All morning and afternoon yesterday I was as cool as a cucumber - I wasn't nervous at all for our home study like I thought I would be and I was just so ready to meet our social worker.

About 45 minutes before the social worker arrived, I started to become a nervous wreck. Our house was clean and I had cookies baking in the oven but I was still paranoid that something would be out of place or we would have missed cleaning a spot. I also started to panic thinking maybe she wouldn't like us. It kind of reminds me of how I was on our wedding day. I was playing it cool all day and feeling great, but then as my bridesmaids were walking in and I was still "concealed" in a different room, I started to panic (I wasn't in a panic about marrying Kyle...I was in a panic about having to walk in front of everyone and all eyes being on me). I started to psych myself out so badly that I was feeling like I was going to faint (fainting is not all that uncommon for me so I know the feeling very well). That's how I started to feel yesterday. As soon as I opened the door I could tell that I really had nothing to worry about, even though I was probably nervous for the first 30 minutes of our visit. It went great, though, and it was almost as if we were just chatting with an old friend. I have found a little humor in the fact that we were so worried about everything being so clean and in its perfect place but the actual walk-through inspection lasted less than a two minutes.

The next step is for us to do invididual interviews with the social worker. I'm looking forward to that but I know Kyle is a little nervous about that one because he doesn't really like to talk to people he's not all that familiar with. I know he will do great, though. I should know in the next couple of days when our individual interviews are. Tomorrow is going to be a big day for us because tomorrow we will send in the contract, etc. to the consultant. I know it's just a simple act of mailing something but this simple act is going to change our lives. This is going to allow us to fulfill our passion and purpose of being parents. Yes, we have to wait until January to become active with the consultant because that's when her new round starts but just knowing we have a place with her starting in January is just so thrilling!

I've had a little writer's block lately and I honestly don't enjoy writing as much as I used to. The purpose of this blog was for a form of self therapy for me. I haven't needed that self therapy for a few months now and it's just getting harder to write. When it comes to writing, I've always been best at it when I have strong feelings of sadness going on in my life. When I was in high school I was able to produce poems one after the other. Losing a child last year brought back some of the writing (I would say writing skills but I don't write nearly as well as I used to). I never thought I would say this...let me preface what I am going to say by saying that I would never wish upon anyone that they experience the loss of a child. It's horrible. It consumes you. It makes you feel like a complete failure. It makes you feel desperate. It makes you feel like there will never be a sunny day again. It makes you skeptical and cynical. It makes you dislike people. Okay, so what I am going to say is that I am glad that I went through that experience. I am glad Kyle and I went through that experience together. If it wasn't for that we would not be pursuing adoption so early (well, 3 years is not exactly newlywed status, though) in our marriage. I feel like the reason everything happened last year was so God could open our eyes and say that yes, while we are meant to be parents right now He has a different plan for how we are going to become parents.

Okay, I said I had writers block but now my head is full of ideas.

Our home study was rescheduled twice last week due to the social worker being sick. Tomorrow will be our home visit so we are excited and ready for that.

Last week our adoption profile books came in the mail that I created online. Though they are super cute, they are super small. I am really disappointed with the size of them. I thought I was being smart by ordering 3 of the medium books instead of 2 of the large books for the same price. I believe I outsmarted myself. The so-called "medium" size is tiny...I would really hate to see what the small looks like. Oh well. I sent off one of the books today to the resource center even though I'm still not counting on that to go anywhere. I just wanted them to have it just in case.

On Friday we are going to send in the form and the check to officially sign with the consultant for January! I am so ready for that. We have the nursery ready and I have emailed all of the daycares around my area to ask them how much they will charge for an infant to be in daycare for 1-2 days per week (thank goodness for a husband who has a fantastic work schedule!). So far only one day care (out of about 5 or so) has emailed me back...and I emailed them all two weeks ago. The one that emailed me back is a Christian day care but they, of course, are too expensive. In December I will call day care places and also look into in-home child care places.

Our social worker emailed me this morning and asked if we can reschedule the home visit and move it to Thursday. She is very sick as is the rest of her family. I told her no problem. I was really excited to go ahead and have the home visit tomorrow but this gives us some extra time not to rush and stress and stay up late getting everything perfect.

I also emailed the consultant this morning and told her that we will be moving forward and signing with her so I need to mail in those forms probably next week. I cannot wait!

We have a nursery and it looks so cute (so far). Yesterday Kyle spent 3 hours painting the small room a really nice yellow. Last Thursday our furniture came in and a week ago we purchased the bedding. I love it and have a feeling I will be spending a lot of time in there even before we get matched.

