Here is what happened.

All of the details of the case are just absurd and crazy - because Olivia's birthmom filed an injunction/restraining order against the birthfather right after we gained custody of Olivia, the file was in a family violence and family law court - not an adoption court. The judge who oversaw the restraining order and the custody hearings is new to that particular county and she had never worked on an adoption case before nor was she familiar with adoption law (which was a huge problem and issue). Normally if a judge is not familiar with adoption law during a contested adoption case they would transfer it/redirect the hearing to an actual adoption court (I guess that makes too much sense). This lady could care less and the agency lawyer told us that as soon as the contested hearing started the judge didn't even care to hear what the agency lawyer or Olivia's birthmom had to say. Olivia's birthmom was there to testify but the judge did not care. Everyone was completely shocked this is how it turned out. All of the adoption professionals we are working with (agency, consultant, etc) said this is the worst and most bizarre case they have ever seen (our agency has been open for 20 years). The judge said she was only going to go off of what was on the birth certificate and since the birthfather's name was on the birth certificate the case was closed and she said it is no longer an adoption case. The only reason the birthfather contested the adoption was because his mom made him do it. His mom wanted the state benefits/welfare that come with having more kids. The birthfather also admitted to Rachel (birthmom) that it was a control and power thing and he was going to "show" Rachel for having him arrested back in May (he pushed her out of a moving car when she was 7 months pregnant) and for putting a restraining order against him (oh, the same judge who granted Olivia's birthdad custody also granted Olivia's birthmom a restraining order against him the month before...um, yeah). The day he won in court he told Rachel he was going to start hitting her up for child support. It's just sad. I feel so sorry for Olivia and I am scared for her. The birthfather and his mom are scary people. They have so many arrest records for crazy/bad stuff. And, it is speculated they deal drugs out of their house. It is also a good possibility that much prostitution goes on out of the house. But, even though Rachel signed adoption papers that terminated her rights since the judge ruled that this was not an adoption hearing those papers can legally be destroyed and Rachel can fight for her rights back. I am hoping and praying she gets her rights back and regains custody of Olivia. Rachel was so selfless and loved Olivia so much that she was only trying to do what was best for her. Even though it was hard for her to place Olivia for adoption she told me to my face that she was so happy that Olivia was going to be with us and be far away from that town. She is a sweet girl who has had such a tragic year.

It was so sad and heartbreaking when we had to drive down to the agency and then literally hand her over to them. I lost it in their office. I told myself I was going to remain strong but as soon as we got out of the car all I could do was just lean up against the back of the car and try to catch my breath.

Once we walked into the office the sobs and snot were uncontrollable (you know, the really ugly crying). I kept telling Olivia that I love her so much and even though she would not remember us at all I would always remember her. As much as I wanted to be ugly to Olivia's birthdad and birthgrandmother (thankfully we never had to see them) and make him start from complete scratch and see just how expensive a baby actually is, we packed a bag with a big can of formula and some clothes and some decorations and some books. We did not have to do this and no one told us to do this but we just felt in our hearts that was only the right thing to do. I handed her over to the sweet coordinator and kissed Olivia's head and even though the coordinator and lawyer asked us to sit down for a while I told them we had to leave immediately. I was not trying to be rude (a few minutes later I called and apologized to the coordinator but she said there was absolutely nothing to apologize for) or disrespectful but I knew the longer I stayed in that office with Olivia the more likely I would have taken her and maybe somehow end up in Canada. But, I know God has a purpose for this and I am at peace. I think it's hard for some people to believe that I am really at peace with it but that is the straight truth. I would never, ever want anyone to have to go through something like this because honestly it will either totally break your faith or completely shake it up in the best of ways. It has been very easy for me to see how amazing our God is despite what has happened. We prayed so hard for His will to be done and it was done indeed. It was by His grace that we were able to be parents (even if it was for a short time) and be a mom and dad to a sweet, beautiful baby girl named Olivia.

What is kind of ironic is whenever I did say Olivia's name it just did not sound right coming out of my mouth. Olivia is a beautiful name but it never sounded right for our daughter. I know that might sound completely absurd but that is something I always thought about.

While we are at peace and feel so blessed with everything God has done for us, I still cannot bring myself to re-organize the nursery. The nursery room is crammed full of stuff and looks like time just stood still (what I really mean to say is it looks like we are hoarders). After we returned from Florida my sweet husband took everything baby related (strollers, toys, etc.) and just put it all in the room so we did not have to constantly see it. A few weeks ago I finally went into the nursery and washed all of the clothes that were in the hamper.

Even though it's been just over 5 weeks (I think) since Olivia left us, it seems like it happened years ago. I can't really explain it but I feel like we parented her years ago. Maybe it's because after we dropped her off I had to tell myself that she died and we buried her (I am not trying to be a sicko...that is just how it felt and what everything symbolized to me). But whatever it is even though the memory is still fresh in my mind it feels like it is turning into a very distant memory.

Okay, this is probably the most jumbled and all-over-the-place post I have ever written. The first paragraph is copied from an email I wrote to my sister-in-law. I figured I couldn't type it again any better so there you go. I'll try to start getting better again about updating. It honestly kept slipping my mind to update.