It's funny how my mind and heart work. I was doing so well and feeling such a peace about everything. I still feel a great peace about it and I know in my heart that we did the right thing - I know that God gave us an answer that was so loud and clear. I think I have had a mild set back, though.

I just saw a picture that was taken today of that sweet girl, baby Marlee (that is what her new family has named her). She is still in the NICU but she doesn't have wires all over her body. She has some attached to her hand and nose but that's it from what I can see. Her head is not wrapped up. She has a pink headband/bow in her hair. She has a sweet little shirt on and a pretty pink chrocheted blanket over her. She's gotten bigger since we last saw her. Her face is already growing out of the newborn look. She looks so much different. Her eyes don't look tired (even when they were closed she looked so exhausted). Her nose and little lips are the same. She has the same lips as her birthmom and her brother. She also shares a nose with her brother. She has stuffed animals around her. She has stuffed animals around her. Her little cheeks are a light pink. I cannot help but cry.

I think back to the sweet little headbands/bows that we bought her on the first day of the new year. I was so excited with visions of putting them in her hair for the first time. I remember thinking about which color I was gong to put on her for the first time. I think about all of the baby clothes - preemie and newborn sizes - that are still in my car. The packed diaper bag is still in there as well.

She looks so perfect. I know she is still sick but goodness gracious, she is beautiful. She looks so peaceful.

This is going to sound awful but two days ago I actually deleted her pictures from my phone. I still have pictures on my camera but I deleted the ones off of my phone and I felt good about doing that. It's not that I don't want to remember her because I am always going to remember her. I just felt like it was time to delete them and I didn't feel guilty about doing so.

I am not handling seeing this new picture of her very well. I don't know why it's hitting me like this when I've been so happy. I'm still at peace because I know she has a family who can take care of her extreme medical needs. I think I am just sad for myself right now. Sad that I'm not the one putting the bows on her. Sad that she isn't mine to put sweet onesies on. Sad that each and every day I look at my empty stroller and my empty carseat just waiting to be filled. I keep having dreams of babies. I keep having dreams that we meet the child that is meant to be ours. Every night I look into the empty bassinet. I'm not sure if I'm halfway expecting for a baby to be in there but I cannot help but look every night before I go to bed.

Praise God for taking care of that sweet baby girl and God bless the family who is officially hers.

Everytime I log in to write a post about the failed adoption a couple of weeks ago, I have nothing to write. Sure, I have many things in my head about it and I will never, ever forget that experience. I just feel like right now my words cannot do that experience justice. My words cannot do that precious little girl justice.

I almost feel like maybe I shouldn't write about what happened...maybe I should just leave it as a memory. I could write every detail about those four days that forever changed my life and drew me way closer to God than I already was. I just feel like I can't. I don't have writer's block I just feel like there is not a need to write about it right now. I'm sure that probably doesn't make a bit of sense.

We are in the process of being presented...I just don't think we will really "broadcast" our match until the adoption is a done deal...as in signed, sealed, delivered. That is going to be really hard for me. I love sharing the great news with everyone. I want to shout great news from the roof of my house because I get so excited. After talking with Kyle, we both agree that everytime we share great news relating to us being parents, we jinx ourselves and it doesn't work out. While the experience of not becoming parents when you think you are about to become parents is exruciating and so heartbreaking, it's also heartbreaking to have to go back and tell everyone that it just wasn't meant to be. Sure, when we get matched I will tell our immediate family (parents and siblings), my cousin and two of my friends...but that's it. We just can't keep getting everyone around us excited to just go back and let them no it was a false alarm. It's a bummer.

Anyways, hopefully we will be matched soon and hopefully sooner rather than later we will have some fantastic news to report. In the meantime I will probably write a post or two about what happened a few weeks ago. It will probably have to be written in a couple of different parts since it took place over four days.

I've Seen An Angel

Sometime this week I will probably write about our heartbreaking experience last week and how we had to walk away without signing any papers for that sweet, precious girl we affectionately called Caroline. I have a huge peace about it but I still get sad about it. I'm selfishly sad that she is not ours and that we cannot take care of her but I know her forever family is out there. There have been many inquiries about her since there are families out there who are financially equipped and ready to provide around the clock parental care for a baby with such severe and life threatening conditions.

I love her and miss her so much. I really feel like I have seen an angel if not the face of Jesus. That might sound silly but I fully believe it. Okay, I need to quit writing before I start sobbing before church! His love truly is deeper than our view of grace.

Two more weeks until the expected due date. I am really trying to remain patient and have a patient heart and mind...but to be honest, it's getting harder and harder. I am so ready.

Two posts in one day. Wow.

