Kindred Spirits

July 14 has come and gone and I am okay. I was actually confused and weirded out about the fact that I wasn't crying or just so upset that day. Maybe it was because my niece had all of my attention that day. My sweet friend suggested maybe it is because my heart is healing. I am going going to contribute my non-depressive state to both of these facts.

Yesterday, a few hours after returning from my short vacation, I went to a baby shower that I was honestly dreading. I was looking forward to celebrating the friend it was for but I dreaded seeing all of the cute baby gear in pale blue and seeing someone else so happy because they have never had to experience loss. I dreaded playing the "cutesy" baby shower games and putting on a fake smile. I dreaded sitting there with people I have known for about twenty-two years and them giving me a sympathetic look when they asked, "So Mary, how are you?" (meaning, "So how is life after loss?"). I get really awkward whenever anyone asks me that question and gives me a look of sympathy. I cannot stand it.

The shower was just as awkward as I had imagined it to be. I was really quiet and tried to look at the floor whenever I could. It helped that my sister and niece were there so I was able to chat with them and also focus my attention on my niece. I did plenty of the fake smiles yesterday but all in all I am happy for the girl who the shower was for. She looked extremely happy. I used to be one of the few people who loved going to showers but I cannot stand them now - not because I'm jealous but because I cannot stand feeling awkward.

After the baby shower my husband and I went to our very first shrimp boil at one of his co-workers house. My husband started a new career about six weeks ago so we thought it would be good if we joined everyone for the shrimp boil. One of the many things that my husband and I have in common is we can both be pretty quiet in group settings. I've gotten better over the years because I have learned that I just have to force myself to socialize. It was nice meeting his co-workers and their wives/fiances. I surprised myself and chatted with a few other women for awhile. They were so nice and it was nice to be able to talk about what our husbands are going through together. During dinner, my husband and I sat out on the screened in back porch with another couple. Come to find out this other couple attends the same church that I do so that was neat to talk about. After dinner a woman around my age came out on the porch to rock her five week old baby. At one point the new mom asked if I wanted to hold the baby and I of course could not resist (I could not quit staring at the precious baby girl). While I was holding her one of my husband's co-workers commented on how natural I looked holding the baby and asked if we were going to have a baby soon. It was a very innocent comment and actually did not upset me so I just told him that we would love kids as soon as God wanted us to have them. I told him we would like them as soon as possible and that we both just love kids. I then casually mentioned that we lost one last year so the sooner the better for us. The new mom and I started talking about her baby and her pregnancy and then she asked me how far along in the pregnancy I was that I lost the baby. I told her eight weeks and then she told me, "Me too." She then went on to say how she was pregnant last summer and miscarried at eight weeks. She told me how even though she got pregnant a few months later and went on to have a healthy little girl, not a day goes by that she doesn't think of the day she miscarried and of the baby she was carrying. I really felt like this woman and this conversation were both God sent. I did not feel a bit of anger that she was able to get pregnant a few months after miscarrying. She was really open and honest with me and we got to talking about how while people run from the topic and refuse to acknowledge miscarriages, it actually helps to talk about it. We also talked about how moms who have never experienced the loss of a baby or child could never understand what we went through and will continue to go through for the rest of our lives. She also said that everyone told her that it will happen when you quit trying but that is much easier said than done because even when you finally say you aren't trying you are still looking at your chart and watch. That was really funny she mentioned that because I have thought about that a lot lately. It was so refreshing to talk with this woman I had just met about our similar experiences (she also had a natural miscarriage) - she honestly knew what I was going through!

For the most part, I'm good. I may start blogging less since I have not really felt like writing. I usually enjoy writing when I'm feeling down and I haven't been feeling all that down and depressed lately. Over the next month I will actually be helping to plan a baby shower so who knows - maybe I will be blogging like crazy. Once again, I am not going to proofread this post.