I just had a girl ask me if I had any kids and I hesitated when I answered, "No, I don't."

Let me back up. I am at work right now and there was a seventeen year old girl who was sent to my office by another office to help with little tasks. This girl is at my work place doing some type of community service (I don't know if it's for delinquency or for credit for her GED or what) and she came to my office for about 30 minutes to see if I needed help with anything. After she finished the small task I had her help me with she sat down and started talking. She asked me questions about my family and told me about her family and her family situation. This young girl was very open but then she innocently asked me the dreaded question, "Do you have any kids?" I politely answered, after a pause of hesitation, "No, I don't." but then went on to explain how much I love kids and babies and think they are such a joy.

To be honest, I feel guiltly whenever I tell someone that I do not have any children. What I really want to say sometimes (not to this girl, though...she was so innocent and sweet in her asking) is, "Not on earth, I just have one in heaven." That would be a little inappropriate, I guess, but sometimes I am tempted to just say that. I think the reason I am tempted to say that is because I feel like by saying the appropriate answer of "No", I am not admitting what happened. I know in reality people - whether it's friends, family or strangers - are not wired to hear this kind of response. That would involve way too much conversation and our society has become one that doesn't really know what true conversation is. And no, I am not counting email and computerized messaging (or even text messaging) as true conversation. I am talking about face-to-face interaction and socialization.

Oh well.

No, I don't have any kids.

I'm a little tired of reading about celebrities who are pregnant.

I just read that Mariah Carey and Khloe Kardashian are both expecting. Yay. Yipee. Joy. Hooray.

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing but I am just sick of people (including celebrities) who have not been trying for that long getting pregnant so easily. Khloe has been married to her husband for under a year and they are already expecting. Don't get me wrong, Khloe is my favorite Kardashian and all but it's just kind of discouraging. Mariah and her husband have been married for two years and they are expecting a bundle of joy as well.

Celine Dion is also expecting - twins. To me, hearing that Celine Dion is pregnant is like rubbing salt in my wound. I know that sounds so selfish and bratty because last year Celine also went through a miscarriage which I definitely sympathize with her about and feel so sad for her that she had to go through that. While it's great news that she is pregnant I am reminded that next month it will be a year since I lost my baby and I am more barren than ever. Celine lost her child in the early part of fall and already she is 14 weeks pregnant with the help of invitro. I personally know someone else who miscarried and became pregnant just two months later. I should be so happy for these people but part of me is asking, "Why them and not me?" I guess I just keep feeling sorry for myself which I need to stop doing! Also, to go back to the whole Celine thing...IVF is how she became pregnant. That is fantastic that she was able to afford 6 rounds of IVF that costs anywhere from $10,000-$20,000 per round. She is a celebrity and can do whatever she wants with her money. Where my problem lies is that people (celebrities and non-celebs) will spends thousands of dollars taking a chance with IVF and all of the many rounds when they are not even guaranteed a baby. For the price of IVF or even less in some cases like Celine's, these couples could adopt a baby or a child. Now, I know it's their money and they can do what they want to with it, but at the same time I can't help but think that they could put their money toward adoption. If they really wanted to be parents bad enough why don't they just start the adoption process instead of spending so much money on multiple rounds of IVF?

I could sit here and go on and on with my selfish thoughts but that is all for today.

Have you ever seen someone's name somewhere and had a feeling of dread mixed with panic come over you?

Next week I am going to a breakfast that will be semi work related. As I was reading about the breakfast and glancing over the information a name suddenly caught my eye. There will be two doctors speaking at the breakfast next week and one just happens to be the doctor who told me last year that she was confused about my ultrasound results. She is the doctor who had the receoptionist call me in last summer to do more blood work when in reality they just wanted me to come in so she could tell me I was probably going to be miscarrying my baby (and because of this deceitfulness of her nature I went to the appointment by myself since I was just "getting blood work done"). This is the doctor whose name I cringe at whenever I hear it or whenever I pass by her co-owned practice...the practice I left immediately after that horrible day (the only reason I went to the practice in the first place was because of its location. I remember my mom begging me, once I told her I was pregnant, to switch practices).

