Sweet Caroline

I am so excited.

I'm sure anyone could have guessed the above statement but I just had to say it. My mind has been whirling these past few days about our birthmother and our soon-to-be daughter. I am constantly thinking about what I will need to bring with me to Florida and getting a hotel room and just everything.

I just got off the phone with our birthmom's social worker and I will be doing a conference call with the two of them a week from today! I am really nervous and excited about that. Ya'll know that I can be rather shy at times and I'm not that great of a phone talker...or a talker in general. I do think that once I start speaking with the birthmother I will be more at ease...after all, this precious woman is giving us the most precious gift we could ever receive from another human being and I know I will forever be grateful to her and will forever love her for that.

If all goes accordingly (as in, she signs the papers and if the baby girl is born on her due date) it looks as if we will become parents in exactly four weeks!

Thirty minutes to the exact minute after I posted this afternoon's post asking for prayers my prayer was answered. No joke. My prayer was answered. Our prayer was answered. I'm still blown away and shaking.

In three and a half short weeks Kyle and I will become parents to a daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Though it's not quite January, we have officially gone active (much to our surprise) with the sweet consultant and could not be more thrilled.

I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping busy this past week but most of the time it's all I can think about and I constantly find myself smiling. It's also hard not to be fearful about the possibility of rejection. Please pray for us as we await some news.

While I was on a wonderful Disney vacation last week I found out that we are now officially home study approved! I am so excited. January is only a couple of weeks away and it can not get here sooner.

I cry tears of happiness every time I think that being a parent is very close within my reach now. I get so excited and so emotional just thinking about it. I've always been an emotional person but lately every single thing brings tears to my eyes just because I am so happy. Christmas music brings such joy to me and makes me a little emotional which is such a big improvement from this time last year. This time last year I could barely listen to Christmas music without having tears of sadness.

Congratulations, You've Been Rejected!

No one likes rejection; however, it never hurts to be humbled.

This week, Kyle and I experienced the feeling of adoption rejection. Earlier this week we learned that our adoption profile book was shown to a young birth mother within the past week or two. Although she really liked our profile and had fun looking at our book, she decided she wanted a family who already had a child so her baby could have a sibling.

I am really excited and encouraged that our profile was shown but at the same time I was really bummed for a day or two. Before I knew why she didn't pick us, I kept wondering what was wrong with me. I kept thinking about all the weight I still need to lose. I kept thinking about how one of my eyes always looks like it's winking whenever I smile. I kept thinking that maybe we look too young. I kep thtinking a lot of things. The sweet lady who showed them the book called me and explained why she didn't pick us and I felt much better. I guess it never hurts to be humbled!

Kyle and I just recently started a class on discovering adoption. We had our first class earlier in the week and I can tell we are going to like it. It will be good for us to be able to sit face to face with 3 other couples and just learn together and get to talk together about what we are all going through.

Unbelievable

Last Saturday I had my individual interview with our social worker. I met her at a tea room and I have to say I really enjoyed having lunch with her. It's so easy to talk to her and after we finished my interview questions(which was nothing to sweat!), we just sat and talked. She and her husband adopted their three year old son when he was a newborn and they are in the process of adopting a soon-to-be-born little girl. It was nice just talking with her and being able to ask her questions about adoption laws and about her experience(s) with adoption. Kyle's interview is this Friday at her office and he is pretty nervous though he has nothing to worry about.

Some people just don't get it. I am understanding of the fact that the majority of people (who have not researched adoption) don't really understand how harsh their words can come out. I do understand because adoption can be really overwhelming to read about and even understand. I get that. What I don't get is how some people just don't think about the words they are saying. When I say I no longer sit and cry and think about my miscarriage I mean that...I know it happened for a reason and I am so thankful I am at the point where I can say it with a smile on my face. So when people say ignorant comments (sometimes I wonder if it's really fair of me to use the word ignorant), while it does not bother me inside of my heart and make me sad, it makes me annoyed with them that they would be so insensitive.

I won't go into great detail on here about how rude and insensitive some people are but I will say this. Adoption is more than just a thing...it's more than just "the adoption thing". Also, please never tell me that I have the right idea about doing the adoption thing because I will never have to get pregnancy stretch marks. I could go on and on but I think I better stop right here. It just boggles my mind at the things some people say. Also, know that I am not envious of pregnant people and I probably won't think you're being funny or cute when you tell me that I shouldn't be envious of you and in fact you are the one who is envious of me because I won't have stretch marks or because I don't have to wait around 9 months to birth a baby. Also, it's really hurtful when people use the terms "real" child and "natural" child. An adopted child is very real and is very natural. Okay, I'm done. I am going to stop now.

Sorry. I just really had to get that out.

On a positive note I just have to say I am extremely excited for January to come. January is when we go active with the consultant. It really warms my heart to know that my husband is just as excited as I am. The other day he asked me if it is normal for people to have a party when they bring their son or daughter home. I told him it's definitely not unheard of. He said he wants to get a couple of chicken nugget trays and have our family members over for an adoption celebration party.

What's In A Name?

I haven't had any time to write lately nor have I really had much to write about. I'm still so incredibly excited about going active with our consultant in January! Kyle and I each have our individual interviews set up with the social worker - mine is this Saturday and his is next Friday. Yesterday I finished up my medical examination and Kyle is getting his done next week.

Names have been a hot topic at our house and among our family lately. Since we are going active with the consultant in two months and we could get matched with a birth mother anywhere from two weeks to a few months after that we have decided to go ahead and pick out names. I know some people are funny about sharing names with people or try to make people guess up until the day the baby is born but I will list the names that top our list.

Girl: Caroline Ann or Penelope ("Penny") Carol.
Boy: Patrick Thomas, Isaiah Thomas, Charlie Thomas or Isaac Thomas. We are probably go with Patrick if we find out we are having a son.

Let me explain. To me, names really mean something. I know I do not have to name a child after every single amazing person in our families but I am very adament about naming our children after my parents. My parents provided the best life they could for me and continue to be such amazing examples of the Lord and even though I could never repay them for being the amazing parents they have been to me, I feel like I can honor them with naming my first daughter and my first son after them. My mom's name is Carol and so Kyle and I agreed on the name Caroline (even though my mom's name is just Carol and not Caroline I feel like it's still honoring her). Ann, the middle name, is after my Grandmother, Mary Ann. My Grandmother was such a fantastic woman of God and I was so very close to her. I miss her so much and I need to stop writing about her before I start crying. Anyways, that is how we came up with Caroline Ann. Another name we love is Penelope and calling her Penny for short. Yes, I am serious. Everyone laughs whenever we say Penelope but we just really like the name and we especially love the name Penny. I will have to go into great detail about the name Penny during some other post but I will tell you it has to do with one of my favorite songs by my favorite band. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that if we have a daughter, a stipulation I have on the name is that she has to have a name that is in a song so I can sing to her a song with her name in it. Caroline has "Sweet Caroline" and actually last night at a concert I realized that a song off of my favorite band's new cd has the name Caroline in it (I'm not even joking when I said I just realized it) and Penny and Me is one of my favorite songs by my favorite band. The middle name for Penelope is Carol. Again, that is my mom's name so if we go with the name Penelope (remember, Penny for short), her middle name will be Carol to honor my mom.

Molly, Faith, Grace and Anna were in on the top 6 of our list (oh, the name Chloe was Kyle's third choice but I couldn't agree to that) but we have decided not to go with those. I probably even shouldn't put this in writing or mention it but I also kind of liked the name Miley. No, not because of Miley Cyrus. Miley is kind of a mixture of our names and I thought it sounded cute. That was nixed really quickly by Kyle. I also really liked Georgia. So, Caroline or Penelope (Penny) are the top 2.

We had a hard time agreeing on boy names. It seemed like all of the boys names I liked Kyle didn't. Finally we agreed on the ones listed above. We have always liked Patrick but we almost didn't put it on our list at first because we don't want people calling our son Pat. We realize that people may call him this as he gets older and if that's what our son wants that is fine but as long as we have a say he will go by Patrick. I just found out yesterday that Patrick is a family name on my mom's side. Thomas will be the middle name no matter what the first name is because Thomas is my dad's name. I have always liked the name Charlie and Kyle likes it, too. Isaiah and Isaac are nice strong names so we like those, too.

When we first started tossing around ideas for boys names I really liked Austin, Simon, Shepherd, Nickolas ("Nick"), Zachary ("Zac"), Jonah and Luke. I've gotten more than a few laughs out of the names Simon and Shepherd but that's okay. I'm no longer interested in those names and even if I was that would be okay. I really liked the name Milo for some reason but Kyle does not like it at all.

Our adoption consultant received our documents and check today and I could not be more thrilled (usually when I part with money I get a bad case of Buyers Remorse...it doesn't matter if it's for clothing, food, cleaning supplies...just whatever. I've always been that way, even when I was younger.). While I am parting with a good bit of money (well, a good bit of money for me and Kyle), I have such a feeling of jubilee. The consultant called me today to let me know she received it. She also said she looked over our adoption profile book and told me it was so adorable. She told me that my husband and I are such a cute couple and she really thinks it will show well. If we don't get any "bites" on it, she will make our profile but hopefully it does show very well since it will be extra money for her to make us one (but completely worth the money). We will go "active" with her in January since our homestudy should be finished right about then. I hope our home study is completed in the middle of December. Everytime I talk with our consultant I feel such a joy and peace in my heart.