When I was typing my blog entry last week the adoption consultant called me back. Talking with her was just what I needed! She is such a strong woman of faith and I have heard this from multiple people...talking with her just confirmed it. She has 4 adopted children and one biological child...with another biological child on the way. We are definitely going to use her as our adoption consultant and I feel like it's what we are meant to do. She only works with 5 couples/clients at a time and I was very pleased to learn this fact. We are her 4th client to sign up for her January group. This means that, if our home study is complete by January(which I'm sure it will be) we could become parents anywhere from January to April or a little longer. It is so exciting! I am so glad that we decided against the agency. One thing the adoption consultant told me is that her constant prayer for her clients is for God to protect their heart and their finances. I really appreciated that and that has also become a prayer of mine.

Our first home study visit is in 2 days. I think we are going to be nervous but really excited all at the same time. There is so much paper work to fill out with the home study but it is so worth it. There are also so many little tasks to do for the home study...yesterday we had our fingerprints taken for the GBI. I'll probably be running here and there on my lunch break over the next month or two but I will be so glad when it is completed.

We have our first home study visit next Tuesday and I could not feel more joy in my heart.

Okay, so I've been slacking on the blog but it's because I've been busy. We decided not to go with the agency (BCS). We really liked their orientation and thought they did a great job but ever since the orientation I have heard from more people (whether it's people who have adopted children, people who are looking to adopt children, caseworkers from outside home study agencies, etc.) say they would not recommend them. One of the reasons we liked them is because they are very reputable and they are the largest adoption agency in the country. That is also part of the problem...being so large, it can take many years to be matched with a baby/birth mom through them because of how many clients they have. They say the average wait time is 9-12 months but realistically I have heard of more people waiting 1.5 years to 4 years. Also, I've been told by several professional people in the business to really drill BCS about their prices. The price we believe we will pay with them is great and all (well, great as far as adoption agencies go) but I have heard from outside sources that that is where clients get really tripped up...because there ends up being way more fees and those fees are almost "hidden" with how they are presented to the clients. So, for the past couple of weeks I haven't been feeling great about Bethany even though we had all of the paperwork filled out for an independent home study. For the past week I've been communicating via email with a lady who works at a place that strictly does home studies. When I told her that we would not be using her company and using someone else (when I thought we were still going with BCS), she said she understood and that as a parent of an adopted son (and next year she plans to adopt again), she wanted to help me research places when I told her I had hesitations about BCS. She researched a few places for me keeping my budget in mind and recommended a consultant. What's really funny/ironic is that this consultant she recommended has been recommended to me by three different people within the past 2 weeks. I was going to stay away from consultants because they tend to be more expensive (because you get a baby way faster) but this particular consultant is the same price as an agency. I've also been told that she works well with reasonable budgets. I emailed the person at the consultant place and even called her but she has not called me back yet. From my understanding, she's been busy with four (which is a good thing!). I need to quit rambling on...

This week we decided to not use BCS and go with the home study agency where the lady has been helping me research places and giving me advice. To me this says a lot about what kind of person she is and what kind of people work at this place. She said she doesn't mind helping out adoptive parents because she is one herself and knows how it is. Anyways, I mailed off our home study application/fee yesterday at 4 p.m. Today, arond 11:40 a.m. I received a call from her (she is so sweet!) and she was very surprised but happy to get our application. We talked for a while and we have our first home study visit next Tuesday! She will be coming to our house to do the visit which will include an inspection and an interview and the visit will last around an hour. I asked her if we could come out to her office for the other two visits since it would be easier on her and she said that would be great but that she didn't mind coming to our house, either. We decided in the end that Kyle and I would come to her office for the last two visits (the home study is three visits total). I am so excited! We are still networking and we are going to be sending our adoption profile book (it looks so good!)

::::The adoption consultant just called me so I will update more later!!

Update

Alrighty, time for an update.

Over the weekend, I actually talked to a lady I didn't know. My boss connected me with her (again, I'm really thankful to her and for her!)and after emailing this lady last week she gave me her number and told me to call her. This lady teaches a teen sunday school class and a lot of teen girls in her class wind up pregnant (this town has a very high rate of teen pregnancy). She knows of a current situation right now where a high school senior is pregnant with a baby girl and is due in a couple of months. The birth father is out of the picture and her parents are not going to support her. The lady told me that at first she was all for adopting but now, ever since her mom said she will not be supporting her, she is wanting to raise the baby herself now in a way to rebel against her mom. This young girl keeps going back and forth with her decision. I have a feeling she will probably keep the baby. Anyways, this sunday school teacher is going to keep me in her mind if the girl (who talks to her sunday school teacher often about her situation) decides adoption is the way to go for her.

