I'm still in a super excited mode. I have been humming a lot lately (even in public without realizing it) and singing to myself whenever I walk outside between office buildings. I've even been listening to some fun songs on my way to work in the mornings and dancing in my seat in the car. Total happiness has taken over and I really cannot keep it in any longer.
While I am really happy and excited, I know part of me will be sad in a couple of weeks. Even though our birthmom has made it clear she is going to be firm on her adoption plan, I'm sure it will be a really sad day for her. What will be the happiest day of my life will be the saddest day of her life. I know part of me, through my rejoicing and happiness, will feel really bad and sad. This amazing young lady doesn't deserve to feel unhappiness or grief. I know it's part of the process but I just know I am going to feel bad. This young lady is funny (actually, she's hilarious!), sweet and beautiful. I want her to feel treasured and loved. Even though I've only met her once so far, I love her. I really do. I know someone who has not gone through this process cannot understand how you can love someone you barely know...but you just can. I love the person she is and what she is doing for us. I love the baby girl inside of her. I love that she's giving this baby life, even if she found out too late and really had no other choice (and I love how God works that way). I love that she has made an adoption plan for this soon-to-be-born child. I love that she picked us to be the parents of this baby. I love that she likes me. I love that we really got along so well and shared many laughs. I love how easy she is to talk to. I love that she has taken responsibility. I love that, even though she is very young, she asked me some intense questions that most adults would never even think to ask. I love her happy spirit. I love her.
On a lighter note, I feel so full of life. The nights are the hardest whenever Kyle is working and is not home. All I think about is "The Call" and am just waiting on it. I have been making myself go to bed earlier than usual lately because all I want to do is speed up the day. I figure if I go to bed sooner it will be another day that has passed meaning one day closer to a very emotional and joyous day. My heart races every time my phone starts ringing. I can't wait to meet our Caroline Grace.
Oh yeah. After much contemplating, we decided on the name Caroline Grace. We will use the name Penelope ("Penny") for a future daughter. We even liked the name Fiona, but after looking up the meaning of it it just wouldn't be appropriate for our daughter. It would be highly inappropriate and honestly, it would be cruel to name her that. So yeah, again, another future child. Okay, back to Caroline Grace. As I've mentioned before, Caroline is in honor of my mom. My mom's name is Carol so we decided Caroline would still be honoring her. I am going to brag a little here and say that anyone who has met my mom instantly loves her. She is the sweetest woman you will ever meet and is just so amazing and truly lives her life for the Lord. She has always taken care of her children, parents, and family members. My mom is a breath of fresh air and is who I strive to be like. We decided on the middle name Grace. Ann just didn't flow right with Caroline and while I really wanted to honor my Grandmother (I miss her so much!) whom I was also very close to, I figured a future daughter could have Ann as a middle name. So we really felt like Grace was very appropriate and, most importantly, honoring God. It is by His grace (hence my blog name) that we have been able to be on this amazing journey. Sure, the steps leading up to adoption and this adoption in general have been trying, sad, heartbreaking, exruciating, etc. But the steps have also been encouraging, eye opening and wonderful. God has been so gracious to love us and allowing us to start building our family through the amazing gift of adoption. I cannot even begin to tell you how honored we feel that God has chosen us to become parents through adoption. Secretly, I feel a little sorry for people who either don't get to or just choose not to to experience adoption (and I do understand that adoption is not for everyone...but I still feel sorry for them).
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