The lady from the resource center emailed me today to let me know that she received our adoption profile book (hey, it never hurts to network!). It's been about a month since our meeting and I kind of thought she would forget about me but she emailed me this evening and told me she received our book and that it is beautlful (her words, not mine!). That made me feel really good.

The other evening I went to a hospital to visit someone who was going to have a baby. I went up to the maternity wing of the hospital and on the way to her room (she had not yet had her baby), I took a wrong turn and landed on the hall that had the baby nursery...the one that I've seen in plenty of movies and television shows. The one I have had dreams about myself. You know, it's the one that has the large, clear window that has newborns inside.

I slowly walked past it a couple of times (I honestly was lost...I should have gone straight after getting off the elevator but I turned instead) and just looked inside. A really strange feeling came over me and tears came to my eyes. No, I wasn't sad or grieving. It was such a happy feeling. I was so happy because I know that within the next few months that I will be back at a hopsital looking through that window at my son or daughter and I cannot wait for that day to come. I get so excited just thinking about it and then seeing those babies the other night just made me that much more happy. I keep wondering what my son our daughter is going to look like and even though he or she will more than likely look nothing like us, I don't care. I don't care what our baby looks like because I know he/she will be absolutely beautiful. All things from God are beautiful and perfect and that is how our baby will be.

By the way, I updated my song list on the blog. I still have the ever-so-appropriate "Just Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble. I also added "Our God" by Chris Tomlin. Our church sings this from time to time and I usually have it on repeat on my ipod. It's such a great song describing our God and how truly magnificent He is. I love it when they talk about Him being the Healer. It's so very, very true. This song just makes my day whenever I hear it! I would have to say it is my favorite worship song right now.

All morning and afternoon yesterday I was as cool as a cucumber - I wasn't nervous at all for our home study like I thought I would be and I was just so ready to meet our social worker.

About 45 minutes before the social worker arrived, I started to become a nervous wreck. Our house was clean and I had cookies baking in the oven but I was still paranoid that something would be out of place or we would have missed cleaning a spot. I also started to panic thinking maybe she wouldn't like us. It kind of reminds me of how I was on our wedding day. I was playing it cool all day and feeling great, but then as my bridesmaids were walking in and I was still "concealed" in a different room, I started to panic (I wasn't in a panic about marrying Kyle...I was in a panic about having to walk in front of everyone and all eyes being on me). I started to psych myself out so badly that I was feeling like I was going to faint (fainting is not all that uncommon for me so I know the feeling very well). That's how I started to feel yesterday. As soon as I opened the door I could tell that I really had nothing to worry about, even though I was probably nervous for the first 30 minutes of our visit. It went great, though, and it was almost as if we were just chatting with an old friend. I have found a little humor in the fact that we were so worried about everything being so clean and in its perfect place but the actual walk-through inspection lasted less than a two minutes.

The next step is for us to do invididual interviews with the social worker. I'm looking forward to that but I know Kyle is a little nervous about that one because he doesn't really like to talk to people he's not all that familiar with. I know he will do great, though. I should know in the next couple of days when our individual interviews are. Tomorrow is going to be a big day for us because tomorrow we will send in the contract, etc. to the consultant. I know it's just a simple act of mailing something but this simple act is going to change our lives. This is going to allow us to fulfill our passion and purpose of being parents. Yes, we have to wait until January to become active with the consultant because that's when her new round starts but just knowing we have a place with her starting in January is just so thrilling!

I've had a little writer's block lately and I honestly don't enjoy writing as much as I used to. The purpose of this blog was for a form of self therapy for me. I haven't needed that self therapy for a few months now and it's just getting harder to write. When it comes to writing, I've always been best at it when I have strong feelings of sadness going on in my life. When I was in high school I was able to produce poems one after the other. Losing a child last year brought back some of the writing (I would say writing skills but I don't write nearly as well as I used to). I never thought I would say this...let me preface what I am going to say by saying that I would never wish upon anyone that they experience the loss of a child. It's horrible. It consumes you. It makes you feel like a complete failure. It makes you feel desperate. It makes you feel like there will never be a sunny day again. It makes you skeptical and cynical. It makes you dislike people. Okay, so what I am going to say is that I am glad that I went through that experience. I am glad Kyle and I went through that experience together. If it wasn't for that we would not be pursuing adoption so early (well, 3 years is not exactly newlywed status, though) in our marriage. I feel like the reason everything happened last year was so God could open our eyes and say that yes, while we are meant to be parents right now He has a different plan for how we are going to become parents.

Okay, I said I had writers block but now my head is full of ideas.

Our home study was rescheduled twice last week due to the social worker being sick. Tomorrow will be our home visit so we are excited and ready for that.

Last week our adoption profile books came in the mail that I created online. Though they are super cute, they are super small. I am really disappointed with the size of them. I thought I was being smart by ordering 3 of the medium books instead of 2 of the large books for the same price. I believe I outsmarted myself. The so-called "medium" size is tiny...I would really hate to see what the small looks like. Oh well. I sent off one of the books today to the resource center even though I'm still not counting on that to go anywhere. I just wanted them to have it just in case.

On Friday we are going to send in the form and the check to officially sign with the consultant for January! I am so ready for that. We have the nursery ready and I have emailed all of the daycares around my area to ask them how much they will charge for an infant to be in daycare for 1-2 days per week (thank goodness for a husband who has a fantastic work schedule!). So far only one day care (out of about 5 or so) has emailed me back...and I emailed them all two weeks ago. The one that emailed me back is a Christian day care but they, of course, are too expensive. In December I will call day care places and also look into in-home child care places.

Our social worker emailed me this morning and asked if we can reschedule the home visit and move it to Thursday. She is very sick as is the rest of her family. I told her no problem. I was really excited to go ahead and have the home visit tomorrow but this gives us some extra time not to rush and stress and stay up late getting everything perfect.

I also emailed the consultant this morning and told her that we will be moving forward and signing with her so I need to mail in those forms probably next week. I cannot wait!

We have a nursery and it looks so cute (so far). Yesterday Kyle spent 3 hours painting the small room a really nice yellow. Last Thursday our furniture came in and a week ago we purchased the bedding. I love it and have a feeling I will be spending a lot of time in there even before we get matched.

When I was typing my blog entry last week the adoption consultant called me back. Talking with her was just what I needed! She is such a strong woman of faith and I have heard this from multiple people...talking with her just confirmed it. She has 4 adopted children and one biological child...with another biological child on the way. We are definitely going to use her as our adoption consultant and I feel like it's what we are meant to do. She only works with 5 couples/clients at a time and I was very pleased to learn this fact. We are her 4th client to sign up for her January group. This means that, if our home study is complete by January(which I'm sure it will be) we could become parents anywhere from January to April or a little longer. It is so exciting! I am so glad that we decided against the agency. One thing the adoption consultant told me is that her constant prayer for her clients is for God to protect their heart and their finances. I really appreciated that and that has also become a prayer of mine.

Our first home study visit is in 2 days. I think we are going to be nervous but really excited all at the same time. There is so much paper work to fill out with the home study but it is so worth it. There are also so many little tasks to do for the home study...yesterday we had our fingerprints taken for the GBI. I'll probably be running here and there on my lunch break over the next month or two but I will be so glad when it is completed.

We have our first home study visit next Tuesday and I could not feel more joy in my heart.

Okay, so I've been slacking on the blog but it's because I've been busy. We decided not to go with the agency (BCS). We really liked their orientation and thought they did a great job but ever since the orientation I have heard from more people (whether it's people who have adopted children, people who are looking to adopt children, caseworkers from outside home study agencies, etc.) say they would not recommend them. One of the reasons we liked them is because they are very reputable and they are the largest adoption agency in the country. That is also part of the problem...being so large, it can take many years to be matched with a baby/birth mom through them because of how many clients they have. They say the average wait time is 9-12 months but realistically I have heard of more people waiting 1.5 years to 4 years. Also, I've been told by several professional people in the business to really drill BCS about their prices. The price we believe we will pay with them is great and all (well, great as far as adoption agencies go) but I have heard from outside sources that that is where clients get really tripped up...because there ends up being way more fees and those fees are almost "hidden" with how they are presented to the clients. So, for the past couple of weeks I haven't been feeling great about Bethany even though we had all of the paperwork filled out for an independent home study. For the past week I've been communicating via email with a lady who works at a place that strictly does home studies. When I told her that we would not be using her company and using someone else (when I thought we were still going with BCS), she said she understood and that as a parent of an adopted son (and next year she plans to adopt again), she wanted to help me research places when I told her I had hesitations about BCS. She researched a few places for me keeping my budget in mind and recommended a consultant. What's really funny/ironic is that this consultant she recommended has been recommended to me by three different people within the past 2 weeks. I was going to stay away from consultants because they tend to be more expensive (because you get a baby way faster) but this particular consultant is the same price as an agency. I've also been told that she works well with reasonable budgets. I emailed the person at the consultant place and even called her but she has not called me back yet. From my understanding, she's been busy with four (which is a good thing!). I need to quit rambling on...

