Okay, so this blog is looking a little bit better but I know it can still use a bit of sprucing up.

My mind and heart have been going crazy lately. The different emotions I have been feeling have been leaving me in a weird mood. Exactly four weeks ago a little baby girl was born. Exactly four weeks ago Kyle and I were sitting in a hotel room, like we had been for days, waiting on pins and needles. Exactly four weeks ago later in the night we knew the birthmom had absolutely no intention of signing and made the long drive home.

Kyle and I are still without our baby. March is coming to an end and we are right back to where we are so used to being - without a child. Tomorrow is my darling husband's birthday and I would love more than anything to tell him that the agency called with an immediate situation. I've tried not to let the frustration and discouragement get the best of me but it's not been an easy task. Just when I feel that the frustration and discouragment have gotten me so down that I'm just numb, my heart starts fluttering whenever the phone rings. I pray for good news daily and I pray that God's will is done. I pray for Him to be glorified. I know once we meet the baby God intended for us it will all make sense and all of the frustration and discouragement will instantly disappear...it's just hard to understand that right now. Every day I try to be optimistic and think that this is just another day for us to finish another home project (okay, so we've finished all of our home projects for now) or that it's another day to sleep through the night. Okay, so I haven't been sleeping through the night and I've been getting to bed between midnight and 1 a.m. For those of you who really know me you know this is not like me at all. I'm usually in bed asleep between 9:30-10:00 pm. I just can't do it. When I do fall asleep it's as if my dreams make fun of me. I always have some kind of dream where we get "the call" and then once we get down there for placement it doesn't happen.

Okay, that's enough writing for one night. God is good and life is tough but God is still good!

I am in the process of changing the background, etc. on this blog. Please bare with me...I really don't understand what I'm doing and I find it very challenging to learn how to change templates, backgrounds, everything.

So I looked into how to deactivate this blog but then read that once you deactivate, you can only access it for three months until it disappears for good. I don't think I want this blog to disappear for good. From time to time I go back and read all of the posts and I just am always amazed at how far I've come and how much I have changed. I didn't realize deactivation meant deletion.

I'm still trying to decide if I can hold back from writing about any matches, etc. I really think at this point I can. In fact, I know I can. While I wish I could tell everyone of any matches once they happen, I know for my own sake and sanity I cannot. Over the past week or so I've learned to how to be very vague with people (for the most part at least). It's not that I'm lying to anyone...for those who really know me know that I can't lie worth a flip. I always smile really big and start laughing so that is why I am "too honest" (or so I'm told). No, I'm not brutally honest...I'm not mean at all when I'm being honest. I've just been told by family members that I am too honest. Anyway, being vague is challenging. Unfortunately I think I'm getting better and better at it, though I still don't like it.

For now I will keep this blog and post when I feel like posting. I'm not really sure what I will talk about but for now I will not deactivate this blog...I'm not ready for it to go away forever.

Is there such thing as a jinx? No, but it sure feels like it.

Our second failed adoption. That's right...FAILED.

I'll spare the details. I can tell you this...I am praying to the good Lord that he helps me to not feel anger. I pray that this baby girl radically changes the life of that pretty, young birthmom.

I know God still has a plan for us and has a reason that we have had two failed adoptions. I know that we are meant to adopt. I do admit in my own brief pity party yesterday the thought popped into my mind that maybe we aren't meant to be parents at all. Maybe we were just meant to be the loving aunt and uncle. I know Satan put that thought in my mind because I know good and well God has been preparing us to be parents and I know that we will be amazing parents.

Though I hate it, I am going to deactivate my blog. It's been a great outlet but I just feel like everytime I write about it something goes wrong. And as long as I have this blog I am going to write about any matches, etc. because I get so excited about it.

God is good and life is tough but God is still good. Forever He is faithful.

Still Sweet Caroline

I'm still in a super excited mode. I have been humming a lot lately (even in public without realizing it) and singing to myself whenever I walk outside between office buildings. I've even been listening to some fun songs on my way to work in the mornings and dancing in my seat in the car. Total happiness has taken over and I really cannot keep it in any longer.

