By His Grace

Well, the magic of Disney did not work this past cycle. That just shows me even more to rely on God.

I talked to the nurse yesterday about increasing my dosage of Clomid. I told her that I've done my research and I know I only have 3 more rounds of Clomid until the rounds just stop. I asked her to increase it from 50 mg to 150 and let her know that I feel desperate. Yes, I actually used the word desperate. She said that my doctor is out of town until Thursday but to call her today and she will try her best to get in touch with him so he can hopefully give her the go ahead to increase the dosage.

I've been thinking a lot lately about adoption. I know this is kind of rushing things since we've "only" been trying to have a child for 2 years and since I am "only" 25 years old. I put the word "only" in quotation marks because I know this is how some people view my situation but honestly, everyone is different. I turn 25 years old next week and while I know that Kyle and I are still very young, 2 years is a long time for us to be trying to have a child in my opinion. I know I've "only" had one miscarriage and "only" had one pregnancy, but still. No one else but me has to go through this feeling of self doubt like it is my fault that I cannot get pregnant and it is my fault that I lost our baby (no one has ever told me that anything is my fault...that is just how I feel sometimes). I keep wondering well what if I had found out sooner that I was pregnant in the summer...could I have prevented a miscarriage? I know the answer is no since I miscarried pretty early on. I know there was something wrong with my baby from the beginning because of the beta levels and the progesterone levels. I keep thinking well what if I did not participate in the Peachtree Road a couple of days after I found out I was pregnant? I know that has nothing to do with it, either.

My due date month is coming up in 2 months - March (not exactly sure of the due date but I know it's March). I can't believe that right now I should be 7 months pregnant. I know I need to stop thinking like that but I cannot help it. Kyle and I are going to try to go to California in March. I know that is not the best time weather-wise to go...but honestly, I just want something to take my mind off of everything that month.