This week we decided to not use BCS and go with the home study agency where the lady has been helping me research places and giving me advice. To me this says a lot about what kind of person she is and what kind of people work at this place. She said she doesn't mind helping out adoptive parents because she is one herself and knows how it is. Anyways, I mailed off our home study application/fee yesterday at 4 p.m. Today, arond 11:40 a.m. I received a call from her (she is so sweet!) and she was very surprised but happy to get our application. We talked for a while and we have our first home study visit next Tuesday! She will be coming to our house to do the visit which will include an inspection and an interview and the visit will last around an hour. I asked her if we could come out to her office for the other two visits since it would be easier on her and she said that would be great but that she didn't mind coming to our house, either. We decided in the end that Kyle and I would come to her office for the last two visits (the home study is three visits total). I am so excited! We are still networking and we are going to be sending our adoption profile book (it looks so good!)

::::The adoption consultant just called me so I will update more later!!

Update

Alrighty, time for an update.

Over the weekend, I actually talked to a lady I didn't know. My boss connected me with her (again, I'm really thankful to her and for her!)and after emailing this lady last week she gave me her number and told me to call her. This lady teaches a teen sunday school class and a lot of teen girls in her class wind up pregnant (this town has a very high rate of teen pregnancy). She knows of a current situation right now where a high school senior is pregnant with a baby girl and is due in a couple of months. The birth father is out of the picture and her parents are not going to support her. The lady told me that at first she was all for adopting but now, ever since her mom said she will not be supporting her, she is wanting to raise the baby herself now in a way to rebel against her mom. This young girl keeps going back and forth with her decision. I have a feeling she will probably keep the baby. Anyways, this sunday school teacher is going to keep me in her mind if the girl (who talks to her sunday school teacher often about her situation) decides adoption is the way to go for her.

Today I met with the executive director at a local women's resource center. It was an odd sort of meeting but very neat at the same time. I was really comfortable with her and she is such a sweet Christian lady. I feel like I kind of got a mixed response from her but I think that is because legally she can't say, "Oh, we will have a baby for you at the center so go with us." She encouraged with me to possibly pursue an agency but at the same time she said I need to make an adoption profile as soon as possible and drop it off at the center to her. I kind of felt like I god "mixed signals" from her but like I said, it's probably because it's a resource center and they are not there to adopt babies out. This one in particular helps with that (they do maybe one adoption per year) but I think they really like to see the young women try to parent the children themselves. Who knows. All I know is I am going to be making an adoption profile this week and dropping it off at the center. I'm also going to be submitting paper work at an agency to start a home study. I debated whether or not to do it through the agency...I was going to do it through a place that strictly does homestudies and they do them pretty quickly...but if we do decide later on to go through the agency then you actually have to have a home study done through them...so I would have to pay for a whole different home study if I didn't do a home study with them right away. Okay, I know that probably made no sense whatsoever.

In case an independent adoption works out for us (which, I pray it does), we want to be ready. Plus, I feel like we need a nursery ready for a home study (you have to show that you have a place for the baby to sleep). Kyle picked up some paint swatches today from Home Depot and tonight we will be deciding which color to go with. We are also going to be deciding on a crib/furniture this weekend. I know to the general public (meaning, people who are not familiar with adoption) it might seem like we are getting ahead of ourselves with this whole nursery business, but with an adoption you really do have to be ready at a moment's notice in some cases. You always need to be prepared. I don't know if we are going to get a baby in two months or two years but whenever we do we will be ready.

My parents are really excited about us starting the adoption journey. It makes me feel good that they ask me questions constantly. I think after I talked to my mom about it this past weekend she could really see into my heart and see it in my eyes how serious and passionate we are about adoption. After she asked me again if the doctor has said if I will never have children (no, he has not ever said that!) I politely explained that while he never said that, he said there is no reason I shouldn't already be pregnant. I told her while there is a chance I could always get pregnant, I don't even think about that anymore. I can say that with an honest heart. I don't think about getting pregnant or being pregnant. I think about adopting. I know in my heart this is the right way to go. I am so excited and so anxious to start all of this.

I am just really kind of nervous about the adoption profile. I've seen some examples of adoption profiles and the resource lady actually gave me some suggestions today. I guess I am just afraid that my pictures aren't good enough and the words I write will not be sufficient enough.

Agency Orientation

Last night we went to the group orientation meeting at the agency we are considering. I will update you all on that but first I would like to give a "shout out".

Thank you to my very sweet cousin, Kristin, for sending me an awesome book on adoption and discovering your child's life story called Before You Were Mine. It was such a nice surprise when I opened my mailbox earlier in the week. Though I have just started reading the book, I can already tell it is going to be such a great tool and guide, especially since it's from a Christian persective. So thank you, Kristin!

Okay, about the orientation. It was held in Atlanta at a very, very nice church. The particular building the meeting was in was in one of the church's buildings called "The Lodge" which was across the street from the actual church. Um, wow. This building was very nice and swanky and it did indeed look like a lodge inside. It was a little intimidating, actually. I suddenly started looking at my clothes and my purse (which I really liked the outfit was wearing and I love my Vera Bradley purse) wondering if my clothes and purse weren't good enough for this. We were the second people there, naturally (I love to be early! We actually thought we were running late but it started 30 minutes after I originally thouhgt it was supposed to start). About 10 minutes before it started other couples and inviduals...mostly couples, though...started coming in. I was a little paranoid because we were probably the youngest couple there and I could tell some of the couples were obviously from the Buckhead area because they had the "right" clothes and the "right" hairstyles and the swanky designer glasses. I know I shouldn't let this kind of stuff make me paranoid or worried, but I do. I feel like adoption is so expensive and I kind of wonder if a birth mother is shown our profile with a really wealthy couple's profile, why would they choose us over the wealthy couple? This is just part of my warped way of thinking (though it's probably not too warped, actually).

They did a video about the agency that was very touching and very well put together. Then each director talked a little bit about their area of specialty and after they finished speaking we broke out into different groups based on our interest. We sat in on the Domestic Infant Adoption session since that is the route we are going to go. We had thought about Intercountry adoption for a brief second but we just simply, most definitely cannot afford that. Our session was fantastic and we really did learn a lot. One thing that kind of scares me is the fact that in Georgia the birth parents have a 10 day grace period after they sign the release papers to re-nig on the release of their child. That means that after the birth parents sign the forms stating they are giving their child to a couple to adopt, they have 10 days to change their mind. That was a little surprising to learn and it was a hot topic when people were asking questions during the info session.

I'm so glad we went to the meeting last night. It cleared up a lot of questions that we had and I think it helped my husband to be able to understand everything a little better. I can only explain so much to him about the adoption process so I think hearing it from professionals made it easier.

Now I will just eagerly wait and anticipate Monday's meeting with the Executive Director at the resource center. I really hope that one works out because that would really be the ideal route to take since it's way less expensive than an agency. Plus, I like the idea of how local it is. We shall see, though. Either way, after Monday we will decide what direction we are going to take and start filling out paper work to get a home study started...whether if it's with the agency's social workers or the county's social workers.

This Time

In two days we will go to an orientation/informational meeting at an adoption agency. I am looking forward to hearing what they have to say but I just don't think we are going to go with them. Who knows, though. What I'm REALLY looking forward to is next Monday.

After talking with the sweet lady who adopted from a local women's resource center, I emailed the Executive Director at the center. She actually emailed me back this weekend and gave me her cell phone number. Yesterday I called her cell phone and left a message, not really expecting a call back anytime soon. A few hours she called me back! She told me she would love to talk with me and said that she is extremely busy but could work something out. At first she said she could do a meeting over the phone if we needed to but really wanted to meet me in person. I told her no problem. She said she would love to meet me for lunch at Chick-fil-A so I agreed (I would much rather meet at her office because I think there is gong to be much awkwardness on my part at a lunch meeting but I will take it!). I am extremely nervous and excited at the same time. Ya'll know me - I'm not a huge talker. With my previous job I did have to talk for a living which was no problem because I was talking about the place I worked (and still work) for. When it comes to talking about myself I am not so good at that. I always prefer to listen to people rather than talk, so this should be interesting. I really feel good about this and I wish Monday would hurry up and get here. I do know that whether we choose to go with the agency or this women's resource center, we need to get a home study started. The hold up has been this agency meeting. If we choose to pursue the agency adoption process then we will get a homestudy done through the agency's social workers. If we choose to go through the resource center we will use social workers from the county. I have a feeling we will be going with the resource center but who knows what will happen. God knows, I know that much. I know this is all part of His amazing plan for our life (I debated whether or not to write "life" or "lives" because technically it should be "our lives" but since Kyle and I share a life together I decided to write life).

Looking back at to where I was this time last year I have seen such a drastic change in myself. While a huge part of me died last year when I lost the baby and I have changed since losing the baby, I feel like I am slowly starting to have a new piece of my heart grow where the old piece died. It's really hard to explain. I think about how I've changed constantly. This time last year marked a little over two months since I lost the baby and I felt like there was no hope for my husband and me to be parents. This time last year I would go home every evening and cry my eyes out. This time last year I was mad at the world. I am so thankful not to be in the place where I was this time last year. I am thankful for the experience (I never thought I would say that) because I know that it has led to on this path to pursue adoption earlier than we anticipated (we always knew we would adopt someday...we just thought it would be when our biological kids were in high school). I know the road to adoption is not an easy road. It can take a long time and can carry disappointment if a failed match were to take place. I do know the outcome is so worth it, though.

