With counting down each week and each day until our baby is born, I am starting to think about future adoptions. Kyle and I talked the other evening about when we would like to adopt a second child (assuming the fall adoption goes through)and we would like to aim for when our child is a year and a half. We will always be open to adopting a baby or toddler if a situation happens to fall into our laps between now and then but if one does not, we will start actively pursuing a second adoption in about two years.
Even though my heart is very guarded and I don't quite feel attached to our situation yet for fear of getting heart broken again, my emotions are so up and down...so very extreme one way or the other. One moment I will be in the best mood and find myself humming or being extremely happy and then a few hours later when I am by myself at home I will just randomly break down for a few minutes (and then I quickly thank God for all of our blessings and get back on the happy train again). It's like I can't control it and it weirds me out. I know it's a completely normal part of the adoption journey so that makes me feel a little bit better.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
No News Update
I imagine that this blog is going to get pretty boring to read due to the fact that our son or daughter is not due until mid September. Since we still have over three and a half months to go I don't really have any interesting or exciting updates to share. Kyle and I will be traveling at the end of June to meet our birthmom so that will definitely be an exciting experience.
I still don't feel like a mother-to-be like I did with the two failed adoptions that occured earlier this year. I guess because I had a few weeks notice in both of those past situations. I learned of our current situation with still five months to go so I guess that is partly the reason I don't truly feel like I am a mother-to-be right now. Well, that and the whole guarded issue that I am still having. I'm sure once I meet our birthmom I will be more excited and will let my guard down. I'm sure I will start falling hard because that's what I do.
I am blessed to have such a great support system made up of family and friends. I got word of a possible situation the other week on a baby who is a few months old. It would have been a private, independent adoption costing hardly anything and we would have adopted that baby in addition to the baby due in the fall. Unfortunately, that did not work out but that is okay because I keep praying for God's will to be done in everything we do and experience. I really appreciate people around me looking out for me and always keeping their eyes and ears open on any possible situations for us...it really touches my heart!
I still don't feel like a mother-to-be like I did with the two failed adoptions that occured earlier this year. I guess because I had a few weeks notice in both of those past situations. I learned of our current situation with still five months to go so I guess that is partly the reason I don't truly feel like I am a mother-to-be right now. Well, that and the whole guarded issue that I am still having. I'm sure once I meet our birthmom I will be more excited and will let my guard down. I'm sure I will start falling hard because that's what I do.
I am blessed to have such a great support system made up of family and friends. I got word of a possible situation the other week on a baby who is a few months old. It would have been a private, independent adoption costing hardly anything and we would have adopted that baby in addition to the baby due in the fall. Unfortunately, that did not work out but that is okay because I keep praying for God's will to be done in everything we do and experience. I really appreciate people around me looking out for me and always keeping their eyes and ears open on any possible situations for us...it really touches my heart!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Mother's Day Review
Mother's Day weekend was good...I think my family had fun at my house and enjoyed the food. My mom had a really great time and I could tell that it meant a lot to her that she could come to my house and not worry about fixing food or cleaning up after everyone. I really hope and pray that everythjing works out with this adoption we are planning for and that I will be able to be wished a Happy Mother's Day next year.
All weekend long, whenever I had a spare moment (which wasn't often since my precious two year old niece was with us) I kept finding myself looking at the pictures from January...the pictures of that beautiful baby girl who we had to walk away from and not sign for (I praise God that a few days after that she found her forever family!) after spending four days with her in the NICU...our first failed adoption. Those pictures really tug at my heart whenever I see them and I think of what my life would be like if we had gone through and signed. I sometimes wonder if I regret walking away but I know in the end we did the right thing for her. I sometimes wonder if God is upset with me for not going through with the adoption but then I remind myself that we prayed so hard for a very clear answer from the doctor and the next morning after speaking to the doctor we knew the answer after watching the doctor cry and explain everything to us. I wish I could delete the pictures because they show so much happiness and excitement in our faces despite our surroundings. They show so much love from us toward that little baby and yet I wonder if it would be better to just delete the pictures so that time remains only a memory. For now I think I will continue to hold on to the pictures because that was a huge part of our life and the pictures continue to remind me that God really does have a plan for us even though at the time we may not understand why things have to happen the way they do.
