So in light of my positive birthday post, I just have to have a mini vent session real quick.

It greatly upsets me when I hear pregnant women take their healthy pregnancy for granted by complaining about one or more of the pregnancy symptoms. Truth of the matter is, we all take things for granted in our lives. I have come to the honest conclusion by women complaining when they are pregnant about symptoms (morning sickness, weight gain, acne, cravings, etc...whatever it may be...not in any particular order) that they are indeed taking their pregnancy for granted.

Vent over.

Today is my birthday.

I'm not one who makes a big deal about my birthday and honestly I usually forget about my birthday when it is coming up. As I reflect back to a year ago today I would have never guessed that now, a year later, I would be a woman who feels the scorn and grief of losing a baby.

I am actually doing a good job of staying positive this month and year(well, so far...considering we are only into the 7th day of this month and year). I feel like with my personal life (wanting to get pregnant), I am remaining very positive and hopeful. I don't know if part of it is because that I've been doing an outstanding job with working out and for the most part eating but whatever it is I feel great.

Maybe this is my month. Maybe this is my year. Maybe a year from today I will be celebrating my birthday with not only my husband but with also my baby. I can only hope that dream comes true this year.

Welcome 2010.

I started my 4th round of Clomid 3 days ago. The dosage is doubled (thank goodness) so it's really funny getting used to this new dosage (I only take it for 5 days out of the month). With the last dosage it would make me sometimes very hyper yet out of it all at the same time. This dosage just makes me very out of it, relaxed, and tired. That's okay, though...I'll take those side effects any day.

My very precious niece just turned a year old 2 days ago. I cannot believe she is a year old already. My niece has definitely brought an enormous joy to my life and honestly spending time holding her and playing with has helped somewhat with dealing with the grief of my miscarriage. I love M (my niece) more than words can describe. I enjoy watching her frequently and helping her learn and grow. I do admit that sometimes if I am rocking her to sleep whether it's for a nap or for the night or if she falls asleep on me while watching Barney, I sometimes get tears in my eyes which at times lead to tears down my cheeks. I always look at her and wonder if one day I will be blessed with a child...or what will happen if I am not. Whenever I start to think this way I just hug M close and sing to her.

I hope one day (soon) I will be singing my own child to sleep.

The other day I didn't get a chance to finish writing my thoughts on adoption. I think adoption is a wonderful thing. My eldest brother is adopted as is his wife. My cousin has adopted two children. I know a few others who have adopted and I know plenty of people who have been adopted. I am all for adoption. I have really been thinking about adoption lately since the words, "What if..." run through my mind daily with trying to get pregnant ("What if I can't get pregnant again?").

Though my husband is definitely not opposed to adopting a child, he says that we are too young to think about that right now. I do see his point to an extent but I really don't think you can label this as "too young".

Adoption can be a very expensive process. I know a couple of people who have been fortunate enough to do private adoptions which if I understand right are less expensive (I do a lot of reading). There is no way that we could afford to go through an agency that charges $20,000-$40,000 to adopt a child. That part is very heartbreaking...knowing that if I cannot get pregnant then I may not be able to afford to adopt a child. I know that private adoptions are rare but that is definitely how I would want to do it. I guess I am getting ahead of myself, though.

So yesterday I went in to have a sonogram. They had to perform a sonogram on me before the doctor would up my dosage of clomid to make sure I don't have any ovarian cysts. Thankfully everything came back clear and today the nurse called in a prescription of Clomid for me. They increased the dosage from 50 mg to 100 mg. I asked if there was any way if they could please increase it to 150 mg but she said there is no way they could increase it that much for this dosage. My body has to get used to this 100 mg dosage before increasing it to 150 mg. I am praying that this is our month and that they will not have to increase it. I pray that January is the month that the Lord blesses us (again) with a baby...a baby who will stay with us this time.

Though I am extremely blessed with an amazing husband, an outstanding family (both sides of the family), a great job, fantastic friends, a wonderful house, etc...I still feel as if 2009 has been a year of sadness and disappointment for us (with the exception of my niece being born...she really fills my heart with joy). I call 2009 the year of sadness. I am ready for 2010 and I hope that this is our year...our year to share our love with a precious gift from God.

Goodbye 2009...welcome 2010.

Well, the magic of Disney did not work this past cycle. That just shows me even more to rely on God.