Alright, that's all I have to say/write for now. I hope to provide an update after the agency meeting.

My Heart is Smiling

Yesterday I called my boss' friend and left her a voice message. I kind of thought that maybe she wouldn't call me back...

I just got off the phone with her after a twenty-two minute conversation.

This sweet, Christian lady called me back and she was just so caring and nice. I actually had to close my office door because I had silent tears coming out of my eyes - that is how encouraged I felt!

She told me her adoption stories (she has adopted three children) and she told me all about this last adoption that took place less than two weeks ago. It is such an amazing story and it is so evident how God had His hand in this particular adoption.

I was a little nervous when the lady asked me my age since she is eleven years older than me. When I told her she said that she thinks it's so great that I feel led to adopt at my age. She said she considers it a blessing because so many people don't figure out that adoption is right for them until they are much older and that can really hurt them when a birth mother is looking through profiles (sad, but it's true). She said it's great that I want to start the adoption process now in case it does take a few years to complete because I do have time on my side right now. She also mentioned I am more likely to be picked by a birth mother. Not once did she say anything about keeping the hope alive that I will get pregnant someday. She really understands.

I am going to make our adoption profile. I know it can take many, many weeks to make but I want to start making it this weekend. She is actually emailing me a copy of hers so I can see it and along with it she is emailing me a picture of her brand new bundle of joy. I thought that was really sweet! Once I finish our adoption profile I will distribute it to different resource centers and if I get brave I will distribute it to different doctors offices. I'll probably make about 75 copies.

Oh man, I just feel so much emotion right after speaking with her. I am so thankful that God allowed my friend to connect me to her because I think this was just the type of encouragement I needed.

Moved

I found the coolest quote the other day.

"Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real
parent, who is all my own.--- Rita Laws, PhD"

I love this and just wanted to share that with everyone!


In exactly three weeks my husband and I go to the free orientation/seminar for the adoption agency we are considering. I am really looking forward to it because hopefully, after returning home from the meeting, we will be able to have some clarity on which direction we should go with who to use.

Once we start the adoption process (whenever that might be), I am thinking about truly making this blog public (as in, putting on a social networking site the link to this). I enjoyed this blog being private last year when I wrote this for myself. I've also enjoyed sharing the link with a few people because I feel that my friends and family are better able to understand me now. When we start the actual process as in signing up with an agency, a consultant, whoever/whatever, then I may post this link on my website.

I just made my status on a social networking site (FB) about how if anyone knows of a girl or young woman who is pregnant but is not ready to raise a child and wants to give her baby to a loving couple, then please tell her about me and my husband. This will probably be the last time I make my status as this but I know that it could only help to get the word out there. Funny enough, a family friend (a.k.a my parents real estate agent who has become their friend over the years before she was even their real estate agent) who is very well-respected in the area she lives in sent me a message right away and asked me if she could re-post as her status so all of her family and friends can see. I was very touched. She told me about a family member of hers who is adopted and how she thinks its the greatest thing. I was very humbled that someone would do this for me (okay, please don't think I'm trying to hint that I want ya'll to do post this for me...because honestly, that would make me feel weird). This family friend has already posted it and just sent me a message saying she posted it and sent it to about 1,100 people! Like I said, she's very well respected!). I'm not good at letting people help me out like that. I feel a little odd yet moved and I wish there was some way I can help her out (hey, if any of you are looking to buy a house in the area and need a real estate agent, let me know! I know a great one!).

Another friend from college just sent me a private message. She is one of 24 adopted children and told me that her mom is obviously very well plugged into some adoption agencies in this state. She is going to talk to her mom and see if she can either get me some names of some agencies or plug me into any.

This is actually kind of emotional for me right now that people I don't really see or talk to are reaching out. Strange things are happening to me today. All day today I kept thinking how I just want to be a mom. I don't care what my child looks like (as in, I really don't care. I don't care if they are the color of our new car or if they are the color of a sunset).

By the way, we traded in Kyle's beloved, beautiful truck for a more family friendly and gas mileage friendly "crossover" vehicle this past weekend.

Okay, my post is getting to be really jumbled as usual.

To Use or Not to Use (the Consultant)? That is the Question.

So through the online adoption message board, I found two different people who have used the adoption consultant in Atlanta that I have written about. I asked if the consultant place is really legit when they say that most people come home with a newborn within 3-12 months. They both verified that this is completely legit. In fact, one of them came home with a baby two weeks after signing up with them and the other came home with a baby a month after signing up with them. Crazy, huh?

I watched the dvd that the consultant place sent me and for the most part I liked what I saw. It was kind of weird because the owner kept saying throughout the whole seminar, "If you do exactly as we say and follow all of our instructions you will have a baby in less than a year." I'm not really sure what the whole "do as we say" means but the thought of having a baby in less than a year is really tempting. The thought at becoming a mother in less than a year is super tempting. I could always talk to the consultant place and tell them that our budget is not $35,000 and see what they can do for me. It all sounds so odd yet so exciting. Kyle is actually starting to scope out Craigs List for a crib, etc. I'm not saying that we are definitely going with the consultant but it is on our minds for sure. We are still going to see what Bethany has to say during their free meeting.

I am so stressed and worried about this that my face has broken out (I'm sure you really wanted to know that). Also, just when I thought my family understood everything (don't get me wrong, they are still supportive and excited), my mom and younger sister both asked me if the doctor flat out told me I couldn't have children. Well, no. He did not. He told me there is no reason I should not be pregnant again by now and he also told me he thinks I will be able to get pregnant again. Well, it's been over a year. The loss of a baby and remaining infertile really does something to you. I met with a reproductive specialist back in the spring and both Kyle and I know that is not for us. I know I shouldn't take offense to little comments or questions but unfortunately I do...in fact, I'm really good at doing that.

It Will Be Okay

I'm feeling much more positive than I was yesterday. I realize we do not have to use an adoption consultant...especially one that tells me that I will need to increase my budget to $35,000 in order to receive a baby in 3-12 months. While I know having a lot of money helps with adoption, to me it almost sounds like baby-brokering. I am still waiting to hear back from the consultant to hear how much my budget will need to be if I use them for a bi-racial adoption. I'm also looking into an adoption agency that is based out of Texas but has an office in North Carolina. Maybe the Bethany agency will work out. Who knows. I am going to continue to explore all of my options.

When I got home from work yesterday my husband could tell I was pretty down about everything. He told me that it will be okay and that we are not going to let money stop us. He figures if we go with a reasonably priced agency than it will all be okay. He also reinforced that if we do not get a baby right away then we shouldn't sweat it...it just gives us more time to save. I talked to my mom this morning and told her a little about the consultant group. She told me that she feels that no matter what agency, consultant, whatever we use she feels that God will give us a baby someway, somehow sooner rather than later. She also said she still believes we will have a biological baby of our own.

While I appreciate the encouragement and while that would be wonderful, I am really excited to start the adoption process. I also don't like to think that maybe one day we will have a biological child because I've already come to the place where I am okay with everything and I feel it unncessary to revel with that idea.

By the way, I like to periodically change the music from time to time based on how I feel. The former song on there was Song to Sing from my favorite band. Even if you don't like Hanson I would be pretty surprised if you said you didn't think the song was pretty. It's so beautiful (and it's a really old song from them, too). The new song I have is Michael Buble's Haven't Met You Yet. It's how I feel about my future baby...I know I will one day be a parent and it's so exciting because I know a baby is out there for me...I just haven't met him or her yet!

Void

There is not really anything new to write about so that is why I've been slacking on the blog posts. We are still set to attend at orientation meeting with an adoption agency at the very end of this month (I wish it was sooner). I'm a little frustrated because I have heard that since this is the largest adoption agency in the United States, right now there is a waiting list to be put on the waiting list. But, who knows. I just heard that from an adoption message board I have started to frequent. Maybe that person was wrong.

I did find an adoption consultant right in Atlanta that we are looking into. I was so confused about adoption consultants and what exactly they do. They network with agencies, attorneys and birth moms and so you are paying them plus an agency. It's really tempting to use them because the one not too far away from us claims that most couples have a match with a newborn within 3-12 months...which is amazing. I do know this place is legitimate because I've read multiple reviews from women on this adoption message board that have used them. I was all excited because honestly I was willing to pay the extra money (less than $3,000) to use their services if it meant we would have a baby sooner rather than later. I filled out a "preference" form and a "getting to know you" form and I am so bummed after I got an email back from them. The lady who emailed me was super nice (both ladies I have contact at this place are so nice) and invited me to a free seminar in a couple of weeks (I can't go to it because I have to work at a late meeting that night...however, they will send me a dvd on the seminar). She told me the only concern they have with me and my husband is our adoption budget. She asked if we would be willing to up our budget to a minimum of $30,000...preferably $35,000. Umm, NO. I know you cannot put a price on a child and fulfilling the dream of having a child but I'm sorry, we really cannot do that. I guess now I understand why they can almost guarantee you will have a newborn within 3-12 months...the more money you have the easier it is. On their website they did say don't get discouraged if you don't have that big of a budget because there are grants, loans, scholarships, etc. Well, I'm extrememly discouraged. It just does not seem fair. I refuse to take out a home equity loan or whatever it's called. No way, no how. The scholarships and grants sound great (and believe me, I will be applying for scholarships and grants once a home study is completed) but from what information I have gathered, the scholarships and grants are not a lot of money.

