and sometimes myself that it is completely normal to lose the first baby. Even the second, third, fourth, fifth, and so on. I know they are trying to be encouraging, but I do not want to hear about someone who has had 7 miscarriages. To be that is not uplifting nor encouraging. It also scares me even more! I also get furious whenever I see women either out in public or on Facebook who complain about their morning sickness, pregnancy related cramps, weight gain, etc. I would give anything to have all of that morning sickness, cramps, weight gain, etc. related to a pregnancy. It always feels like a slap on my face whenever someone complains about that kind of stuff. Am I selfish for feeling like this? Maybe. Honestly I'm not really sure. I do know that if God ever gives me the awesome blessing of carrying my child again, that I will welcome any morning sickness, etc. that might come my way.

Last night at the ball park while I was watching Kyle's softball game, a lady showed up who I hadn't seen in 6 months. When I met her for the first time 6 months ago at his basketball game, she asked me when I was due. At that point I was not yet pregnant, just over weight I guess. She later said she didn't feel so bad about that awkward question because she overheard my conversation with someone else about how I would love to have a child sooner than later.
Well, last night she asked if I remembered her and I politely said I did. She then asked, "So how is the baby making going?" I'm a little surprised at my reaction, but I just calmly stated, "Well, since I last saw you I got pregnant but then lost the baby this summer." I wasn't as angry as I thought I would have been. I was in awe that someone would be that rude to ask me such a personal question. She then stated that she too lost a "little peanut" between her 2 oldest children (she has 3 gorgeous little girls). At the end of the game when I was leaving, she told me she was praying for me. I did appreciate the kind words, I think I was just in shock of her manner.

I'm so glad I have such a gracious God. It is by His Grace that I can wake up each morning and know that everything will be alright. He has given me an amazing husband, a wonderful home, a supportive family, great friends...I know one day in His time again He will give me a baby. It's easier for me to say that statement rather than hear someone tell me that. I know people are just trying to be encouraging, but sometimes I wish they would not say things like that since they don't know what it's like.

I know these posts are all over the place...that's pretty much how my thoughts are these days.

I've started this journal to get my thoughts and words out about losing my baby this summer.

Kyle and I have been wanting to be parents for a while now. I knew from the time I was a little girl that I loved babies and kids. I love to watch them learn and grow, and I love to give unconditional love to them.

Long story short, I found out on Wednesday, July 1 of this year that Kyle and I were going to be parents! It was such a pleasant surprise that I didn't think would be that easy. I actually found out at a doctor's visit which did not even relate to pregnancy. When I got home that evening and told Kyle, we rejoiced and were so ecstatic. I kept telling him that it all seemed like a dream and too good to be true.

A couple of days later the doctor's office called me for a series of what would be many blood tests in the next few weeks to come. They found out that my progesterone levels were low and that my betas and other pregnancy hormones were extremely low. Some medication and a ton of blood work later...the doctor's office called to tell me I needed more lab work. I told her I just had it the day before and I wanted to know my results. She said she was not able to tell me since she was "just the receptionist" (those were her words) and that I needed to come in immediately -as in that day- for more lab work. I thought this was odd. I went in with a sinking feeling in my stomach. Once I got there I found out that they didn't really want to do lab work on me. They took me back to do an ultra sound, and even then they didn't tell me why they were doing it. Their excuse was, "Oh, just the normal ultra sound." The doctor sat me down in a tiny conference room and told me the horrifying news -that she believed I was in the process of miscarrying based on my blood work. She did go on to say how she was "puzzled" and "confused" because the ultra sound showed a growing baby (I saw the growing fetal pole with my own eyes), which totally contradicted the blood work. She then went on to say that the purpose of the appointment that day was to tell me that I would miscarry and she wanted to suggest for me to have a d&c. She never even explained what a d&c was, but I had a pretty good idea of what exactly that entailed. I told her no way, that even if I was miscarrying, I would not have a d&c on the chance that the little baby inside of me was going to survive.

The day after that, I went to that office and gathered all of my paperwork to go to a different practice to get a second opinion. The second opinion was the same, except this time the kind doctor explained every single thing to me (blood work results from the other doctor's office, d&c, etc...). I still told him I just could not to a d&c. He understood and told me he hoped my hotel was near a hospital (Kyle and I had scheduled a vacation to NYC) since we were leaving in 2 days to go on vacation.

Kyle and I went to NYC and amazingly (it was definitely God's doing), our hotel that we booked on priceline.com was only 2 blocks away from St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital! We actually discovered the hospital when we were walking around after we got there. I am usually a super fast walker, but this trip I was very, very slow. I was in so much physical pain when we arrived in NYC and had already begun the miscarriage. Despite everything, we walked to Times Sqaure that evening with the purpose of getting my mind off of everything that was happening. Kyle even bought us tickets to ride on the Toys R Us ferris wheel. It was such a sweet gesture. We ended our first night in NYC with dinner and dessert at Serendipity 3, my favorite restaurant in NYC. After a walk back we went straight to bed.

The next morning I woke up with a horrible sensation in my lower stomach. I could only bring myself to toss and turn and cry. It was a pain I have never felt before. Kyle took a quick shower and while he was in the shower I asked him to please hurry. I told him that I needed to go to the ER as fast as possible. I was prepared to go through with a d&c to take all of this pain away, because I knew by the amount of blood I was losing that this baby was no longer with us. About 2 minutes before we walked out the door, that is when the official miscarriage happened. It was a very traumatic experience for me and if I didn't have my sweet, brave husband there with me, I would have gone crazy. I was in shock from seeing the fetus...and this time not on an ultra sound screen. It will be an image that is forever burned into my mind and memory. After that incident we walked (yes, walked) to the ER where they took care of me (the sac passed through me as soon as I got there). Since I had a natural miscarriage, all the hospital could do was run a bunch of blood work and an ultrasound. I do have to say that I am so thankful to the Lord that I had a natural miscarriage on my own. I am so glad I did not have the d&c.

The rest of the NYC trip was a good time, but also a little bitter. I tried to put on a happy face and Kyle did a great job of encouraging me. Despite our traumatic loss on that trip, I have to honestly say that that was probably the best time I've had in NYC. Kyle made it so wonderful. I am so glad that Kyle picked me to marry him! I love him so much.

I've tried not to give in to joining the blogging world, but lately I've been thinking about creating a blog so all of my thoughts can flow out of my brain.

I don't believe in retail therapy- I don't really enjoy spending money. I don't believe in bottle therapy- I don't drink alcohol (or caffeine/carbonated drinks). I don't believe in hermit therapy- I'm not anti-social (okay, maybe this fact is not true. I can be pretty anti-social). I do however, believe in writing therapy.

Writing has been something that I've always enjoyed, whether it be in story form, poetic form, or just throwing-a-bunch-of-words-down form. That's why I've decided to start this blog- to tell my story, to get my words out.