I talked to the nurse yesterday about increasing my dosage of Clomid. I told her that I've done my research and I know I only have 3 more rounds of Clomid until the rounds just stop. I asked her to increase it from 50 mg to 150 and let her know that I feel desperate. Yes, I actually used the word desperate. She said that my doctor is out of town until Thursday but to call her today and she will try her best to get in touch with him so he can hopefully give her the go ahead to increase the dosage.

I've been thinking a lot lately about adoption. I know this is kind of rushing things since we've "only" been trying to have a child for 2 years and since I am "only" 25 years old. I put the word "only" in quotation marks because I know this is how some people view my situation but honestly, everyone is different. I turn 25 years old next week and while I know that Kyle and I are still very young, 2 years is a long time for us to be trying to have a child in my opinion. I know I've "only" had one miscarriage and "only" had one pregnancy, but still. No one else but me has to go through this feeling of self doubt like it is my fault that I cannot get pregnant and it is my fault that I lost our baby (no one has ever told me that anything is my fault...that is just how I feel sometimes). I keep wondering well what if I had found out sooner that I was pregnant in the summer...could I have prevented a miscarriage? I know the answer is no since I miscarried pretty early on. I know there was something wrong with my baby from the beginning because of the beta levels and the progesterone levels. I keep thinking well what if I did not participate in the Peachtree Road a couple of days after I found out I was pregnant? I know that has nothing to do with it, either.

My due date month is coming up in 2 months - March (not exactly sure of the due date but I know it's March). I can't believe that right now I should be 7 months pregnant. I know I need to stop thinking like that but I cannot help it. Kyle and I are going to try to go to California in March. I know that is not the best time weather-wise to go...but honestly, I just want something to take my mind off of everything that month.

Our Disney Christmas Vacation 2009 was wonderful! It was such a great time of being with my family. I am also glad that my mother-in-law went! She's a lot of fun to be around and so sweet.

I got a new job. I am still with the same company but I will be moving departments. While I am so sad to leave my coworkers/friends and while I will miss doing what I do, I am looking forward to this new position. I think it's time for a change and this change is coming at the perfect time. This new position requires 0% traveling which is like music to my ears. When travel season starts up (during the fall), I find myself to be very stressed. I think this is going to take a lot of the stress off of me and I am looking forward to finally enjoying fall next year. Don't get me wrong...I absolutely love my job and love what I do. It's just time for a change. I think having less stress travel-wise will be good for me. I've been thinking that maybe all of this medication has not been working because of the stress.

I've had my ups and my downs this week. Weekly I find out of someone else who is pregnant. Today I burst into tears while talking to my friend. I do not cry in front of others (except Kyle) so this was a pretty embarrassing ordeal for me.

Tomorrow we leave for a nice family vacation. I am really looking forward to it and the hopeful in me is kind of optimistic because we are going to Disney World...the most magical place on earth.

I am also very frustrated right now. I've been on Clomid for the past 3 months (I just finished my 3rd round of Clomid) and this last time I called the nurse and asked her to up my prescription to at least 100 mg. It was not my normal nurse because she was on vacation. This new nurse who I have not dealt with before asked a different doctor (my doctor was also out on vacation) and the doctor said no, keep it at 50 mg for now. Well, I am beginning to really get upset because I've done my research on Clomid and a woman can only take 6 rounds of Clomid...and if they have not gotten pregnant by the 3rd round then it looks really doubtful. I also read that the highest amount a doctor can prescribe is up to 200 mg. I think if this cycle didn't work then I am going to call my regular nurse/doctor and beg them to put me to at least 150 mg. It's almost a feeling of desperation. I am tired of feeling disappointed month after month. My miscarriage has been haunting me like crazy. I keep thinking of how happy Kyle and I were to find out that we were going to be parents. Then I keep thinking of both of us just sobbing when I came home to tell him that I was probably going to lose the baby. The image in my mind of me tossing and turning on the bed in the hotel room in New York not knowing that it was only a matter of minutes before I would birth our very, very early unborn child. The image of the fetus will forever stick in my head. I know that ultimately it's up to God and not medicine on me being fertile and being with child.

I am one who believes that there are way too many paranoid people in this world. I used to make fun of women who took all of the extra, wacky precautions because they were pregnant (not eating deli meat, hot dogs, soft serve ice cream, etc.). Well, I know that if/when I get pregnant again, I am going to be right there in the statistical numbers of paranoid maniacs trying to do anything I can to make sure I have a healthy baby. This sounds morbid and while I would never, ever wish upon my worst enemy that they lose a baby, I think people would have a better and deeper appreciation if they had to go through losing their baby.

Alright, this has been another scattered post.