While I feel very strongly that God has told us that now is the time for us to be parents (I fully believe that with my whole heart), I guess the devil is telling me that maybe we won't ever be parents. Maybe, instead of saving for an adoption, we should just take the money and to go Alaska, Boston and wherever else we want to go next year...and, you know, be that couple who are childless and can travel whenever and wherever. Or spend money on new furniture or re-do our side yard or the back retaining wall. Or just take random weekend trips whenever we want. While all of that sounds fun, I know it would not fill the void in our hearts.

I know He will provide...but honestly that is easier to say than to really grasp sometimes. I'm also wondering if we should put our own selfish desires on the back burner and be willing to adopt a child who will obviously not look like either one of us or anyone in our family in the least bit (the adoption consultant told us that the only type of child with our budget that we would be able to adopt would be a certain type of child...a child that is fully of an obvious, different race). Not that I care if they look like our family because sometimes even adoption children who are the same race as you don't look like their adoptive parents (though, in most cases I've seen the adopted children look exactly like their adoptive parents...I think God is just cool like that!), but I know it will be extremely hard for a child who is of a completely different race than us. Even though it is 2010, I know the child will still get questions from classmates in school about the difference in skin color and looks. I wouldn't mind adopting a child like that if we were older and had kids in high school. I don't know. I honestly feel like I am not being racist but maybe I do have my priorities mixed up.

Okay, now I'm just rambling.

Ready

So after reviewing agencies for the past week (I've been reviewing and researching agencies for months but had already narrowed it down based on age requirements and qualifications, location, etc), we narrowed it down to two agencies in Georgia. I asked my dad look over both agencies extensiveley since he's really good with legal documents and right away he nixed one. One that we were considering sounded good but what I had failed to notice right there in front of my eyes is for part of their fees they said you had to pay a non-refundable $10,000 up front from the get-go. Um, YIKES. I don't know how I didn't even catch that...maybe because there were so many figures on the page that my eyes were not drawn to that. I'm so thankful he caught that because he saved us time and possible even money. So I am happy and nervous to say that we have one agency we will be going with if all goes well at the free orientation meeting. I'm happy because it makes life easier to just have one for consideration and they are also the largest adoption agency in the country. On the other hand, it makes me nervous because I wish I had at least two to pick from.

I'm also happy to say that my husband and I have definitely decided on what kind of baby we want. We are open to either a caucasian infant or a bi-racial infant. I don't know why but I am leaning more towards a bi-racial baby and I think Kyle is, too. At first we were considering a bi-racial baby with a couple of different agencies because of cost. I know that is not a very good reason to want a specific type of child but honestly when it comes down to it money is important. The agency that we are (more than likely) going with does not have a price difference between caucasian and bi-racial...and what's really funny is we are still kind of hoping we get a bi-racial child.

I am just ready to start the home study process. Once the home study is completed we can start applying for grants and scholarships. My family is really on board with us adopting and my parents are really excited. It just thrills my heart! I feel like I walk a little quicker now and smile a little more. What really makes my heart want to burst with happiness is how on board my husband is with it. It makes me so happy we are finally on the same page with adoption. He even wanted to start pricing cribs yesterday. He also gave his beloved UFC professional punching bag/stand away to my brother to make room for our future (totally his idea).

I know we are in for a long process and I just hope this orientation calms any nervousness and fears we may have. I have read many reviews on this organization and they are mostly negative. It is true that people with negative comments are more likely to review a place.

A Peaceful Heart

God is amazing with the peace He gives us and the way He has a plan for us from the very beginning.

At the end of next month, my husband and I will be attending a (free) orientation at a very well known adoption agency. More specifically, we will be attending the Domestic Infant Adoption Orientation class and we could not be more excited. I am still looking into agencies and possibly adoption attorneys but I thought I would get the ball rolling and see what this particular agency has to say. I've always heard about them on the show Adoption Stories and they were also featured on 16 and Pregnant. I've read about them and researched their site and emailed back and forth with a lady who works there.

Kyle and I told our parents this weekend. My younger sister already knew because I had been talking with her about it. I was very hesitant to tell my parents because I thought they would say that we are too young and crazy for doing this at our ages. I could not have been more wrong and I am so thankful for that. I was nervous about telling them all day yesterday so finally, as I was helping my Mom with the dishes, I said, "Ya'll will never believe where we are going next month." My dad responded with, "Alaska? Boston? Charleston?" It was kind of funny but very appropriate because Kyle and I have been talking about going to either Alaska or Boston next year and Charleston sometime this year. I just laughed and said no and told them I knew they would say we were young and crazy. I then told them we would be attending an orientation on adoption. I really had prepared myself for words I didn't want to hear. Don't get me wrong - my parents are the most supportive people on this planet and for that I am truly grateful. I consider my parents to be the best parents on this planet. I just thought they would say with me being 25 and Kyle being 24, we had many years ahead of us to still try and have children. I had mentally prepared what I would say to them. Well, I didn't have to say any of the mentally prepared statements. They had some questions and of course my dad brought up the cost factor, "I have a friend who adopted from Guatemala a few years ago and it cost him over $26,000." I let them know we are currently only interested in domestic adoption. They took it well. A few hours later my mom and I went walking and she brought it up and had a few questions. When I told her how relieved I was that they were so encouraging, she said of course they were going to be encouraging. She then said that she always watches me and my husband with our niece and just knows that we are more than ready to be parents and will be wonderful parents to a lucky baby. I was really happy she said that. She did ask what would happen if I got pregnant during the adoption process (like, if I get pregnant and we have already been matched with a baby). I told her we would continue on with the adoption and look at it as God's will for us.

I am so thankful to know that we have our parents support.

We are prepared for what people are going to say about it...and honestly, we don't care about the negativity. Sure, it might hurt a little but we feel like God has been saying that it's our time to become parents and we couldn't be happier. I know we still have so much to learn about adoption.

Adoption Confusion

This past weekend I went to Babies R Us to purchase some baby gifts for two out of the seven women I know who are having babies this fall.

I enjoy picking out baby items - I really do. When I was in Babies R Us this weekend I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me. When I told my husband that it made me a little sad to be there shopping for other people and not our own baby, he said he felt the exact same way. For the most part I've gotten out of the mentality of constantly thinking, "Right now I should have a five month old baby." The idea of getting pregnant is still a fond idea to me and one that I will always hope for and wish for (maybe some day). I am baffled whenever I see a pregnant woman and see the size of her stomach...it just amazes me that a human being is inside of there. I hope to someday know what that truly feels like (yes, I was pregnant but I wasn't far enough along to be able to feel the baby).

I'm not "giving up" as some may put it but I am at peace when I say that my husband and I have decided to really amp up the adoption research and even look into getting a home study done. Ideally we would like to start the actual adoption process as soon as he gets done with his training for his new career, which will probably be in December or January. With the recommendation of a former roommate who now is the director at a pregnancy crisis center, I researched an adoption agency that is about an hour and a half from where I live. I became really excited because even though this agency is still expensive (expensive to me), it is way less expensive than a lot of the other agencies around here. This agency was looking like a true possibility and I was all ready to send in an application for the home study but I noticed this agency requires both adoptive parents to be 25 years of age. My husband won't be 25 until April. I called the agency to ask them about this and they said they won't even accept applications until both people are 25 (some agencies will go ahead and do the home study just so long as both people are 25 by the time of the adoption). I have been researching the state law for the adoptive parent age in my state but I am so confused. Many places say 25 years old but some say it just depends on the agency you work with. I am trying to find out what is Georgia's legal requirement in general. My sister knows someone who was going through the adoption process (during her adoption physical she found out she was pregnant) and she was only 23 years old at the time. So I am really confused. If, for some reason, Georgia's minumum age requirement for any type of adoption is 25 years old then we are going to be positive about it since that will give us some more time to really save up and possibly find a birth mother so we can do an independent/private adoption since those are less expensive than going through an agency.

I doubt any of this makes sense. As usual, my thoughts are jumbled up with excitement and nervousness so we will just take one step at a time. I just want to become a parent.

The "A" Word

I don't really have anything interesting to say so that is why I haven't been blogging lately. Nothing is new and I am fine with that.

So, a while back I wrote about how my husband and I would be discussing the big "A" word (adoption)on July 14 which was the year anniversary of our baby's death. Well, July 14 has come and gone and we never really had an in depth discussion about it. My husband told me a week prior to the 14th that he just wasn't ready to consider adoption at that point. He said that he would feel like he was giving up on us having a child biologically if he talked about adoption. Plus, he just really doesn't understand how it works. I cannot really blame him with either of those thoughts. While I know that starting the adoption process is not "giving up" on our ability to have a child naturally, I would still love to have a biological child. With the whole not really understanding how adoption works, I get that...I really do. Adoption can be a tricky, expensive and confusing process. Reading about it and researching it can be very time consuming and honestly tiring. Not to mention the cost factor. That alone can get one down instantly.

