Just waiting.

Lately I feel like my adoption journey has been kind of like the ending of the movie The Truman Show. You know, where Truman is paddling or sailing (I can't really remember) on a boat in the ocean trying to get away and all of the sudden what looks like the sky rips and he realizes the ocean is not really an ocean but just a television set. He came so close to escaping but his journey soon came to an abrupt end.

Okay, so I know my adoption journey is not really like that because I know it will not come to an abrupt end. It just seems that each time we get a match or a potential match or even a potential son or daughter that as soon as we can almost say we are parents something happens and a tear is made in our hearts. Or it seems like we are stuck behind a sliding glass window that is so clean and clear that you can't even tell it's glass...and right when we run up to it it knocks us back and leaves us bruised.

Some of you know by now that we were going to be presented this past Tuesday on a baby boy due mid to late September. Some of you also know by now that that precious baby boy was born a month early on Monday night. We were still presented along with two other families on Tuesday and the birthmom was going to wait to choose a family at signing. Well, some issues have come up with the birthfather and so that is the only hold up. Kyle and I were feeling pretty confident that this was our son and when we have talked to eachother about the situation this week we have used the term "our son" and saying how we just want to hop in the car and drive down to meet "our son". Yes, we are very much attached to this baby boy even though we just learned about him and his birthmom last week. We were attached to him even before we knew he was going to be born a month early. Since we learned of his early birth we have debated on names and we narrowed it down to two and then we finally narrowed it down to one (the names we both agreed on were Luke and Milo. I left the decision up to Kyle and at first he was leaning toward Milo but thankfully he decided Luke is to be our son's name). Anyways, all of these feelings and talk are really kind of dangerous of us to get this attached to this baby boy and this situation because 1) we are one of three families being presented to the birthmom and she could choose a family other than us and 2) the birthfather may very well parent this child.

So...we kind of feel like we are stuck behind a glass door where we can see what we have been waiting for but the glass is in our way and it is knocking us back.

I feel really bad for my darling husband because this is the first time he has gotten attached to a situation (not counting the baby we had to walk away from back in January). The fact that this baby is a boy is not what has made Kyle so attached. I think the fact that this situation just felt right to both of us is what has made him claim this child as his son. Even though it hurts me so much to see my husband's heart hurting, it has been a relief to finally see my husband attached to a potential match. He finally is feeling what I have been feeling all this year whenever we had a match or a potential match. He is finally feeling the same anxiety that I have been feeling all this time. Everytime his phone rings he gets into a panic and gets sick to his stomach just waiting on his phone to ring.

We, along with our family and friends, have been praying all week for this boy and for this boy to be our son if this is God's will. I sure hope we find out soon either way.

For the most part Kyle and I have remained quiet about this situation on purpose. We are really tired of being hurt and hurting our loved ones everytime we get excited about a situation only for it to not work out.

No matter what happens and what the decision is with this baby boy we are going to praise our mighty God. We will praise him when we are glad and when we are sad because we know that He has a plan for us and His plan is too awesome for us to understand or see right away sometimes.