This particular doctor will be one of two speakers next week. While I know she doesn't remember me and has forgotten me and my situation, I dread having to hear her speak and smile politely if I am introduced to her. I'm sure she's a nice lady. I know she's very well educated in the medical field. I know doctors need to tell patients the truth about medical issues. I just have a problem with people who have absolutely no tact. I also cannot stand it when people lie. I fully believe this doctor lied to me (well, had the receptionist and nurses lie to me). I want to run up to her next week and say, "I hope you aren't deceitful to all of your patients. I hope you don't tell them all some story about keeping the hope alive and how there is a small chance, by the grace of God, that they might not miscarry... when you have just told them that their baby is dying inside of them. I hope you don't have the receptionist and nurses lie to all of your patients when something is wrong to "lure" them into the practice just so they can find out that the reason they thought they were coming was just a cover up as to not have them upset." I would have much rather known that something was wrong (even though I did feel it in my heart as soon as I was told I was pregnant) over the phone so I could have my husband or just someone there for support and to drive me home.

I guess I went off on a tangent. I'm sure I won't even have to speak to her next week but it still brings back all of those memories of sitting in her office. This will be interesting.

I never jumped on board with a very popular medical television show but last week I watched the episode because an actress I like had a role on the show. Last night I watched the show's season finale because another actress/singer who I have always liked had a guest role. Boy, did I pick a night to watch.

One of the main female characters found out she was pregnant at the beginning of tonight's two hour season finale. To make a long story short, she had a miscarriage at the very end. You could tell she was miscarrying because she hunched over in a lot of pain and when a fellow doctor asked what was wrong because of all of the blood coming from between her legs the main doctor stated that she was having a miscarriage.

I appreciated that this popular show touched on this topic since it is mostly ignored and seems to be taboo. While every experience with a miscarriage doesn't necessarily have to be the same, I was a little disappointed with how they portrayed the miscarriage. Sure, it was really sad because of all of the tragic events taking place at the fake hospital that night so I understand most of the focus had to be on the other tragedies that took place. I felt like the doctor's miscarriage was just lightly portrayed and kind of thrown in there. Yes, I cried and cried when she bent over in pain because I knew what was coming. Yes, I cried and cried when she said she was having a miscarriage. On the contrary, I was left with the feeling that, based on this television show, a miscarriage almost looks very simple to have when this is definitely not the case. The female doctor had a natural miscarriage which I am all too familiar with. A natural miscarriage is not that simple or simple minded. To be blunt, a natural miscarriage, in the early stage, is when one goes into labor and births a fetus. I felt as if this particular show didn't do a good job of explaining that. They made it look like she just had bad cramps. At least they touched on the topic, though. I really, really appreciate that.

I can relate to the doctor when, at the end of the show, she threw her positive pregnancy test away since she was no longer pregnant. I really sympathized with this television character because I know what it's like to throw part of yourself away into a trash bin.

Despite all of the happenings on last night's show, I will be watching the new season when it comes back on in the fall.

For the past couple of months I haven't been able to find the words to write. Everytime I go to write a post I just end up deleting it because it sounds so scattered - just like the rest of my posts.

I am not exagerating when I say that over the past 2 months I have heard of more of my friends/people I know getting pregnant than I ever have before. I try to show my happiness and try to show interest and enthusiasm in their joys but sometimes...okay, all of the time...I find myself selfishly wondering, "Why not me?"

Believe it or not, I have actually been more positive about it (for the most part) over the past couple of months than I was. I think it's normal to grieve for a while...I just feel like I will be grieving forever. I'm so fortunate to believe in the Almighty and I know He has a special plan for me, whatever that is. Right now my struggle is knowing whether God's plan is for me to have a baby biologically or through adoption. July 14 is quickly approaching (I don't know whether to rejoice in the fact we have made it through this tough year or to be sad that we have made it through this year and I am still not pregnant) and if I am not pregnant by then, then K and I are going to sit down and go from there.

8 months ago today I was told the happiest news that I've been dreaming about for so long: "M, you're pregnant!" I've been dreaming about the day I would become a mother since I was 7 years old. I know that sounds silly but it is true.