So I was actually fine with not fully discussing and starting the adoption process this month. For some reason lately I just kind of have a "whatever" attitude about it all. Sure, things still drive me crazy and annoy me to no end, but I can say with a happy heart that I have not had a pity party for myself in quite a while. I haven't broken down crying at night in a couple of months (this is definitely an improvement).

This past weekend my sister was telling me about her co-worker's daughter who has adopted several daughters from China. This lady's daughter got some sort of adoption loan or scholarship or grant from an organization that a famous Christian singer and his family started and continue to run. This organization supposedly makes adoption more affordable. While in the car yesterday, I told my husband about this Christian singer's organization to help families who want to adopt. My husband then responded by telling me that he feels more strongly than ever that we are at the point in our life/lives that children need to be apart of it. He then went on to explain that even though he's wanted children for the past couple of years that we've been trying, he really feels that now is our time and we have so much love to share with eachother that he feels strongly that we also need to share our love with a baby. He also asked me to look up more information on this organization and more about adoption grants. Heck, we even talked about where (as in domestically or internationally) we would like to adopt kids from. We are in agreement about all of it. He promised me (and my sweet husband is good about not breaking his promises) that whenever he finishes training for his new career, we will start the home study and look for the help of an adoption agency (if we cannot find a birth mother ourselves to do a private adoption with). It makes sense. His new career takes a lot out of him physically and mentally...especially the six months of training. He should be done with training at the end of the year. I am thrilled that we are now on the same page (over the past few months he has taken one step forward and I've taken a step back to where we are both meeting in the middle...and we've both taken these steps on our own time). If we reach the point of adopting, we would prefer to adopt a baby in the United States first and foremost. If for some reason that doesn't work out we will also consider China or Korea.

It feels good to have a plan. It also feels good to know that even if I don't get pregnant again, we can still become parents and raise children together. So, a plan has been made and now I will just continue to enjoy the rest of the year with my husband.

Kindred Spirits

July 14 has come and gone and I am okay. I was actually confused and weirded out about the fact that I wasn't crying or just so upset that day. Maybe it was because my niece had all of my attention that day. My sweet friend suggested maybe it is because my heart is healing. I am going going to contribute my non-depressive state to both of these facts.

Yesterday, a few hours after returning from my short vacation, I went to a baby shower that I was honestly dreading. I was looking forward to celebrating the friend it was for but I dreaded seeing all of the cute baby gear in pale blue and seeing someone else so happy because they have never had to experience loss. I dreaded playing the "cutesy" baby shower games and putting on a fake smile. I dreaded sitting there with people I have known for about twenty-two years and them giving me a sympathetic look when they asked, "So Mary, how are you?" (meaning, "So how is life after loss?"). I get really awkward whenever anyone asks me that question and gives me a look of sympathy. I cannot stand it.

The shower was just as awkward as I had imagined it to be. I was really quiet and tried to look at the floor whenever I could. It helped that my sister and niece were there so I was able to chat with them and also focus my attention on my niece. I did plenty of the fake smiles yesterday but all in all I am happy for the girl who the shower was for. She looked extremely happy. I used to be one of the few people who loved going to showers but I cannot stand them now - not because I'm jealous but because I cannot stand feeling awkward.

After the baby shower my husband and I went to our very first shrimp boil at one of his co-workers house. My husband started a new career about six weeks ago so we thought it would be good if we joined everyone for the shrimp boil. One of the many things that my husband and I have in common is we can both be pretty quiet in group settings. I've gotten better over the years because I have learned that I just have to force myself to socialize. It was nice meeting his co-workers and their wives/fiances. I surprised myself and chatted with a few other women for awhile. They were so nice and it was nice to be able to talk about what our husbands are going through together. During dinner, my husband and I sat out on the screened in back porch with another couple. Come to find out this other couple attends the same church that I do so that was neat to talk about. After dinner a woman around my age came out on the porch to rock her five week old baby. At one point the new mom asked if I wanted to hold the baby and I of course could not resist (I could not quit staring at the precious baby girl). While I was holding her one of my husband's co-workers commented on how natural I looked holding the baby and asked if we were going to have a baby soon. It was a very innocent comment and actually did not upset me so I just told him that we would love kids as soon as God wanted us to have them. I told him we would like them as soon as possible and that we both just love kids. I then casually mentioned that we lost one last year so the sooner the better for us. The new mom and I started talking about her baby and her pregnancy and then she asked me how far along in the pregnancy I was that I lost the baby. I told her eight weeks and then she told me, "Me too." She then went on to say how she was pregnant last summer and miscarried at eight weeks. She told me how even though she got pregnant a few months later and went on to have a healthy little girl, not a day goes by that she doesn't think of the day she miscarried and of the baby she was carrying. I really felt like this woman and this conversation were both God sent. I did not feel a bit of anger that she was able to get pregnant a few months after miscarrying. She was really open and honest with me and we got to talking about how while people run from the topic and refuse to acknowledge miscarriages, it actually helps to talk about it. We also talked about how moms who have never experienced the loss of a baby or child could never understand what we went through and will continue to go through for the rest of our lives. She also said that everyone told her that it will happen when you quit trying but that is much easier said than done because even when you finally say you aren't trying you are still looking at your chart and watch. That was really funny she mentioned that because I have thought about that a lot lately. It was so refreshing to talk with this woman I had just met about our similar experiences (she also had a natural miscarriage) - she honestly knew what I was going through!

For the most part, I'm good. I may start blogging less since I have not really felt like writing. I usually enjoy writing when I'm feeling down and I haven't been feeling all that down and depressed lately. Over the next month I will actually be helping to plan a baby shower so who knows - maybe I will be blogging like crazy. Once again, I am not going to proofread this post.

A Year Ago Tomorrow

A year ago today my husband and I boarded a plane and flew to New York City. It was my husband's first trip there. We went with the knowledge that, according to every doctor we saw, our baby would exit this world. I was nieve and thought that maybe, just maybe, I would be one of those women you hear about who is told that she is losing her baby but in the end a miracle would happen. When I went back in for an ultra sound on the day they told me my baby was dying, I saw the growth of the baby with my own eyes - it was undeniable, even the doctor and technician commented on how the fetus had grown in a week. Of course, there was no heart beat which is the worst sound any expected mother can hear. You try to make your ears hear something...anything...but all you hear is silence.

So, yeah. A year ago today my husband and I landed in the busy city of NYC. While my pain had really kicked up a great deal I decided that after we checked into our hotel and had a nap, we would still explore the city that evening. Our hotel was unbelievable. Even though I would have preferred old, historic and charming, our hotel was modern, ultra chic and completely hip. It's kind of like something you would see in a movie. Going up the escalator to get to the lobby was an ultra hip experience within itself. The hotel was dark so the side panels of the escalator were neon yellow lights and then once in the lobby it is hard to describe. At night they have a night club in the restaurant connected to the lobby to give you somewhat of an idea of this place (by the way, we booked this hotel with priceline.com so we did not purposely pick out a hotel with a night club). Our room, like any NYC hotel room, was really tiny but really pretty. After a nap we set out to explore Times Square followed by the Upper East Side. I might add that our hotel was a good 16-20 blocks away from Times Square and a little bit further to the Upper East Side...and we walked (we eventually rode the subway coming back from the Upper East Side but we are that couple who loves to walk. In fact, I usually power walk everywhere). I was a little slower than usual (the second day we were there I think I moved at the pace of a 90 year old woman) and while I was miserable, I tried to smile because my sweet husband was taking the city in for the first time.

A year ago tomorrow I lost my baby. Now, while I believe my baby had died a day or two prior the miscarriage, I lost my baby for god a year ago tomorrow. I remember the whole day too well. We woke up and had planned to visit the luxurious Fifth Avenue which was not all that far from our hotel. We also planned on walking through Central Park. I woke up with labor pains (yes, this actually happens with a woman has a natural miscarriage) but at the time I did not know they were called labor pains. I just knew it felt like I was dying on a bed in a hotel room in NYC. I tried to lay down thinking that maybe the pains would go away eventually. All I could do was cry, moan and lay there. I even tried tossing and turning to see if that would subside the pain. While my husband was in the shower I forced myself to get up off of the bed and get dressed. I remember asking him to please finish his shower soon because I needed to go to the hospital (the night before we had discovered that a hospital was just a few blocks down the street from our hotel...talk about that being a work of God!) to have a D & C done. Now, I was all against having a D & C done from the start though I was offered one two different times by two different doctors. I won't go into the full medical explanation of what a D & C is but it is basically when they go in and get the dead fetus and its sac/the leftovers from your body. It is not an abortion though most hospitals will label it on the bill as one (I think that is so cruel to label it like that even on a bill). I am against abortion in all cases. A D & C is not an abortion but I still could not even begin to think of disposing of my baby like that. It would have been much easier and faster than having a natural miscarriage and a lot less painful. Well, the morning of the 14th I had decided that the pain was way too great and I was losing way too much blood to wait any longer. I decided I had to get off of my high horse and just have the procedure since I knew the short life of my baby was already over. I ended up not having to have a D & C (praise the Lord) because about two minutes before walking out of the hotel room I saw the dead fetus. I'm leaving out some parts but I will say that, though I was in a state of shock, I do remember looking at the fetus and really examining it before throwing it away. Kyle offered to hail a cab but try to stay away from cabs if possible. We walked the few blocks to the emergency room and I was admitted right away. Once I was back in the hospital room I was assigned a male nurse who was really nice. I was adament about not crying in front of anyone (I don't like to cry in front of others) and I remember the nurse telling me over and over that it was okay to cry and it would even be good for me to cry. I just couldn't. I just kept staring off into space. I was at the hospital for four hours. My mom told me she was going to book a plane ticket that day so she could be with me and Kyle. I remember telling Kyle to please tell her thank you for the nice offer but no, we needed to do this with just eachother. She was really adament but in the end respected our wishes (sure, I would have given anything for my mom to just fly up there and be with us but I knew I was grown now and married and I knew in my heart that this was something my husband and I needed to get through together). She and my dad did say that if it had been anyone else with me then my mom would have flown up there anyway but they know my husband very well and know that he truly takes care of me.

