This Time

In two days we will go to an orientation/informational meeting at an adoption agency. I am looking forward to hearing what they have to say but I just don't think we are going to go with them. Who knows, though. What I'm REALLY looking forward to is next Monday.

After talking with the sweet lady who adopted from a local women's resource center, I emailed the Executive Director at the center. She actually emailed me back this weekend and gave me her cell phone number. Yesterday I called her cell phone and left a message, not really expecting a call back anytime soon. A few hours she called me back! She told me she would love to talk with me and said that she is extremely busy but could work something out. At first she said she could do a meeting over the phone if we needed to but really wanted to meet me in person. I told her no problem. She said she would love to meet me for lunch at Chick-fil-A so I agreed (I would much rather meet at her office because I think there is gong to be much awkwardness on my part at a lunch meeting but I will take it!). I am extremely nervous and excited at the same time. Ya'll know me - I'm not a huge talker. With my previous job I did have to talk for a living which was no problem because I was talking about the place I worked (and still work) for. When it comes to talking about myself I am not so good at that. I always prefer to listen to people rather than talk, so this should be interesting. I really feel good about this and I wish Monday would hurry up and get here. I do know that whether we choose to go with the agency or this women's resource center, we need to get a home study started. The hold up has been this agency meeting. If we choose to pursue the agency adoption process then we will get a homestudy done through the agency's social workers. If we choose to go through the resource center we will use social workers from the county. I have a feeling we will be going with the resource center but who knows what will happen. God knows, I know that much. I know this is all part of His amazing plan for our life (I debated whether or not to write "life" or "lives" because technically it should be "our lives" but since Kyle and I share a life together I decided to write life).

Looking back at to where I was this time last year I have seen such a drastic change in myself. While a huge part of me died last year when I lost the baby and I have changed since losing the baby, I feel like I am slowly starting to have a new piece of my heart grow where the old piece died. It's really hard to explain. I think about how I've changed constantly. This time last year marked a little over two months since I lost the baby and I felt like there was no hope for my husband and me to be parents. This time last year I would go home every evening and cry my eyes out. This time last year I was mad at the world. I am so thankful not to be in the place where I was this time last year. I am thankful for the experience (I never thought I would say that) because I know that it has led to on this path to pursue adoption earlier than we anticipated (we always knew we would adopt someday...we just thought it would be when our biological kids were in high school). I know the road to adoption is not an easy road. It can take a long time and can carry disappointment if a failed match were to take place. I do know the outcome is so worth it, though.

Alright, that's all I have to say/write for now. I hope to provide an update after the agency meeting.

My Heart is Smiling

Yesterday I called my boss' friend and left her a voice message. I kind of thought that maybe she wouldn't call me back...

I just got off the phone with her after a twenty-two minute conversation.

This sweet, Christian lady called me back and she was just so caring and nice. I actually had to close my office door because I had silent tears coming out of my eyes - that is how encouraged I felt!

She told me her adoption stories (she has adopted three children) and she told me all about this last adoption that took place less than two weeks ago. It is such an amazing story and it is so evident how God had His hand in this particular adoption.

I was a little nervous when the lady asked me my age since she is eleven years older than me. When I told her she said that she thinks it's so great that I feel led to adopt at my age. She said she considers it a blessing because so many people don't figure out that adoption is right for them until they are much older and that can really hurt them when a birth mother is looking through profiles (sad, but it's true). She said it's great that I want to start the adoption process now in case it does take a few years to complete because I do have time on my side right now. She also mentioned I am more likely to be picked by a birth mother. Not once did she say anything about keeping the hope alive that I will get pregnant someday. She really understands.

I am going to make our adoption profile. I know it can take many, many weeks to make but I want to start making it this weekend. She is actually emailing me a copy of hers so I can see it and along with it she is emailing me a picture of her brand new bundle of joy. I thought that was really sweet! Once I finish our adoption profile I will distribute it to different resource centers and if I get brave I will distribute it to different doctors offices. I'll probably make about 75 copies.

Oh man, I just feel so much emotion right after speaking with her. I am so thankful that God allowed my friend to connect me to her because I think this was just the type of encouragement I needed.

Moved

I found the coolest quote the other day.

"Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real
parent, who is all my own.--- Rita Laws, PhD"

I love this and just wanted to share that with everyone!


In exactly three weeks my husband and I go to the free orientation/seminar for the adoption agency we are considering. I am really looking forward to it because hopefully, after returning home from the meeting, we will be able to have some clarity on which direction we should go with who to use.

