A year ago today my husband and I boarded a plane and flew to New York City. It was my husband's first trip there. We went with the knowledge that, according to every doctor we saw, our baby would exit this world. I was nieve and thought that maybe, just maybe, I would be one of those women you hear about who is told that she is losing her baby but in the end a miracle would happen. When I went back in for an ultra sound on the day they told me my baby was dying, I saw the growth of the baby with my own eyes - it was undeniable, even the doctor and technician commented on how the fetus had grown in a week. Of course, there was no heart beat which is the worst sound any expected mother can hear. You try to make your ears hear something...anything...but all you hear is silence.
So, yeah. A year ago today my husband and I landed in the busy city of NYC. While my pain had really kicked up a great deal I decided that after we checked into our hotel and had a nap, we would still explore the city that evening. Our hotel was unbelievable. Even though I would have preferred old, historic and charming, our hotel was modern, ultra chic and completely hip. It's kind of like something you would see in a movie. Going up the escalator to get to the lobby was an ultra hip experience within itself. The hotel was dark so the side panels of the escalator were neon yellow lights and then once in the lobby it is hard to describe. At night they have a night club in the restaurant connected to the lobby to give you somewhat of an idea of this place (by the way, we booked this hotel with priceline.com so we did not purposely pick out a hotel with a night club). Our room, like any NYC hotel room, was really tiny but really pretty. After a nap we set out to explore Times Square followed by the Upper East Side. I might add that our hotel was a good 16-20 blocks away from Times Square and a little bit further to the Upper East Side...and we walked (we eventually rode the subway coming back from the Upper East Side but we are that couple who loves to walk. In fact, I usually power walk everywhere). I was a little slower than usual (the second day we were there I think I moved at the pace of a 90 year old woman) and while I was miserable, I tried to smile because my sweet husband was taking the city in for the first time.
A year ago tomorrow I lost my baby. Now, while I believe my baby had died a day or two prior the miscarriage, I lost my baby for god a year ago tomorrow. I remember the whole day too well. We woke up and had planned to visit the luxurious Fifth Avenue which was not all that far from our hotel. We also planned on walking through Central Park. I woke up with labor pains (yes, this actually happens with a woman has a natural miscarriage) but at the time I did not know they were called labor pains. I just knew it felt like I was dying on a bed in a hotel room in NYC. I tried to lay down thinking that maybe the pains would go away eventually. All I could do was cry, moan and lay there. I even tried tossing and turning to see if that would subside the pain. While my husband was in the shower I forced myself to get up off of the bed and get dressed. I remember asking him to please finish his shower soon because I needed to go to the hospital (the night before we had discovered that a hospital was just a few blocks down the street from our hotel...talk about that being a work of God!) to have a D & C done. Now, I was all against having a D & C done from the start though I was offered one two different times by two different doctors. I won't go into the full medical explanation of what a D & C is but it is basically when they go in and get the dead fetus and its sac/the leftovers from your body. It is not an abortion though most hospitals will label it on the bill as one (I think that is so cruel to label it like that even on a bill). I am against abortion in all cases. A D & C is not an abortion but I still could not even begin to think of disposing of my baby like that. It would have been much easier and faster than having a natural miscarriage and a lot less painful. Well, the morning of the 14th I had decided that the pain was way too great and I was losing way too much blood to wait any longer. I decided I had to get off of my high horse and just have the procedure since I knew the short life of my baby was already over. I ended up not having to have a D & C (praise the Lord) because about two minutes before walking out of the hotel room I saw the dead fetus. I'm leaving out some parts but I will say that, though I was in a state of shock, I do remember looking at the fetus and really examining it before throwing it away. Kyle offered to hail a cab but try to stay away from cabs if possible. We walked the few blocks to the emergency room and I was admitted right away. Once I was back in the hospital room I was assigned a male nurse who was really nice. I was adament about not crying in front of anyone (I don't like to cry in front of others) and I remember the nurse telling me over and over that it was okay to cry and it would even be good for me to cry. I just couldn't. I just kept staring off into space. I was at the hospital for four hours. My mom told me she was going to book a plane ticket that day so she could be with me and Kyle. I remember telling Kyle to please tell her thank you for the nice offer but no, we needed to do this with just eachother. She was really adament but in the end respected our wishes (sure, I would have given anything for my mom to just fly up there and be with us but I knew I was grown now and married and I knew in my heart that this was something my husband and I needed to get through together). She and my dad did say that if it had been anyone else with me then my mom would have flown up there anyway but they know my husband very well and know that he truly takes care of me.
After going back to the hotel and taking a shower my husband suggested we fly home so I could be more comfortable. I told him that this was still our vacation and we were going to make the best of it. I secretly wanted to go home but I felt like we were already there and had already paid for everything so we needed to stay there. Plus I really didn't want to look at my family and friends in the eyes because I was so humiliated. We ended up going to FAO Schwarz, where we were originally going to get our baby his or her first stuffed animal, to get our niece a stuffed animal. My husband even tried to get me to go into other stores along Fifth Avenue, including Tiffany's. He told me he wanted to buy me a necklace but I told him no way. We went in Tiffany's just so he could see what it was like in there but I told him I would rather have a necklace later on and not from Tiffany's (for our anniversary a few months later he gave me a beautiful necklace). We even tried to walk through Central Park for a bit. The next day we went to the Empire State Building and the NY Public Library (one of my favorite places to visit in New York).
So, a year ago today I will not be headed to NY but I will be headed to the beach. A year ago tomorrow I will not be in NY miscarrying my baby but I will be at the beach with some of my family.
Surprisingly I am okay. I have not cried today and I don't believe I will. Yesterday I went into a complete daze and am still in one, but it's not a depressed daze. I guess I just can't believe it's already been a year. This past year has been a rough year and I've done a lot of crying over the past year but I think I am to the point where, though I will always grieve the loss of my baby and feel scorned and will always take offense to idiotic comments people make (or even innocecent comments), I know I am going to be okay. My husband and I are closer than ever and I thank God for him multiple times a day. I feel like I have an appreciation for life that other mothers who have never experienced losing a child cannot even begin to feel. Yes, I get really annoyed whenever I hear of someone else who is pregnant and hear other women talk about their pregnancies, but I think that's okay that I get annoyed. I'm a little sad, mad and yet glad that no one seems to remember the year anniversary of when I lost my baby. I'm sad and mad because I feel like it's such a memorable and traumatizing event but then I have to remember that it was just memorable and traumatizing for me - not for my family and friends (well, I know they were sad for me). I know it's not of great importance to anyone but me and my husband. I'm glad no one remembers because I wouldn't know how to react if anyone said anything to me about it.
In the end though, I guess I am okay. By the way, this post probably has quite a bit if misspellings and grammatical errors. I wrote all but this last paragraph early this morning and I am not going to even bother proofreading it.
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