After going back to the hotel and taking a shower my husband suggested we fly home so I could be more comfortable. I told him that this was still our vacation and we were going to make the best of it. I secretly wanted to go home but I felt like we were already there and had already paid for everything so we needed to stay there. Plus I really didn't want to look at my family and friends in the eyes because I was so humiliated. We ended up going to FAO Schwarz, where we were originally going to get our baby his or her first stuffed animal, to get our niece a stuffed animal. My husband even tried to get me to go into other stores along Fifth Avenue, including Tiffany's. He told me he wanted to buy me a necklace but I told him no way. We went in Tiffany's just so he could see what it was like in there but I told him I would rather have a necklace later on and not from Tiffany's (for our anniversary a few months later he gave me a beautiful necklace). We even tried to walk through Central Park for a bit. The next day we went to the Empire State Building and the NY Public Library (one of my favorite places to visit in New York).

So, a year ago today I will not be headed to NY but I will be headed to the beach. A year ago tomorrow I will not be in NY miscarrying my baby but I will be at the beach with some of my family.

Surprisingly I am okay. I have not cried today and I don't believe I will. Yesterday I went into a complete daze and am still in one, but it's not a depressed daze. I guess I just can't believe it's already been a year. This past year has been a rough year and I've done a lot of crying over the past year but I think I am to the point where, though I will always grieve the loss of my baby and feel scorned and will always take offense to idiotic comments people make (or even innocecent comments), I know I am going to be okay. My husband and I are closer than ever and I thank God for him multiple times a day. I feel like I have an appreciation for life that other mothers who have never experienced losing a child cannot even begin to feel. Yes, I get really annoyed whenever I hear of someone else who is pregnant and hear other women talk about their pregnancies, but I think that's okay that I get annoyed. I'm a little sad, mad and yet glad that no one seems to remember the year anniversary of when I lost my baby. I'm sad and mad because I feel like it's such a memorable and traumatizing event but then I have to remember that it was just memorable and traumatizing for me - not for my family and friends (well, I know they were sad for me). I know it's not of great importance to anyone but me and my husband. I'm glad no one remembers because I wouldn't know how to react if anyone said anything to me about it.

In the end though, I guess I am okay. By the way, this post probably has quite a bit if misspellings and grammatical errors. I wrote all but this last paragraph early this morning and I am not going to even bother proofreading it.

Happiness is Worth the Chance

Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end.

The above line is from a song off of the new album of my favorite band. It is such a beautiful song and yesterday evening when I heard this lyric it just hit me. Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end. This got me thinking and wondering if this statement is true or not.

In five days from today, July 14, is the day that marks the year anniversary of when my life turned upside down...the day that I joined the statistics of women who prematurely lose a baby/miscarry. I had planned to write a post on July 14 re-living that day since this is my journal and all and to just get all of my thoughts and feelings out of my mind and out on this blog. I had been debating whether to write this post or not next week since I now have readers (one to two readers that I am aware of) and I don't want to sound repetitive since, at the beginning of my blog, I re-lived that day already. Sure, there are a couple of details that are just too personal and sacred for a blog that I left out and will continue to leave out but I kind of wanted to write all my thoughts down again. Well, something ironic happened last week. Last week I was invited to go on a vacation with my family. I will be leaving the 13th which was the day I left for NYC last year. I will be gone on the 14th which means being away from my husband on the day that changed our lives forever. So, back to the point of this whole paragraph. I will not be posting a blog on the year anniversary of my baby's death. Maybe this is for the best that I will be out of town next week to take my mind off of everything. Who knows. I have considered writing an anniversary post before I leave but lately I just haven't been able to write (it really took a lot of thinking to write this jumbled post). We shall see.

Last night when I was reading my Bible before bed, the last part of the Psalm said word for word: "Wait for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14) After I finally closed my Bible I just kind of said, "Okay God, you win." I know I need to be patient so this verse was comforting. The thing that really frustrated me is that I feel like I have been patient and I feel like nothing is paying off. I know that I shouldn't think like that but it's so hard not to when everyone around me is becoming pregnant and having babies left and right. It's more like annoyance now than envy or sadness whenever I hear of someone else who is pregnant.

On a positive note, my husband is accompanying me on a road trip at the end of this month and I am so excited. He is being such a good sport and offered to go with me to see my favorite band (they are not coming here this fall to the major city I live near) who will be playing in a city about six and a half hours away. Normally I roll my eyes at the "roadies" and all of the fans who travel hundreds of miles and many, many hours to see bands. I think it's quite ridiculous; however, my husband and I have been wanting to go on a weekend trip this summer (we will be going on one in the fall/winter) and he knows that this band's music is really food for my soul. There is something about the music of this band that really soothes me and puts me on a musical high. I know my husband and I will have a good time together and it warms my heart that he is willing to see a band he dislikes (though, after he saw them in concert with me last fall he finally admitted they are talented) to make me happy. Plus, it will be fun to explore a new town together (I have been there just once and that was for a conference). In a way my vacation next week and my road trip to see a concert in a few weeks will take my mind off of things and will hopefully cleanse my heart for a little bit.

July 1

Today is July 1. I am not really sure yet how I feel about that fact.

A year ago today I was going about my life normally. While I had been trying for over a year to get pregnant I did not think it would be possible any time soon because last June it was discovered that I had some ovarian cysts (not the serious kind...whatever that means). A couple of weeks before the first of July I had some serious pain in my stomach that brought me to my knees a few times. I contributed this to the cysts possibly bursting.

On July 1 I had a follow up appointment about so they could monitor my cysts. My at-the-time boss took the whole office out to eat celebrate the start of fiscal year. We ate at one of my favorite restaurants and I was to leave directly from the restaurant to go to my appointment. It was like any other ordinary day. We got done eating early and I had some extra time to spare so I went home to shower and change clothes. I arrived at my appointment early (which is not unusual for me to do - I would rather be way early than right on time or late) so they saw me a little early. The nurse went through the basic questions and had me perform the basic procedures. After the basic procedures, she asked me to wait in the tiny little patient area where a doctor usually meets with patients. A few seconds later the same nurse came through the door with a huge smile on her face. That is when she said, "Mary, you are pregnant! Congratulations!" I was in complete shock. This was my dream come true. This is what my husband and I had been wanting and praying for. This was my purpose in life. This was the reason for me being born. Yet, somehow I was in disbelief. I had tears in my eyes when I looked up at her and asked, "Are you serious?" That is when she handed me the pregnancy test and I saw it with my very own eyes. I felt like I was in a dream. Everything was a little fuzzy and excitement and disbelief were both running through me at the same time.

While I sat there stunned, the nurse immediately gave me a hug and gave me this bag that was packed full of parenting magazines, pre-natal vitamins, information on the hospital I would deliver at, etc. I felt bad for acting so stunned so I told her, "I am so happy. This is the best news. I am just shocked and it's a little hard for me to believe." The nurse said she understood and she immediately took me back to the ultrasound room (that was the only benefit of going to this small office - the ultrasound machine, the lab, everything - was right in that little building. I was so overwhelmed because everything was happening so fast. The ultrasound technician performed an ultra sound and that is when I saw it. The cysts were gone and something much greater was there. I saw the picture that I will never forget. The techinican printed me a copy of the picture to take home. I was then whisked away to the tiny patient waiting room in the back. While I waited on the doctor for what seemed like forever (I know it was just a matter of minutes), I pulled out my cell phone and sent a text to my husband. He had been worried about my appointment that day regarding the cysts (which were no longer there) so he had sent me a text earlier asking how it was going. I responded that the cysts were gone. I sent a separate message that said, "I love you, K." I was so tempted to just tell him the amazing news right then and there but I didn't want to tell him over a text message. A few minutes later the doctor came in and congratulated me. I don't really remember what he said after that because I was in such a happy daze. They did the standard pregnancy blood work before I left and said they would call the next day with results.

