By His Grace

It's almost the end of February and I am the same as I was last month...barren...without child in my womb.

I did my 5th round of clomid at the beginning of this month meaning that in March is my 6th and final round since the doctors only allow 6 rounds. Well, I have made a decision not to do the 6th round. I know I've come all this way with the rounds but not one has helped (obviously).

A few weeks ago I did something that I never thought I would do (because I never thought I would have to come to the point of considering this): I made an appointment at a fertility clinic for a consultation on an IUI. I never understood how some women could get to the point of desperation to go to one of these money making, baby producing offices. I now understand and I do not hold judgement. So I scheduled the appointment at a swanky office in a swanky town (all three of their offices are in swanky areas). That was intimidating in itself. I would be meeting with a doctor (or even several doctors over the course of time) who didn't know me but would try to get to know me and who I would be at their mercy and the mercy of the clinic to get the IUIs done monthly. Now, there was a couple of weeks earlier this month when I felt like this was my only hope in my husband and I being able to have a child. That was really intimidating and gave me an unsettling feeling. Also, even though my husband and I were prepared educated on all of the expenses - $310 for the consultation and then at least $1,200 for each IUI), I just kept feeling wrong about it. A day after I scheduled the appointment and looked over all of the paperwork that the fertility office emailed to me, I canceled the appointment.

The reason I canceled the appointment was not because of the location of the offices or the doctors that might tell me I need to lose weight to have a better chance of getting pregnant (ummm, hello? I've seen plenty of those "I'm Obese and Pregnant" shows on TLC to know that is not the case). The reasons I will not be going to this fertility clinic or any fertility clinic are because I felt like 1) I was depending on a doctor's office to create the gift of life in me and essentially do something that only God can really do and 2) I felt like I would be gambling. Now I know that we have modern medicine to help us and that it's not bad. I do not condemn people who choose to use modern medicine and procedures to get pregnant. I am just not comfortable with it. A child is a gift from God, not from Doctor Sew-and-sew. I am not a gambling woman and do not intend to start being one. The procedures are expensive (much less expensive than IVF but they can still slowly add up) and you are not even guaranteed with IUI to become pregnant. I believe I read you have as high as a 26% chance of becoming pregnant with IUI if you are under the age of 30 (which I am).

I am going off all medications (except pre-natal vitamins since those can only help me...I kind of like the fact that my nails grow fast!) and I am going to quit routinely going to the doctor's office to see what is wrong or see if they can up my dosage. Some might see me not taking my last round of Clomid as throwing away all of these months that I've been on the medication. I see it as finally really giving it all to God and not just saying I am. I will be honest - it wasn't an easy decision to admit that I wasn't giving everything over to God and it wasn't a super easy decision to just "give up" on my own. But I am so happy with my decision to cancel that appointment and truthfully a little relieved to not rely on medicaton for one more month.

I know I can become pregnant - that is what boggles my mind. I know that I will be an awesome mother and K will be an awesome father - that is what I don't understand why we lost our baby and are childless. But I am still holding onto God's hand and still hoping that he chooses to bless us with a miracle of our own.

I know God plans for some people to be adoptive parents. Whether this is his plan for me and K only time will tell. I still like to dream of the day I will be with child. But I am definitely not opposed to adopting a child...I think that would be fabulous (before K and I got married we talked about how we would like several biological children and then once they were in their teens we would like to adopt a baby).

In less than a week is the month of March which means my expected due month.