There are several reasons I am up right now. My goal is to finish the shredding tonight and I have about thirty more minutes of letting the shredder rest from being over heated. I only have a small stack left to do that will take about five minutes. I deep cleaned my bathroom earlier and am waiting for my Swiffer-type mop's cleaning pad to come out of the dryer so I can mop the bathroom and our bedroom. I am determined to finish it tonight. I am also going to wash all of the towels tonight but will go to bed once they are in the dryer. It's also tough to sleep because not only am I thinking about our birthmother and Caroline constantly, but my darling husband is away again tonight. Yesterday we felt that it would be best if he spent the night at my parents house while all of this ice mess is going on. He works in/for the same county that they live in and it's much closer and easier to get to his work from their house...especially with ice on the ground. I am so thankful for his job, though, and I know I need to get used to him not being here every night. I am so incredibly thankful for his job.

Tomorrow we have the option (again) of going in to work. I am going to evaluate (yet again) the streets in my neighborhood...especially the main street where there is a hill I have to go down in order to get out. This evening someone came over to buy our kayaks and when he left our driveway his van was sliding backwards. I could hardly watch because I was afraid he was going to crash but thankfully he was able to find a spot to get some traction and then went on his merry way. It was bittersweet parting with the kayaks but I do not even have an ounce of regret from selling them. We know that with a newborn, we will not be able to use them this summer. Heck, we won't be able to use them for about ten years. That's okay, though...it is so worth it! I don't know why but I am amazed at how fast our kayaks sold. Kyle posted the ad for them on Sunday afternoon and by Sunday night we had three offers on them. Due to the weather the guy who first made us an offer that we accepted was not able to come until today (I'm kind of surprised he even came today). Ever since Sunday, we've had about four offers per day.

Yesterday I shoveled snow with a layer of ice on top of it. It took a little over an hour but I did our entire driveway (there are some ice patches from where I missed) and then made a tiny pathway on the sideway leading from our front patio to the driveway. I have a new found respect for northerners who don't think twice about shoveling snow from their driveways. It's a tough task and my back is really feeling it. It was fun, though, and it gave me a good work out. I think I shall treat myself in the morning by streaming a Lifetime movie from our computer. It's funny because right before we got rid of our television subscription I didn't know how I would make it through each evening. I love tv. I love my tv shows. I get into my tv shows and feel like I have a bond with the characters. I know their stories and I memorize the story lines. You know what? Not having a tv subscription has not been bad at all. I have been busier with house hold chores since we cancelled our service. For a few weeks I was going to bed earlier but now, with the upcoming arrival of our daughter, it's hard for me to go to sleep/get some sleep since that is all I think about. When the weather is a little warmer it will be nice because I will be able to go walking in our neighborhood and get some exercise in the evenings without feeling like I have to rush back for my tv shows. I will take Caroline in her stroller as long as it's warm enough (and thanks to my cousin I have this really cool thing to put over her carseat in the stroller that will help keep her warm). Kyle did buy connector cables so that we can hook up our computer to our tv so we can stream tv shows or movies to our tv (so what if we have to wait a few days to watch a show? Wow, I guess I really have changed.). We are also trying out a free one month trial of Netflix. So far I like it. I've discovered the show Big Love. I'm sure eventually we will re-subscribe to a tv service. Just right now we know we won't have much time for tv and we are trying to find little ways to save (hey, an extra $70 a month is pretty good). We didn't need to cancel our service but we figured why not. We can always get it back whenever we want. We just know with a newborn we won't have much time to watch tv. Plus, I was watching way too much of it when we had it.

Okay, time to go finish the shredding. Sorry - I know this post is very scattered.

So far, I've had every day off of work this week due to a big snow storm (that has turned to ice). Tomorrow is optional so I will try to go in around noon or so if the streets in my neighborhood are cleared up. It's been nice to have three days in a row off. Kyle had Monday and Tuesday off so we just spent time together and cleaned out the closet in the nursery. We've cleaned random things in our house that I've never even considered cleaning before. We've shredded hundreds of old documents that have been sitting in our file cabinets for years that we don't really need. Actually, I'm still shredding. I've washed the bottles that we will be taking with us to Florida. I've actually washed them a few times. I washed them, ran them through the dishwasher, boiled them for sterilization, and washed them again. I took my time drying every inch of them and then placed them neatly in the borrowed diaper bag. I've reorganized the diaper bag a few times. I've packed preemie clothes and newborn clothes since I don't know what size Caroline will be. I'm ready. We are ready.

I cannot wait to meet our birthmom face-to-face. I can't wait to meet our daughter. I know I will be so emotional. Emotions already run high with births...then add an adoption on top of that where the emotions are even greater...and then add me into the mix who can be very emotional...it will be interesting. I'm so ready to smile down at my daughter and look into her eyes. I'm ready do hold her and tell her that I loved her even before I even learned of her. I'm ready to tell her she is the miracle that God brought to our lives and that God had planned all along for her to be a part of our family. I'm ready to bring her home and watch her sleep. I cannot wait to see her smile.

Okay, I could keep going on and on but I am starting to sound really sappy.

I spoke to our birthmother yesterday and I really enjoyed talking with her. I was nervous before the phone call...my hands were shaky and I just couldn't think straight. I would almost compare waiting on the call to waiting on a first date to pick you up. You wonder if they are going to like you. You hope that you do not say anything wrong. You wonder what pitch you should make your voice or that you don't speak in a weird octave (and believe me, I was talking out loud to myself trying to decide if I should talk in my regular low voice or my regular high voice).