This month is when I would have been due with our baby. It really hit me hard last night. I am so sad and I feel like this sadness is running through my entire body. My head has been hurting so badly since last night. I just want to hold my baby. I just want my husband and I to be able to hold and love our baby - our baby that left my body when we were in a hotel room on vacation this past summer. A baby that I only knew for two weeks but made me the happiest person in the world for those two weeks. A baby that my husband and I sobbed for hours over once we found out we were losing him/her. Devastation has completely taken over my heart and mind. I feel so selfish being so upset about this but I cannot help it. I want my baby so badly. I keep picturing myself and K holding our sweet miracle in our arms and just "oohing" and "aahing" and smiling at our precious gift. My heart is literally hurting inside of me right now. I feel like my heart is crying.

It's almost the end of February and I am the same as I was last month...barren...without child in my womb.

I did my 5th round of clomid at the beginning of this month meaning that in March is my 6th and final round since the doctors only allow 6 rounds. Well, I have made a decision not to do the 6th round. I know I've come all this way with the rounds but not one has helped (obviously).

A few weeks ago I did something that I never thought I would do (because I never thought I would have to come to the point of considering this): I made an appointment at a fertility clinic for a consultation on an IUI. I never understood how some women could get to the point of desperation to go to one of these money making, baby producing offices. I now understand and I do not hold judgement. So I scheduled the appointment at a swanky office in a swanky town (all three of their offices are in swanky areas). That was intimidating in itself. I would be meeting with a doctor (or even several doctors over the course of time) who didn't know me but would try to get to know me and who I would be at their mercy and the mercy of the clinic to get the IUIs done monthly. Now, there was a couple of weeks earlier this month when I felt like this was my only hope in my husband and I being able to have a child. That was really intimidating and gave me an unsettling feeling. Also, even though my husband and I were prepared educated on all of the expenses - $310 for the consultation and then at least $1,200 for each IUI), I just kept feeling wrong about it. A day after I scheduled the appointment and looked over all of the paperwork that the fertility office emailed to me, I canceled the appointment.

The reason I canceled the appointment was not because of the location of the offices or the doctors that might tell me I need to lose weight to have a better chance of getting pregnant (ummm, hello? I've seen plenty of those "I'm Obese and Pregnant" shows on TLC to know that is not the case). The reasons I will not be going to this fertility clinic or any fertility clinic are because I felt like 1) I was depending on a doctor's office to create the gift of life in me and essentially do something that only God can really do and 2) I felt like I would be gambling. Now I know that we have modern medicine to help us and that it's not bad. I do not condemn people who choose to use modern medicine and procedures to get pregnant. I am just not comfortable with it. A child is a gift from God, not from Doctor Sew-and-sew. I am not a gambling woman and do not intend to start being one. The procedures are expensive (much less expensive than IVF but they can still slowly add up) and you are not even guaranteed with IUI to become pregnant. I believe I read you have as high as a 26% chance of becoming pregnant with IUI if you are under the age of 30 (which I am).

I am going off all medications (except pre-natal vitamins since those can only help me...I kind of like the fact that my nails grow fast!) and I am going to quit routinely going to the doctor's office to see what is wrong or see if they can up my dosage. Some might see me not taking my last round of Clomid as throwing away all of these months that I've been on the medication. I see it as finally really giving it all to God and not just saying I am. I will be honest - it wasn't an easy decision to admit that I wasn't giving everything over to God and it wasn't a super easy decision to just "give up" on my own. But I am so happy with my decision to cancel that appointment and truthfully a little relieved to not rely on medicaton for one more month.

I know I can become pregnant - that is what boggles my mind. I know that I will be an awesome mother and K will be an awesome father - that is what I don't understand why we lost our baby and are childless. But I am still holding onto God's hand and still hoping that he chooses to bless us with a miracle of our own.

I know God plans for some people to be adoptive parents. Whether this is his plan for me and K only time will tell. I still like to dream of the day I will be with child. But I am definitely not opposed to adopting a child...I think that would be fabulous (before K and I got married we talked about how we would like several biological children and then once they were in their teens we would like to adopt a baby).

In less than a week is the month of March which means my expected due month.