Undeserved Madness

This is going to be really hard to admit on here but recently I became really angry and mad. Not angry and mad at my my friends or family but angry and mad at God. There, I said it.

Now, over the past year I have not gotten mad at God. I have come close to getting angry but hadn't until last week. I was mad that I took all six rounds of Clomid and I couldn't even get pregnant with a baby. I was mad that I've been praying and talking with God about the desires of my heart as it says to do in Psalm but yet the desires of my heart are not happening. I was mad that a piece of my heart has been missing since last summer and that I feel like I will forever be jaded. I'm mad at people who become pregnant so easily. I was mad that I know the feeling of sadness whenever I go to a baby shower. Most of all, I was mad at the fact that I was mad with God about all of the above issues. He doesn't deserve my anger or for me to be just completely upset with Him.

As a believer, I am so embarassed that I would be mad with God but I feel like I would be very hypocritcal if I did not admit this to all (two) of you. After talking with my very dear and precious friend (thanks, Lacey!) about the triplet situation, I felt a lot better.

After hearing about several pregnancies, I was gung-ho on asking my doctor for a prescription to the medication he briefly mentioned. When I got home that afternoon I had a letter from my doctor in my mailbox. Yes, it really was written and signed by my actual doctor. In the letter he explained that after further research, he was not comfortable prescribing the medication to me after all. He said that the medication has not been around that long and there have been many complications with the medication, such as "fetus malfunctions". My guess is that the medication causes miscarriage. My doctor went on to write that the only way he would consider prescribing the medication to me is under the supervision of a specialist who I saw back in March at a fertility clinic when I went for a consultation. He didn't push it in the letter because I told him a couple of weeks ago that I would not be pursuing the fertility clinic because it is not right for me. At the end of the letter he said that he feels that I will be able to become pregnant naturally and on my own.

That is where I'm at right now. Oh, and by the way - I am no longer mad at God. That lasted for about two daysI feel so ashamed that I was mad at him in the first place.