I really, really enjoyed our conversation. Her social worker was there (I was on speaker phone) so she could help transition the conversation if it got awkward.

Less than three weeks and my heart is complete. Less than three weeks and I will truly have something - someone - in front of my to cry tears of joy about (I already cry tears of joy...it's just once she is in my arms it will be that much more real). I almost feel like in a weird way, I am going through the last stretch of a pregnancy. In a way I guess I am...it's just a little different. I'm not carrying Caroline under my heart - I am carrying her inside of my heart. I am still remaining just a tad bit guarded just in case but I have let a little bit of the guard down. I also find myself randomly tearing up even if I'm not doing anything. I also just break out into random sobs of joy if I am by myself. Weird, I know. I believe I've also started "nesting", which is right before a woman gives birth and she starts cleaning and getting everything ready. I like to think that, for the most part, I keep my house in order and clean. It's a little crazy right now with boxes here and there and bags from baby stores laying around just waiting for the merchandise inside of them to be used. Today I have started to unpack the bags and throw away empty boxes. I was actually all set to wash and sterlize the neat bottles that we bought to take with us but once I opened both boxes (one with a special microwave sterilization kit that the lady at Babies R Us convinced my sweet husband that we needed) I realized I don't think I like them that much. It's a neat concept (and no, it's not those expensive Dr. Brown bottles that I have heard don't really work that well) that comes from Britain but it seems really complicated to clean. Oh, and the microwave sterlization, though also a neat concept, is not really needed. The dishwasher can sterilize just as well. I have Caroline's clothes packed and the diaper bag ready to go. Heck, I even have my suitcase ready to go (you never know when a baby is gong to be early). I would love to be in the room when my daughter is born but it will take us exactly nine hours to drive down there so who knows. Right now I really want to go sweep my back patio and my front porch but it's a little useless due to the strong wind today. I have also thought about rearranging my living room furniture but I don't think that's possible...it's set up a way that makes the most sense.

I don't know how often I will update over the next few weeks but I would like to ask for prayers, please. Prayers for the birthmother and prayers for Caroline. Thank you!

I am so excited!

I've been saying that quite a bit lately and I am not even going to apologize if I start overusing that sentence. I just am so excited and am so eager!

We've had to go ahead and purchase some of the big items for Caroline already. This past weekend we purchased a travel system stroller (stroller with a car seat and base), a bunch of special bottles along with a microwave sterilization kit (since we will be living out of a hotel for five days to two weeks), diapers, wipes, bath items, etc. I've also bought little odds and ends on clearance such as pacifiers and a car seat head and neck rest since our baby will be riding in the car for about nine hours while we bring her home. My sister has let me borrow one of her diaper bags to use while I am in Florida so that was nice. Tonight my sister helped us put the carseat base in the car along with the carseat (the carseat is a piece of cake...it was the base that tripped me up!). I was going to go ahead and put the stroller together but after we assembled most of it we realized a part was missing and one of the wheels does not work correctly so we will be taking it back to the store this week and exchanging it for the same one. After I talk to Caroline's birthmother later this week I will hopefully have a better idea about what what size clothes to pack. I'm going to guess that I need mostly preemie size but I could be wrong. I may take some preemie and newborn size just to be on the safe side.

We are so fortunate because my beautiful niece, who just turned two years old yesterday, was born in January and so my sister saved most of her clothes in case I had a daughter born around the same time. That was very smart thinking of my sister (actually, my mom made her save it all)! We are all set for the most part clothes-wise in case Caroline is a preemie...which we are so blessed to have all of those preemie clothes passed down from my niece since preemie clothes are very expensive. We are actually all set with pretty much every size of clothing for our little girl. We have tons of newborn clothes, not to mention 3-6 months, etc. I received some adorable and beautiful onesies this past weekend and I cannot wait to dress Caroline in them.

I keep thinking about and imagining the day of birth of our daughter. I know I won't have to imagine it for much longer. I have been doing a pretty good job of keeping my emotions in check in front of everyone but I will tell you that I almost cried at church this past Sunday. Remember me writing about how Christmas music made me emotional? It's definitely the same if not more with worship songs. I am so thankful that my God has a plan for me...a plan much greater than any plan or idea I could ever come up with. The gift and whole experience and process of adoption is just so powerful and true of God's promises to us in the Bible. God also tells us to adopt in the Bible and I really love that. I hope we can be a witness to our birthmom and show her the lovingness of Jesus Christ. We will forever be connected to this courageous woman and I cannot even begin to fathom what her thoughts may be or what she is experiencing. I am so just so grateful that, by the grace of God, she has chosen us to be the parents of Caroline. This baby girl already has such a huge place in our hearts and lives. She's all I think about and I feel confident when I say that we are prepared for her.

I cannot wait to sing to her and one day sing with her.