So, I've decided to share my blog with everyone - and by everyone I mean all of Facebook. I know I will now have family members and friends who will probably wonder why I have never shared this blog with them before and hopefully everyone will be understanding.

I originally started this blog for just myself. It was a great outlet and very therapeutic to be able to write about my loss and struggle with infertility. Then it became a way to document our adoption journey. I have not posted all of the details about the birthmoms who have come into our lives just out of respect but I have indeed documented what I felt like was appropriate or what I felt like writing about and re-living through words.

I used to be a pretty good writer in my younger years. With this blog I started out checking all of my sentences and spelling but as the months and years have gone on I stopped caring so much about sentence structure and form and just typed whatever the heck came to mind.

I decided to share this blog with everyone with the hope to encourage others, no matter what they might be going through. I also would like to encourage other adoptive moms who may be going through a tough adoption journey of their own. I know it has helped me tremendously to read other adoption blogs. I may not be the best writer but I provide very real thoughts. Whatever you might be going through - whether it related to your journey to parenthood or something completely different - I encourage you to find a creative outlet to help yourself get your thoughts out whether it is writing, painting, drawing, singing, ballroom dancing (I know that is a little random but there is a fairly new ballroom dancing place near where I live that I think would be so cool to try out), etc.

For the most part I am a private person so sharing this blog is a big step for me and I still feel a little funny and weird sharing my blog so publicly. My writing can be very awkward, sarcastic and most of all jumbled but it's honest writing. My blog is not too fancy and I have still not put up pictures because that was not the original purpose of my blog. Maybe soon I will start adding pictures and making it cute but for now I just care about the writing.

So, here it is. Here is me. Feel free to start reading from here or from the very beginning. The only things that have really changed since my very first post almost two and a half years ago is 1) I don't have a dream or desperation to becoming pregnant and I don't care what or who my children look like and 2) I started drinking sweet tea again.

Statistically speaking.

A year ago today is when we received our very first "The Call" and frantically (without speeding, of course) drove down to Florida to go meet the first baby we thought was our daughter. We all know how the story turned out when we had to make the hardest decision we have ever, ever had to make and turn around after 4-5 days and make the trip home - babyless.

Statistically, we should already have been (permanent) parents by now (I look at statistics by using a small agency and a consultant). But, as we have seen, Kyle and I just don't seem to do things easy. Even though it can be really frustrating, I kind of like that our story is not one that is just rainbows and butterflies. I am not knocking the people who have had an easy adoption journey - I think those serve as powerful and beautiful and wonderful stories. I just kind of think it's pretty neat that one day we will be able to tell our child just how hard we fought for him/her and just how long we longed for him/her. We will be able to tell our child that God put us on a path that was definitely not our own because He had something even greater in store for us. Who knows, maybe I tell myself all of these positive things about having a super tough journey because that is what helps keep me holding my head held high. That and of course Jesus. When nothing else has been constant or consistent in our adoption journey Jesus has always been and I can see that.

So, I can't and won't fret over statistics. After all, statistics don't have anything to do with the power of the Cross or God's timing. I hope I will be able to share some good news in a week or so.

My Reflection

I don't really have much that I am willing to post about right now and I thought about doing a reflection post reflecting back on this entire year but right now I think I am all reflected out.

I am glad that this year is coming to an end and I am definitely looking forward to a new year. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for us in 2012. I'll try to write a more intelligent or insightful post soon but I think I've done enough reflecting for now.

Here is what happened.

