Happiness is Worth the Chance

Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end.

The above line is from a song off of the new album of my favorite band. It is such a beautiful song and yesterday evening when I heard this lyric it just hit me. Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end. This got me thinking and wondering if this statement is true or not.

In five days from today, July 14, is the day that marks the year anniversary of when my life turned upside down...the day that I joined the statistics of women who prematurely lose a baby/miscarry. I had planned to write a post on July 14 re-living that day since this is my journal and all and to just get all of my thoughts and feelings out of my mind and out on this blog. I had been debating whether to write this post or not next week since I now have readers (one to two readers that I am aware of) and I don't want to sound repetitive since, at the beginning of my blog, I re-lived that day already. Sure, there are a couple of details that are just too personal and sacred for a blog that I left out and will continue to leave out but I kind of wanted to write all my thoughts down again. Well, something ironic happened last week. Last week I was invited to go on a vacation with my family. I will be leaving the 13th which was the day I left for NYC last year. I will be gone on the 14th which means being away from my husband on the day that changed our lives forever. So, back to the point of this whole paragraph. I will not be posting a blog on the year anniversary of my baby's death. Maybe this is for the best that I will be out of town next week to take my mind off of everything. Who knows. I have considered writing an anniversary post before I leave but lately I just haven't been able to write (it really took a lot of thinking to write this jumbled post). We shall see.

Last night when I was reading my Bible before bed, the last part of the Psalm said word for word: "Wait for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14) After I finally closed my Bible I just kind of said, "Okay God, you win." I know I need to be patient so this verse was comforting. The thing that really frustrated me is that I feel like I have been patient and I feel like nothing is paying off. I know that I shouldn't think like that but it's so hard not to when everyone around me is becoming pregnant and having babies left and right. It's more like annoyance now than envy or sadness whenever I hear of someone else who is pregnant.

On a positive note, my husband is accompanying me on a road trip at the end of this month and I am so excited. He is being such a good sport and offered to go with me to see my favorite band (they are not coming here this fall to the major city I live near) who will be playing in a city about six and a half hours away. Normally I roll my eyes at the "roadies" and all of the fans who travel hundreds of miles and many, many hours to see bands. I think it's quite ridiculous; however, my husband and I have been wanting to go on a weekend trip this summer (we will be going on one in the fall/winter) and he knows that this band's music is really food for my soul. There is something about the music of this band that really soothes me and puts me on a musical high. I know my husband and I will have a good time together and it warms my heart that he is willing to see a band he dislikes (though, after he saw them in concert with me last fall he finally admitted they are talented) to make me happy. Plus, it will be fun to explore a new town together (I have been there just once and that was for a conference). In a way my vacation next week and my road trip to see a concert in a few weeks will take my mind off of things and will hopefully cleanse my heart for a little bit.