July 1

Today is July 1. I am not really sure yet how I feel about that fact.

A year ago today I was going about my life normally. While I had been trying for over a year to get pregnant I did not think it would be possible any time soon because last June it was discovered that I had some ovarian cysts (not the serious kind...whatever that means). A couple of weeks before the first of July I had some serious pain in my stomach that brought me to my knees a few times. I contributed this to the cysts possibly bursting.

On July 1 I had a follow up appointment about so they could monitor my cysts. My at-the-time boss took the whole office out to eat celebrate the start of fiscal year. We ate at one of my favorite restaurants and I was to leave directly from the restaurant to go to my appointment. It was like any other ordinary day. We got done eating early and I had some extra time to spare so I went home to shower and change clothes. I arrived at my appointment early (which is not unusual for me to do - I would rather be way early than right on time or late) so they saw me a little early. The nurse went through the basic questions and had me perform the basic procedures. After the basic procedures, she asked me to wait in the tiny little patient area where a doctor usually meets with patients. A few seconds later the same nurse came through the door with a huge smile on her face. That is when she said, "Mary, you are pregnant! Congratulations!" I was in complete shock. This was my dream come true. This is what my husband and I had been wanting and praying for. This was my purpose in life. This was the reason for me being born. Yet, somehow I was in disbelief. I had tears in my eyes when I looked up at her and asked, "Are you serious?" That is when she handed me the pregnancy test and I saw it with my very own eyes. I felt like I was in a dream. Everything was a little fuzzy and excitement and disbelief were both running through me at the same time.

While I sat there stunned, the nurse immediately gave me a hug and gave me this bag that was packed full of parenting magazines, pre-natal vitamins, information on the hospital I would deliver at, etc. I felt bad for acting so stunned so I told her, "I am so happy. This is the best news. I am just shocked and it's a little hard for me to believe." The nurse said she understood and she immediately took me back to the ultrasound room (that was the only benefit of going to this small office - the ultrasound machine, the lab, everything - was right in that little building. I was so overwhelmed because everything was happening so fast. The ultrasound technician performed an ultra sound and that is when I saw it. The cysts were gone and something much greater was there. I saw the picture that I will never forget. The techinican printed me a copy of the picture to take home. I was then whisked away to the tiny patient waiting room in the back. While I waited on the doctor for what seemed like forever (I know it was just a matter of minutes), I pulled out my cell phone and sent a text to my husband. He had been worried about my appointment that day regarding the cysts (which were no longer there) so he had sent me a text earlier asking how it was going. I responded that the cysts were gone. I sent a separate message that said, "I love you, K." I was so tempted to just tell him the amazing news right then and there but I didn't want to tell him over a text message. A few minutes later the doctor came in and congratulated me. I don't really remember what he said after that because I was in such a happy daze. They did the standard pregnancy blood work before I left and said they would call the next day with results.

I was so excited to get home and tell my husband. Many thoughts were racing through my mind. How was I going to tell him? How could I be creative and cute? Should I go by the store and get a bibb that said "I love Daddy" or something like that? As much fun as that would have been, I decided I just wanted to get home as soon as possible to just tell him. As silly as this sounds, I kept singing to myself and saying over and over, "I'm going to be a mom! I'm going to be a mom!" I was so excited that this happened on July 1 because July 4 is my favorite holiday. Now, it is not the most important holiday to me but it is my absolute favorite. I couldn't help but think that this was a perfect way to go into the 4th of July weekend.

Once I got home I found my husband on the computer looking at things to do in New York City. Two days before, we had booked a four day trip to NYC. I bent down and hugged him and when he asked about the appointment I told him, "I'm a little nervous now about going to NYC." When he asked why, I responded with, "Well, because we should be using that money to spend on our baby!" He looked at me and I don't think it registered at first. I told him again and I think it started to click. I will never forget how happy my sweet husband was and how we jumped up and down like little kids. I also told him how even though I was so incredibly happy, I also felt like this was a mix-up or a dream. I kept wondering out loud if maybe the doctor's office made a mistake and mixed up my pregnancy test with some other woman's. I kept telling him that I felt like it was too good to be true.

Little did I know what my blood work would reveal the next day and continue to reveal in the weeks to come. Little did I know that I should not have told everyone the exciting news. Little did I know that I shouldn't have gotten attached to the unborn life inside of me.

So, yeah. It's July 1 and I am still babyless. You know what? I think I am okay today. I am going to try to remain positive and keep my happy face on. What good will it do me to sulk and cry all day long? It won't improve my life to sit around and grieve and mourn and have pity on myself. I have surprised myself by not being upset so far.

I know it will all be okay. In the words of the Beatles - Let it be.