By His Grace

I've had my ups and my downs this week. Weekly I find out of someone else who is pregnant. Today I burst into tears while talking to my friend. I do not cry in front of others (except Kyle) so this was a pretty embarrassing ordeal for me.

Tomorrow we leave for a nice family vacation. I am really looking forward to it and the hopeful in me is kind of optimistic because we are going to Disney World...the most magical place on earth.

I am also very frustrated right now. I've been on Clomid for the past 3 months (I just finished my 3rd round of Clomid) and this last time I called the nurse and asked her to up my prescription to at least 100 mg. It was not my normal nurse because she was on vacation. This new nurse who I have not dealt with before asked a different doctor (my doctor was also out on vacation) and the doctor said no, keep it at 50 mg for now. Well, I am beginning to really get upset because I've done my research on Clomid and a woman can only take 6 rounds of Clomid...and if they have not gotten pregnant by the 3rd round then it looks really doubtful. I also read that the highest amount a doctor can prescribe is up to 200 mg. I think if this cycle didn't work then I am going to call my regular nurse/doctor and beg them to put me to at least 150 mg. It's almost a feeling of desperation. I am tired of feeling disappointed month after month. My miscarriage has been haunting me like crazy. I keep thinking of how happy Kyle and I were to find out that we were going to be parents. Then I keep thinking of both of us just sobbing when I came home to tell him that I was probably going to lose the baby. The image in my mind of me tossing and turning on the bed in the hotel room in New York not knowing that it was only a matter of minutes before I would birth our very, very early unborn child. The image of the fetus will forever stick in my head. I know that ultimately it's up to God and not medicine on me being fertile and being with child.

I am one who believes that there are way too many paranoid people in this world. I used to make fun of women who took all of the extra, wacky precautions because they were pregnant (not eating deli meat, hot dogs, soft serve ice cream, etc.). Well, I know that if/when I get pregnant again, I am going to be right there in the statistical numbers of paranoid maniacs trying to do anything I can to make sure I have a healthy baby. This sounds morbid and while I would never, ever wish upon my worst enemy that they lose a baby, I think people would have a better and deeper appreciation if they had to go through losing their baby.

Alright, this has been another scattered post.