Once we start the adoption process (whenever that might be), I am thinking about truly making this blog public (as in, putting on a social networking site the link to this). I enjoyed this blog being private last year when I wrote this for myself. I've also enjoyed sharing the link with a few people because I feel that my friends and family are better able to understand me now. When we start the actual process as in signing up with an agency, a consultant, whoever/whatever, then I may post this link on my website.

I just made my status on a social networking site (FB) about how if anyone knows of a girl or young woman who is pregnant but is not ready to raise a child and wants to give her baby to a loving couple, then please tell her about me and my husband. This will probably be the last time I make my status as this but I know that it could only help to get the word out there. Funny enough, a family friend (a.k.a my parents real estate agent who has become their friend over the years before she was even their real estate agent) who is very well-respected in the area she lives in sent me a message right away and asked me if she could re-post as her status so all of her family and friends can see. I was very touched. She told me about a family member of hers who is adopted and how she thinks its the greatest thing. I was very humbled that someone would do this for me (okay, please don't think I'm trying to hint that I want ya'll to do post this for me...because honestly, that would make me feel weird). This family friend has already posted it and just sent me a message saying she posted it and sent it to about 1,100 people! Like I said, she's very well respected!). I'm not good at letting people help me out like that. I feel a little odd yet moved and I wish there was some way I can help her out (hey, if any of you are looking to buy a house in the area and need a real estate agent, let me know! I know a great one!).

Another friend from college just sent me a private message. She is one of 24 adopted children and told me that her mom is obviously very well plugged into some adoption agencies in this state. She is going to talk to her mom and see if she can either get me some names of some agencies or plug me into any.

This is actually kind of emotional for me right now that people I don't really see or talk to are reaching out. Strange things are happening to me today. All day today I kept thinking how I just want to be a mom. I don't care what my child looks like (as in, I really don't care. I don't care if they are the color of our new car or if they are the color of a sunset).

By the way, we traded in Kyle's beloved, beautiful truck for a more family friendly and gas mileage friendly "crossover" vehicle this past weekend.

Okay, my post is getting to be really jumbled as usual.

To Use or Not to Use (the Consultant)? That is the Question.

So through the online adoption message board, I found two different people who have used the adoption consultant in Atlanta that I have written about. I asked if the consultant place is really legit when they say that most people come home with a newborn within 3-12 months. They both verified that this is completely legit. In fact, one of them came home with a baby two weeks after signing up with them and the other came home with a baby a month after signing up with them. Crazy, huh?

I watched the dvd that the consultant place sent me and for the most part I liked what I saw. It was kind of weird because the owner kept saying throughout the whole seminar, "If you do exactly as we say and follow all of our instructions you will have a baby in less than a year." I'm not really sure what the whole "do as we say" means but the thought of having a baby in less than a year is really tempting. The thought at becoming a mother in less than a year is super tempting. I could always talk to the consultant place and tell them that our budget is not $35,000 and see what they can do for me. It all sounds so odd yet so exciting. Kyle is actually starting to scope out Craigs List for a crib, etc. I'm not saying that we are definitely going with the consultant but it is on our minds for sure. We are still going to see what Bethany has to say during their free meeting.

I am so stressed and worried about this that my face has broken out (I'm sure you really wanted to know that). Also, just when I thought my family understood everything (don't get me wrong, they are still supportive and excited), my mom and younger sister both asked me if the doctor flat out told me I couldn't have children. Well, no. He did not. He told me there is no reason I should not be pregnant again by now and he also told me he thinks I will be able to get pregnant again. Well, it's been over a year. The loss of a baby and remaining infertile really does something to you. I met with a reproductive specialist back in the spring and both Kyle and I know that is not for us. I know I shouldn't take offense to little comments or questions but unfortunately I do...in fact, I'm really good at doing that.

It Will Be Okay

I'm feeling much more positive than I was yesterday. I realize we do not have to use an adoption consultant...especially one that tells me that I will need to increase my budget to $35,000 in order to receive a baby in 3-12 months. While I know having a lot of money helps with adoption, to me it almost sounds like baby-brokering. I am still waiting to hear back from the consultant to hear how much my budget will need to be if I use them for a bi-racial adoption. I'm also looking into an adoption agency that is based out of Texas but has an office in North Carolina. Maybe the Bethany agency will work out. Who knows. I am going to continue to explore all of my options.