I was so excited to get home and tell my husband. Many thoughts were racing through my mind. How was I going to tell him? How could I be creative and cute? Should I go by the store and get a bibb that said "I love Daddy" or something like that? As much fun as that would have been, I decided I just wanted to get home as soon as possible to just tell him. As silly as this sounds, I kept singing to myself and saying over and over, "I'm going to be a mom! I'm going to be a mom!" I was so excited that this happened on July 1 because July 4 is my favorite holiday. Now, it is not the most important holiday to me but it is my absolute favorite. I couldn't help but think that this was a perfect way to go into the 4th of July weekend.

Once I got home I found my husband on the computer looking at things to do in New York City. Two days before, we had booked a four day trip to NYC. I bent down and hugged him and when he asked about the appointment I told him, "I'm a little nervous now about going to NYC." When he asked why, I responded with, "Well, because we should be using that money to spend on our baby!" He looked at me and I don't think it registered at first. I told him again and I think it started to click. I will never forget how happy my sweet husband was and how we jumped up and down like little kids. I also told him how even though I was so incredibly happy, I also felt like this was a mix-up or a dream. I kept wondering out loud if maybe the doctor's office made a mistake and mixed up my pregnancy test with some other woman's. I kept telling him that I felt like it was too good to be true.

Little did I know what my blood work would reveal the next day and continue to reveal in the weeks to come. Little did I know that I should not have told everyone the exciting news. Little did I know that I shouldn't have gotten attached to the unborn life inside of me.

So, yeah. It's July 1 and I am still babyless. You know what? I think I am okay today. I am going to try to remain positive and keep my happy face on. What good will it do me to sulk and cry all day long? It won't improve my life to sit around and grieve and mourn and have pity on myself. I have surprised myself by not being upset so far.

I know it will all be okay. In the words of the Beatles - Let it be.

Undeserved Madness

This is going to be really hard to admit on here but recently I became really angry and mad. Not angry and mad at my my friends or family but angry and mad at God. There, I said it.

Now, over the past year I have not gotten mad at God. I have come close to getting angry but hadn't until last week. I was mad that I took all six rounds of Clomid and I couldn't even get pregnant with a baby. I was mad that I've been praying and talking with God about the desires of my heart as it says to do in Psalm but yet the desires of my heart are not happening. I was mad that a piece of my heart has been missing since last summer and that I feel like I will forever be jaded. I'm mad at people who become pregnant so easily. I was mad that I know the feeling of sadness whenever I go to a baby shower. Most of all, I was mad at the fact that I was mad with God about all of the above issues. He doesn't deserve my anger or for me to be just completely upset with Him.

As a believer, I am so embarassed that I would be mad with God but I feel like I would be very hypocritcal if I did not admit this to all (two) of you. After talking with my very dear and precious friend (thanks, Lacey!) about the triplet situation, I felt a lot better.

After hearing about several pregnancies, I was gung-ho on asking my doctor for a prescription to the medication he briefly mentioned. When I got home that afternoon I had a letter from my doctor in my mailbox. Yes, it really was written and signed by my actual doctor. In the letter he explained that after further research, he was not comfortable prescribing the medication to me after all. He said that the medication has not been around that long and there have been many complications with the medication, such as "fetus malfunctions". My guess is that the medication causes miscarriage. My doctor went on to write that the only way he would consider prescribing the medication to me is under the supervision of a specialist who I saw back in March at a fertility clinic when I went for a consultation. He didn't push it in the letter because I told him a couple of weeks ago that I would not be pursuing the fertility clinic because it is not right for me. At the end of the letter he said that he feels that I will be able to become pregnant naturally and on my own.

That is where I'm at right now. Oh, and by the way - I am no longer mad at God. That lasted for about two daysI feel so ashamed that I was mad at him in the first place.

Man-made Medication

During my doctor appointment last Thursday, my doctor was telling me that since I've exhausted Clomid he could give me information on a different fertility medication that women with PCOS take when trying to get pregnant. Now, as I've discussed on here before, I do not have PCOS though I was convinced at one time I did (I went through hours of testing last fall and it all came back negative). He said that even though I don't have PCOS that I could still take it. I forgot what the name was...all I know is it starts with L. I told him I wasn't so sure so he said he will drop some information in the mail for me.

This is such an (ongoing) battle...it's as if new medical opportunities keep presenting themselves to me and now I just have to see if I am going to stick to my word about trusting the Lord and not relying on medication in the hope I will become pregnant. What does this mean? This means that I will not be going on this new medication...or at least not right now (though it is very tempting). This also means I am going to stop trying so hard...and stop trying in general.

*Sidenote: I am not a Christian Scientist - I have no problem with taking medication.

Mind Fetus, You Will Not Get the Best of Me!

Alright mind fetus, you can go away now.

For the past few days I have been dealing with a mind fetus. For those of you who don't know what the heck a mind fetus is, it is when you have pregnancy symptoms but are not pregnant. Usually women who have had miscarriages experience mind fetus' before their (late) monthly cycle. I've had my fair share of mind fetus' ever since last summer but this week's mind fetus is worse than ever (and no, I am not pregnant!). I've had some pains and discomfort (which, if I was pregnant I would definitely not be complaining about!) in my stomach and just now I ran to the bathroom to throw up. Now, throwing up takes a lot out of me and it is one thing I despise to do more than anything. While this may sound gross, I just forced myself to not throw up...I made myself keep it down. I can contribute this incident to a Kashi granola bar. It was "mocha" flavored and, while I cannot stand mocha or coffee or anything like that, I was so hungry and just kind of forced myself to try to ignore the flavor (it didn't work). What is really odd is the fact that the granola bars were in my pantry. My husband is another coffee hater so the only reason I think he bought the bars is because they were on sale/clearance. Yuck. I've also gained about 10 pounds since our California trip. Oh joy. I can contribute this to eating nothing but junk. I must cut out on the daily desserts (I have recently discovered that I am really good at baking!). Something has got to change. I go walking about three to four days a week but I need to start utilizing the free gym at work.

So yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly appointment. The nurse who was measuring my weight, blood pressure, etc. asked if I had ever been pregnant before (Um, hello? Just look further into my chart) and I of course said yes. She then asked how many live births I have had (Seriously lady, please just look at my chart) and I of course had to say zero. Oh well.

So far my positive outlook on life has been working for the most part. I am so thankful for all of the blessings God has given me and my husband and I need to stop obsessing over things I do not have. Easier said than done but we shall see.

Should Have

So I am still being a slacker with the layout/template of this blog but I will get around to doing it hopefully sooner rather than later. For the next four days (including today) I don't have much time because of a special little girl who takes all of my time (except for when she naps...like she's doing now).

My niece is here for a four day weekend! I get so excited when she stays with me and my husband at our house. The first reason is because I love her so much and I thoroughly enjoy spending time with her. It is so hard to believe that in a few short weeks she will be a year and a half. The second reason is because I love my sister so much and I really enjoy being able to help her out. She is traveling this weekend and I know she will have a fun time. The third reason is probably going to not sound right but watching my niece and having full responsibility for her is the closest thing I become to being a mom. Please don't get me wrong - I am not saying that I am like a mom to my niece. My sister does an outstanding job with her and is her Mommy. I am just saying that I get a great big taste of what it would be like to have a little human being rely on me for everything. And, for a brief moment, I get to forget that I should have become a mother three months ago.

I say should have with complete selfishness. Once the words "should have" and "supposed to" come out of my mouth or brain, I always think that there is no "should have". The good Lord does have a reason for me not being a mother and my husband not being a father right now. He is the One Who knows why I had only a few short weeks of being aware of my pregnancy and the little baby inside of me. I really need to stop dwelling on should have.

I guess one reason I am so optimistic today is because my precious, sweet angel of a niece really helps take my mind off of the loss.

I hope everyone has a good weekend...I know I sure will!

New Look and Sounds

Some of you (okay, all two of you who read my blog) might notice that, thanks to a friend's help, I have added a song player to my blog. The songs I have chosen are songs about my whole ordeal and how I feel.

Note: Be sure to check out the first song by Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To. This song has been so encouraging throughout high school, college and now and it just brings me back to the realization that, though I definitely do not understand why I am going through what I am going through, He has made the promise that I do not have to do it alone and that every trial, whether big or small, brings me closer to Him.

I hope to change out the songs every so often. I am also going to try to make this blog a little more attractive since I actually do have a reader or two now. Last week I tried to read up on blog backgrounds but I just don't understand how to do it (Xanga was so much easier back in the day!). Also, one thing that I learned from a Twitter workshop I attended earlier this week is that it's important to add pictures to your blog posts if you want to draw and keep readers to your blog. The social media expert also said that if you have a blog then you need titles. Titles? Great. I will try to come up with some catchy titles but I don't know if that will actually happen.

I only have two readers that I know of but I have been toying with the idea of "going public" with this blog. The only thing stopping me is I don't want some people to read my blog...like some of my family members (they just wouldn't understand) and some other people...as in some women who have had successful pregnancies. While that might sound awful (okay, while it is awful), I just don't think women who have had biological children so easily and naturally will understand my writings, rantings and thoughts. It's not something you can really understand unless you've "been there, done that". It's not something you can really understand when you have a child or multiple children and have never had to throw away your dead baby.

Anyways, hopefully my blog will slowly start to have a new look to it soon!