By His Grace

"Do I regret telling people?" is a question I always ponder on. In a way, no. I am not ashamed of what happened nor am I humiliated anymore. It's a fact of life. I lost our baby. I LOST OUR BABY. I just don't like the sympathetic looks and awkward silences that I feel it sometimes brings about. At the same time (and contradicting what I just said), I also feel mad sometimes when I feel like people refuse to acknowledge what happened. It's like everyone's scared to talk about it. I've actually had only one friend ask me how I am doing since losing the baby, and that happened today. It was almost refreshing that he asked me about it.

Many people in the past 2.5 (almost 3) months have told Kyle and sometimes myself that it is completely normal to lose the first baby. Even the second, third, fourth, fifth, and so on. I know they are trying to be encouraging, but I do not want to hear about someone who has had 7 miscarriages. To be that is not uplifting nor encouraging. It also scares me even more! I also get furious whenever I see women either out in public or on Facebook who complain about their morning sickness, pregnancy related cramps, weight gain, etc. I would give anything to have all of that morning sickness, cramps, weight gain, etc. related to a pregnancy. It always feels like a slap on my face whenever someone complains about that kind of stuff. Am I selfish for feeling like this? Maybe. Honestly I'm not really sure. I do know that if God ever gives me the awesome blessing of carrying my child again, that I will welcome any morning sickness, etc. that might come my way.

Last night at the ball park while I was watching Kyle's softball game, a lady showed up who I hadn't seen in 6 months. When I met her for the first time 6 months ago at his basketball game, she asked me when I was due. At that point I was not yet pregnant, just over weight I guess. She later said she didn't feel so bad about that awkward question because she overheard my conversation with someone else about how I would love to have a child sooner than later.
Well, last night she asked if I remembered her and I politely said I did. She then asked, "So how is the baby making going?" I'm a little surprised at my reaction, but I just calmly stated, "Well, since I last saw you I got pregnant but then lost the baby this summer." I wasn't as angry as I thought I would have been. I was in awe that someone would be that rude to ask me such a personal question. She then stated that she too lost a "little peanut" between her 2 oldest children (she has 3 gorgeous little girls). At the end of the game when I was leaving, she told me she was praying for me. I did appreciate the kind words, I think I was just in shock of her manner.

I'm so glad I have such a gracious God. It is by His Grace that I can wake up each morning and know that everything will be alright. He has given me an amazing husband, a wonderful home, a supportive family, great friends...I know one day in His time again He will give me a baby. It's easier for me to say that statement rather than hear someone tell me that. I know people are just trying to be encouraging, but sometimes I wish they would not say things like that since they don't know what it's like.

I know these posts are all over the place...that's pretty much how my thoughts are these days.