When I got home from work yesterday my husband could tell I was pretty down about everything. He told me that it will be okay and that we are not going to let money stop us. He figures if we go with a reasonably priced agency than it will all be okay. He also reinforced that if we do not get a baby right away then we shouldn't sweat it...it just gives us more time to save. I talked to my mom this morning and told her a little about the consultant group. She told me that she feels that no matter what agency, consultant, whatever we use she feels that God will give us a baby someway, somehow sooner rather than later. She also said she still believes we will have a biological baby of our own.

While I appreciate the encouragement and while that would be wonderful, I am really excited to start the adoption process. I also don't like to think that maybe one day we will have a biological child because I've already come to the place where I am okay with everything and I feel it unncessary to revel with that idea.

By the way, I like to periodically change the music from time to time based on how I feel. The former song on there was Song to Sing from my favorite band. Even if you don't like Hanson I would be pretty surprised if you said you didn't think the song was pretty. It's so beautiful (and it's a really old song from them, too). The new song I have is Michael Buble's Haven't Met You Yet. It's how I feel about my future baby...I know I will one day be a parent and it's so exciting because I know a baby is out there for me...I just haven't met him or her yet!

Void

There is not really anything new to write about so that is why I've been slacking on the blog posts. We are still set to attend at orientation meeting with an adoption agency at the very end of this month (I wish it was sooner). I'm a little frustrated because I have heard that since this is the largest adoption agency in the United States, right now there is a waiting list to be put on the waiting list. But, who knows. I just heard that from an adoption message board I have started to frequent. Maybe that person was wrong.

I did find an adoption consultant right in Atlanta that we are looking into. I was so confused about adoption consultants and what exactly they do. They network with agencies, attorneys and birth moms and so you are paying them plus an agency. It's really tempting to use them because the one not too far away from us claims that most couples have a match with a newborn within 3-12 months...which is amazing. I do know this place is legitimate because I've read multiple reviews from women on this adoption message board that have used them. I was all excited because honestly I was willing to pay the extra money (less than $3,000) to use their services if it meant we would have a baby sooner rather than later. I filled out a "preference" form and a "getting to know you" form and I am so bummed after I got an email back from them. The lady who emailed me was super nice (both ladies I have contact at this place are so nice) and invited me to a free seminar in a couple of weeks (I can't go to it because I have to work at a late meeting that night...however, they will send me a dvd on the seminar). She told me the only concern they have with me and my husband is our adoption budget. She asked if we would be willing to up our budget to a minimum of $30,000...preferably $35,000. Umm, NO. I know you cannot put a price on a child and fulfilling the dream of having a child but I'm sorry, we really cannot do that. I guess now I understand why they can almost guarantee you will have a newborn within 3-12 months...the more money you have the easier it is. On their website they did say don't get discouraged if you don't have that big of a budget because there are grants, loans, scholarships, etc. Well, I'm extrememly discouraged. It just does not seem fair. I refuse to take out a home equity loan or whatever it's called. No way, no how. The scholarships and grants sound great (and believe me, I will be applying for scholarships and grants once a home study is completed) but from what information I have gathered, the scholarships and grants are not a lot of money.

While I feel very strongly that God has told us that now is the time for us to be parents (I fully believe that with my whole heart), I guess the devil is telling me that maybe we won't ever be parents. Maybe, instead of saving for an adoption, we should just take the money and to go Alaska, Boston and wherever else we want to go next year...and, you know, be that couple who are childless and can travel whenever and wherever. Or spend money on new furniture or re-do our side yard or the back retaining wall. Or just take random weekend trips whenever we want. While all of that sounds fun, I know it would not fill the void in our hearts.

I know He will provide...but honestly that is easier to say than to really grasp sometimes. I'm also wondering if we should put our own selfish desires on the back burner and be willing to adopt a child who will obviously not look like either one of us or anyone in our family in the least bit (the adoption consultant told us that the only type of child with our budget that we would be able to adopt would be a certain type of child...a child that is fully of an obvious, different race). Not that I care if they look like our family because sometimes even adoption children who are the same race as you don't look like their adoptive parents (though, in most cases I've seen the adopted children look exactly like their adoptive parents...I think God is just cool like that!), but I know it will be extremely hard for a child who is of a completely different race than us. Even though it is 2010, I know the child will still get questions from classmates in school about the difference in skin color and looks. I wouldn't mind adopting a child like that if we were older and had kids in high school. I don't know. I honestly feel like I am not being racist but maybe I do have my priorities mixed up.

Okay, now I'm just rambling.