Today I met with the executive director at a local women's resource center. It was an odd sort of meeting but very neat at the same time. I was really comfortable with her and she is such a sweet Christian lady. I feel like I kind of got a mixed response from her but I think that is because legally she can't say, "Oh, we will have a baby for you at the center so go with us." She encouraged with me to possibly pursue an agency but at the same time she said I need to make an adoption profile as soon as possible and drop it off at the center to her. I kind of felt like I god "mixed signals" from her but like I said, it's probably because it's a resource center and they are not there to adopt babies out. This one in particular helps with that (they do maybe one adoption per year) but I think they really like to see the young women try to parent the children themselves. Who knows. All I know is I am going to be making an adoption profile this week and dropping it off at the center. I'm also going to be submitting paper work at an agency to start a home study. I debated whether or not to do it through the agency...I was going to do it through a place that strictly does homestudies and they do them pretty quickly...but if we do decide later on to go through the agency then you actually have to have a home study done through them...so I would have to pay for a whole different home study if I didn't do a home study with them right away. Okay, I know that probably made no sense whatsoever.

In case an independent adoption works out for us (which, I pray it does), we want to be ready. Plus, I feel like we need a nursery ready for a home study (you have to show that you have a place for the baby to sleep). Kyle picked up some paint swatches today from Home Depot and tonight we will be deciding which color to go with. We are also going to be deciding on a crib/furniture this weekend. I know to the general public (meaning, people who are not familiar with adoption) it might seem like we are getting ahead of ourselves with this whole nursery business, but with an adoption you really do have to be ready at a moment's notice in some cases. You always need to be prepared. I don't know if we are going to get a baby in two months or two years but whenever we do we will be ready.

My parents are really excited about us starting the adoption journey. It makes me feel good that they ask me questions constantly. I think after I talked to my mom about it this past weekend she could really see into my heart and see it in my eyes how serious and passionate we are about adoption. After she asked me again if the doctor has said if I will never have children (no, he has not ever said that!) I politely explained that while he never said that, he said there is no reason I shouldn't already be pregnant. I told her while there is a chance I could always get pregnant, I don't even think about that anymore. I can say that with an honest heart. I don't think about getting pregnant or being pregnant. I think about adopting. I know in my heart this is the right way to go. I am so excited and so anxious to start all of this.

I am just really kind of nervous about the adoption profile. I've seen some examples of adoption profiles and the resource lady actually gave me some suggestions today. I guess I am just afraid that my pictures aren't good enough and the words I write will not be sufficient enough.

Agency Orientation

Last night we went to the group orientation meeting at the agency we are considering. I will update you all on that but first I would like to give a "shout out".

Thank you to my very sweet cousin, Kristin, for sending me an awesome book on adoption and discovering your child's life story called Before You Were Mine. It was such a nice surprise when I opened my mailbox earlier in the week. Though I have just started reading the book, I can already tell it is going to be such a great tool and guide, especially since it's from a Christian persective. So thank you, Kristin!

Okay, about the orientation. It was held in Atlanta at a very, very nice church. The particular building the meeting was in was in one of the church's buildings called "The Lodge" which was across the street from the actual church. Um, wow. This building was very nice and swanky and it did indeed look like a lodge inside. It was a little intimidating, actually. I suddenly started looking at my clothes and my purse (which I really liked the outfit was wearing and I love my Vera Bradley purse) wondering if my clothes and purse weren't good enough for this. We were the second people there, naturally (I love to be early! We actually thought we were running late but it started 30 minutes after I originally thouhgt it was supposed to start). About 10 minutes before it started other couples and inviduals...mostly couples, though...started coming in. I was a little paranoid because we were probably the youngest couple there and I could tell some of the couples were obviously from the Buckhead area because they had the "right" clothes and the "right" hairstyles and the swanky designer glasses. I know I shouldn't let this kind of stuff make me paranoid or worried, but I do. I feel like adoption is so expensive and I kind of wonder if a birth mother is shown our profile with a really wealthy couple's profile, why would they choose us over the wealthy couple? This is just part of my warped way of thinking (though it's probably not too warped, actually).

They did a video about the agency that was very touching and very well put together. Then each director talked a little bit about their area of specialty and after they finished speaking we broke out into different groups based on our interest. We sat in on the Domestic Infant Adoption session since that is the route we are going to go. We had thought about Intercountry adoption for a brief second but we just simply, most definitely cannot afford that. Our session was fantastic and we really did learn a lot. One thing that kind of scares me is the fact that in Georgia the birth parents have a 10 day grace period after they sign the release papers to re-nig on the release of their child. That means that after the birth parents sign the forms stating they are giving their child to a couple to adopt, they have 10 days to change their mind. That was a little surprising to learn and it was a hot topic when people were asking questions during the info session.

I'm so glad we went to the meeting last night. It cleared up a lot of questions that we had and I think it helped my husband to be able to understand everything a little better. I can only explain so much to him about the adoption process so I think hearing it from professionals made it easier.

Now I will just eagerly wait and anticipate Monday's meeting with the Executive Director at the resource center. I really hope that one works out because that would really be the ideal route to take since it's way less expensive than an agency. Plus, I like the idea of how local it is. We shall see, though. Either way, after Monday we will decide what direction we are going to take and start filling out paper work to get a home study started...whether if it's with the agency's social workers or the county's social workers.