All of the details of the case are just absurd and crazy - because Olivia's birthmom filed an injunction/restraining order against the birthfather right after we gained custody of Olivia, the file was in a family violence and family law court - not an adoption court. The judge who oversaw the restraining order and the custody hearings is new to that particular county and she had never worked on an adoption case before nor was she familiar with adoption law (which was a huge problem and issue). Normally if a judge is not familiar with adoption law during a contested adoption case they would transfer it/redirect the hearing to an actual adoption court (I guess that makes too much sense). This lady could care less and the agency lawyer told us that as soon as the contested hearing started the judge didn't even care to hear what the agency lawyer or Olivia's birthmom had to say. Olivia's birthmom was there to testify but the judge did not care. Everyone was completely shocked this is how it turned out. All of the adoption professionals we are working with (agency, consultant, etc) said this is the worst and most bizarre case they have ever seen (our agency has been open for 20 years). The judge said she was only going to go off of what was on the birth certificate and since the birthfather's name was on the birth certificate the case was closed and she said it is no longer an adoption case. The only reason the birthfather contested the adoption was because his mom made him do it. His mom wanted the state benefits/welfare that come with having more kids. The birthfather also admitted to Rachel (birthmom) that it was a control and power thing and he was going to "show" Rachel for having him arrested back in May (he pushed her out of a moving car when she was 7 months pregnant) and for putting a restraining order against him (oh, the same judge who granted Olivia's birthdad custody also granted Olivia's birthmom a restraining order against him the month before...um, yeah). The day he won in court he told Rachel he was going to start hitting her up for child support. It's just sad. I feel so sorry for Olivia and I am scared for her. The birthfather and his mom are scary people. They have so many arrest records for crazy/bad stuff. And, it is speculated they deal drugs out of their house. It is also a good possibility that much prostitution goes on out of the house. But, even though Rachel signed adoption papers that terminated her rights since the judge ruled that this was not an adoption hearing those papers can legally be destroyed and Rachel can fight for her rights back. I am hoping and praying she gets her rights back and regains custody of Olivia. Rachel was so selfless and loved Olivia so much that she was only trying to do what was best for her. Even though it was hard for her to place Olivia for adoption she told me to my face that she was so happy that Olivia was going to be with us and be far away from that town. She is a sweet girl who has had such a tragic year.

It was so sad and heartbreaking when we had to drive down to the agency and then literally hand her over to them. I lost it in their office. I told myself I was going to remain strong but as soon as we got out of the car all I could do was just lean up against the back of the car and try to catch my breath.

Once we walked into the office the sobs and snot were uncontrollable (you know, the really ugly crying). I kept telling Olivia that I love her so much and even though she would not remember us at all I would always remember her. As much as I wanted to be ugly to Olivia's birthdad and birthgrandmother (thankfully we never had to see them) and make him start from complete scratch and see just how expensive a baby actually is, we packed a bag with a big can of formula and some clothes and some decorations and some books. We did not have to do this and no one told us to do this but we just felt in our hearts that was only the right thing to do. I handed her over to the sweet coordinator and kissed Olivia's head and even though the coordinator and lawyer asked us to sit down for a while I told them we had to leave immediately. I was not trying to be rude (a few minutes later I called and apologized to the coordinator but she said there was absolutely nothing to apologize for) or disrespectful but I knew the longer I stayed in that office with Olivia the more likely I would have taken her and maybe somehow end up in Canada. But, I know God has a purpose for this and I am at peace. I think it's hard for some people to believe that I am really at peace with it but that is the straight truth. I would never, ever want anyone to have to go through something like this because honestly it will either totally break your faith or completely shake it up in the best of ways. It has been very easy for me to see how amazing our God is despite what has happened. We prayed so hard for His will to be done and it was done indeed. It was by His grace that we were able to be parents (even if it was for a short time) and be a mom and dad to a sweet, beautiful baby girl named Olivia.

What is kind of ironic is whenever I did say Olivia's name it just did not sound right coming out of my mouth. Olivia is a beautiful name but it never sounded right for our daughter. I know that might sound completely absurd but that is something I always thought about.

While we are at peace and feel so blessed with everything God has done for us, I still cannot bring myself to re-organize the nursery. The nursery room is crammed full of stuff and looks like time just stood still (what I really mean to say is it looks like we are hoarders). After we returned from Florida my sweet husband took everything baby related (strollers, toys, etc.) and just put it all in the room so we did not have to constantly see it. A few weeks ago I finally went into the nursery and washed all of the clothes that were in the hamper.

Even though it's been just over 5 weeks (I think) since Olivia left us, it seems like it happened years ago. I can't really explain it but I feel like we parented her years ago. Maybe it's because after we dropped her off I had to tell myself that she died and we buried her (I am not trying to be a sicko...that is just how it felt and what everything symbolized to me). But whatever it is even though the memory is still fresh in my mind it feels like it is turning into a very distant memory.