Apart from chasing after our sweet niece this weekend and looking at the pictures from our first failed adoption, I thought a ton about our birth mother on Sunday. I thought about her and her baby she is carrying. I can't imagine the emotions she must be feeling right now, as she is halfway through her pregnancy. We will be going to see her at the end of June and I hope to talk to her on the phone before that. I actually cannot wait to talk to her so I really hope she agrees to a conference call. I hope to get to know her but I know it will be challenging with the agency serving as the middle-man.
All weekend long, whenever I had a spare moment (which wasn't often since my precious two year old niece was with us) I kept finding myself looking at the pictures from January...the pictures of that beautiful baby girl who we had to walk away from and not sign for (I praise God that a few days after that she found her forever family!) after spending four days with her in the NICU...our first failed adoption. Those pictures really tug at my heart whenever I see them and I think of what my life would be like if we had gone through and signed. I sometimes wonder if I regret walking away but I know in the end we did the right thing for her. I sometimes wonder if God is upset with me for not going through with the adoption but then I remind myself that we prayed so hard for a very clear answer from the doctor and the next morning after speaking to the doctor we knew the answer after watching the doctor cry and explain everything to us. I wish I could delete the pictures because they show so much happiness and excitement in our faces despite our surroundings. They show so much love from us toward that little baby and yet I wonder if it would be better to just delete the pictures so that time remains only a memory. For now I think I will continue to hold on to the pictures because that was a huge part of our life and the pictures continue to remind me that God really does have a plan for us even though at the time we may not understand why things have to happen the way they do.
Apart from chasing after our sweet niece this weekend and looking at the pictures from our first failed adoption, I thought a ton about our birth mother on Sunday. I thought about her and her baby she is carrying. I can't imagine the emotions she must be feeling right now, as she is halfway through her pregnancy. We will be going to see her at the end of June and I hope to talk to her on the phone before that. I actually cannot wait to talk to her so I really hope she agrees to a conference call. I hope to get to know her but I know it will be challenging with the agency serving as the middle-man.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Jumbled Thoughts
I've been in a really bad mood these past two days and I don't know why. At first I thought maybe it's because Mother's Day is coming up this Sunday and I am still not yet a mother...but honestly I don't think that's it. My sister is on a vacation so my niece is staying the weekend with us so I know she will keep my thoughts preoccupied! She stayed with us last Mother's Day weekend as well and we had a blast. I can't wait until she arrives at our house because then I know my weird mood will go away. This will be the 4th year that I host my family's annual Mother's Day get together at my house and I am looking forward to celebrating our moms.
I think maybe my paranoia about our match is making me a bit frustrated and crazy. It's also making me emotional where I tear up and cry easily just thinking about everything. I am very grateful for our match and I'm still trying to allow myself to be excited but it's hard when all I feel is scared and nervous. All of those fears of what happened with the last match just keep coming back. I know it's normal to be fearful but this fear has been driving me absolutely crazy for the past couple of days. I keep praying that God will calm my heart on this. I know this is where I need to take a deep breath and just put my trust in Him completely. I need to trust that this is God's will and that this is our baby so I need to just stop thinking negatively. Our birthmom is exactly halfway through her pregnancy now so we still have half way to go. Kyle and I will be going to visit her in June so that will be an exciting time. I hope to get to talk to her on a conference call before then.
I think maybe my paranoia about our match is making me a bit frustrated and crazy. It's also making me emotional where I tear up and cry easily just thinking about everything. I am very grateful for our match and I'm still trying to allow myself to be excited but it's hard when all I feel is scared and nervous. All of those fears of what happened with the last match just keep coming back. I know it's normal to be fearful but this fear has been driving me absolutely crazy for the past couple of days. I keep praying that God will calm my heart on this. I know this is where I need to take a deep breath and just put my trust in Him completely. I need to trust that this is God's will and that this is our baby so I need to just stop thinking negatively. Our birthmom is exactly halfway through her pregnancy now so we still have half way to go. Kyle and I will be going to visit her in June so that will be an exciting time. I hope to get to talk to her on a conference call before then.
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