While I am really happy and excited, I know part of me will be sad in a couple of weeks. Even though our birthmom has made it clear she is going to be firm on her adoption plan, I'm sure it will be a really sad day for her. What will be the happiest day of my life will be the saddest day of her life. I know part of me, through my rejoicing and happiness, will feel really bad and sad. This amazing young lady doesn't deserve to feel unhappiness or grief. I know it's part of the process but I just know I am going to feel bad. This young lady is funny (actually, she's hilarious!), sweet and beautiful. I want her to feel treasured and loved. Even though I've only met her once so far, I love her. I really do. I know someone who has not gone through this process cannot understand how you can love someone you barely know...but you just can. I love the person she is and what she is doing for us. I love the baby girl inside of her. I love that she's giving this baby life, even if she found out too late and really had no other choice (and I love how God works that way). I love that she has made an adoption plan for this soon-to-be-born child. I love that she picked us to be the parents of this baby. I love that she likes me. I love that we really got along so well and shared many laughs. I love how easy she is to talk to. I love that she has taken responsibility. I love that, even though she is very young, she asked me some intense questions that most adults would never even think to ask. I love her happy spirit. I love her.

On a lighter note, I feel so full of life. The nights are the hardest whenever Kyle is working and is not home. All I think about is "The Call" and am just waiting on it. I have been making myself go to bed earlier than usual lately because all I want to do is speed up the day. I figure if I go to bed sooner it will be another day that has passed meaning one day closer to a very emotional and joyous day. My heart races every time my phone starts ringing. I can't wait to meet our Caroline Grace.

Oh yeah. After much contemplating, we decided on the name Caroline Grace. We will use the name Penelope ("Penny") for a future daughter. We even liked the name Fiona, but after looking up the meaning of it it just wouldn't be appropriate for our daughter. It would be highly inappropriate and honestly, it would be cruel to name her that. So yeah, again, another future child. Okay, back to Caroline Grace. As I've mentioned before, Caroline is in honor of my mom. My mom's name is Carol so we decided Caroline would still be honoring her. I am going to brag a little here and say that anyone who has met my mom instantly loves her. She is the sweetest woman you will ever meet and is just so amazing and truly lives her life for the Lord. She has always taken care of her children, parents, and family members. My mom is a breath of fresh air and is who I strive to be like. We decided on the middle name Grace. Ann just didn't flow right with Caroline and while I really wanted to honor my Grandmother (I miss her so much!) whom I was also very close to, I figured a future daughter could have Ann as a middle name. So we really felt like Grace was very appropriate and, most importantly, honoring God. It is by His grace (hence my blog name) that we have been able to be on this amazing journey. Sure, the steps leading up to adoption and this adoption in general have been trying, sad, heartbreaking, exruciating, etc. But the steps have also been encouraging, eye opening and wonderful. God has been so gracious to love us and allowing us to start building our family through the amazing gift of adoption. I cannot even begin to tell you how honored we feel that God has chosen us to become parents through adoption. Secretly, I feel a little sorry for people who either don't get to or just choose not to to experience adoption (and I do understand that adoption is not for everyone...but I still feel sorry for them).

I've written a couple of different posts since I last posted but they are not published posts. I am trying not to renege on when I said I will not update for fear of jinxing (I know there is no such thing as jinxing but it sure has felt like it)...so I guess this is kind of reneging.

Anyway, exciting things are coming up soon...very soon...as in a couple of weeks soon...and I can barely contain my excitement! I have been daydreaming about what will be the happiest day of our lives and about meeting and holding our daughter. OUR daughter. OUR DAUGHTER!

Thanks to everyone who has prayed for us. I'm so thankful God has chosen this crazy, roller coaster, exciting journey for us! I feel so blessed!

To be honest, I was really down at the beginning of the week. I was feeling beat up and just so worn out from the emotional roller coaster that we've been on since the start of the year. I know everything has been in God's plan for us and I wouldn't trade any of it. This morning I was tired of feeling so low and so down so as I got out of my car and was walking in to work, I said (and yes, I actually said this outloud to myself since no one was around), "Today is a good day. I am going to have a good day. Lord, please help me stay positive today."

You know what? It has turned out to be a good day.