Okay, this is probably the most jumbled and all-over-the-place post I have ever written. The first paragraph is copied from an email I wrote to my sister-in-law. I figured I couldn't type it again any better so there you go. I'll try to start getting better again about updating. It honestly kept slipping my mind to update.

Jumbled.

I know I said I will post about what happened. Even though I am so blessed to feel a huge peace in my heart, today has been a little hard. A week ago today is when we said goodbye to that sweet baby girl and I have been having flashbacks all day of our time with her. It has started to really sink in that I am not a mom anymore. I am realizing that I was only a temporary mom and even though those were the best (almost) 11 weeks of my life, reality has hit me. We are back in the waiting stage of getting "the call" and it is more painful than ever. I am absolutely trusting that God has a special baby for us. I just am really, really, really wanting to meet him or her soon. Very soon.

Anyways, I wrote all of that to say that I am still not quite at a place right now to type out exactly what happened. As the days go on I realize I don't need to type out every single detail but only the short of it (yeah, like I can make stories short...not!). I may just type out the major details and whoever wants to know more can send me a message and I will be happy to answer any questions. Every time I start to type out what happened or write a few paragraphs I end up erasing everything because it just doesn't flow together. I think I am going to have to realize that it will never exactly flow together or make complete sense. So, hopefully I will write out the story soon. Maybe this weekend or next week. Sorry to keep everyone waiting! I seriously had three paragraphs written out and then just erased them all because they were all sorts of mixed up and jumbled.

She's not here.

Part of me does not want to write about what happened because it makes it that much more final. Yet, the door that remains closed to her nursery (well, except when I am home by myself and I magically find myself sitting in the nursery holding all of the clothes that are in the hamper that need to be washed) and the video monitor that is unplugged and wrapped up are all constant reminders that we no longer have Olivia. The constant reminders every time I walk through our neighborhood and realize that I am no longer pushing a stroller with a sleeping or cooing baby girl inside of it. Every time I go to the store and find myself parking right by the buggy holders outside and then realize I no longer have my girl and her car seat to put in a buggy so I can now park as far away as I want (I could keep on going with the "every time" scenarios but I will stop for now).

Part of me feels almost obligated to write about what happened because we had so many people - friends, family, strangers - praying for us and for Olivia. Also, I don't want adoption to leave a bad taste in mouths or minds so I want to document what happened and why it happened (and really, there is no good answer as to why except lack of knowledge on Ch. 63 Adoption but most of all just poor judgement). Though some people know of two or three people this has happened to it's not really a common thing. Seriously. So please do not think all adoptions end like this or are at great risk for ending like this. Also, please do not think God has forgotten about us. He most certainly has not forgotten about us and He has been so good to us. Jesus has blessed us constantly and even though I am really sad and devastated and just plain worn out, I am thanking Him for blessing us with Olivia for that time. Being Olivia's mom for almost 11 weeks was my heart's dream and wish come true. I saw everything in brighter colors when I was her mommy and everything I layed my eyes on looked absolutely beautiful. Seeing my sweet husband with her just completely took my breath away and made me smile. Yes, He really did bless us with her and I praise Him for that. We prayed so hard for the Lord's will to be done and even though we thought His will was having me and Kyle be her parents...it obviously was not for some reason. We really and truly thought that God would not give us Olivia to have her taken from us. But, it happened. I know that it is part of His plan and just because I prayed for Olivia to stay with us forever does not mean that my prayers have gone unanswered. I know God is radically moving in our lives and preparing us for something so sweet and so great that we fully cannot comprehend it right now. Not only are we supposed to praise Jesus when we are happy but we are also supposed to praise Him when we are grieving. He doesn't owe it to us to make this journey easy - He never promised that once. He does not owe us anything. He did promise to be there every single step of the way with us and for that I am so grateful.

Alright, I had planned to type up the story tonight but I am too tired to do that right now. So, I'll try to write more tomorrow night. Thanks to everyone again for the prayers!

As many of you know we are now without our sweet Olivia. I will write about it in the upcoming days but I do want to thank everyone for their prayers. We have truly felt your prayers and encouragement during this time.