It's funny how my mind and heart work. I was doing so well and feeling such a peace about everything. I still feel a great peace about it and I know in my heart that we did the right thing - I know that God gave us an answer that was so loud and clear. I think I have had a mild set back, though.
I just saw a picture that was taken today of that sweet girl, baby Marlee (that is what her new family has named her). She is still in the NICU but she doesn't have wires all over her body. She has some attached to her hand and nose but that's it from what I can see. Her head is not wrapped up. She has a pink headband/bow in her hair. She has a sweet little shirt on and a pretty pink chrocheted blanket over her. She's gotten bigger since we last saw her. Her face is already growing out of the newborn look. She looks so much different. Her eyes don't look tired (even when they were closed she looked so exhausted). Her nose and little lips are the same. She has the same lips as her birthmom and her brother. She also shares a nose with her brother. She has stuffed animals around her. She has stuffed animals around her. Her little cheeks are a light pink. I cannot help but cry.
I think back to the sweet little headbands/bows that we bought her on the first day of the new year. I was so excited with visions of putting them in her hair for the first time. I remember thinking about which color I was gong to put on her for the first time. I think about all of the baby clothes - preemie and newborn sizes - that are still in my car. The packed diaper bag is still in there as well.
She looks so perfect. I know she is still sick but goodness gracious, she is beautiful. She looks so peaceful.
This is going to sound awful but two days ago I actually deleted her pictures from my phone. I still have pictures on my camera but I deleted the ones off of my phone and I felt good about doing that. It's not that I don't want to remember her because I am always going to remember her. I just felt like it was time to delete them and I didn't feel guilty about doing so.
I am not handling seeing this new picture of her very well. I don't know why it's hitting me like this when I've been so happy. I'm still at peace because I know she has a family who can take care of her extreme medical needs. I think I am just sad for myself right now. Sad that I'm not the one putting the bows on her. Sad that she isn't mine to put sweet onesies on. Sad that each and every day I look at my empty stroller and my empty carseat just waiting to be filled. I keep having dreams of babies. I keep having dreams that we meet the child that is meant to be ours. Every night I look into the empty bassinet. I'm not sure if I'm halfway expecting for a baby to be in there but I cannot help but look every night before I go to bed.
Praise God for taking care of that sweet baby girl and God bless the family who is officially hers.
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